Page Six says today that Paris Hilton thinks she and ex-BFF Nicole Richie should get married to their boyfriends, Benji and Joel Madden, in a lavish double ceremony, despite the fact that only half the people in this story are engaged.  Why?  True love of course.  Wait, no.  Money.  I meant to say money.

Hilton said she wants to do it in order to sell the pictures from the wedding and thinks she could rake in millions, said one pal. "She's doing it all for attention, as usual," said the friend. "It's a publicity stunt, just like everything else."

I hope they do have a big double wedding.  That's when I'll use my telepathy to slam the doors shut and kill everyone.  Muhahahah!

Paris Hiltons latest foray into reality television is supposed to be some train wreck where she auditions people to be her next best friend.  And apparently that’s every bit as appealing as you might think.  EW says…

The makers of Paris’s new reality show were hoping for a huge turn-out of potential applicants for casting calls.  However, they didn’t get the number of people they had hoped for. One source tells OK!: “There were less than 40 people there."

And they said many of the 40 were just fuckups looking to get on TV, with no intention of going through with this nonsense.  Instead of a show where she tries to find a best friend, how about a show where we put her in a rocket and shoot her into the sun.  I know that doesn’t sound like a compromise in the traditional sense, but it is if you consider that I wanted to do a show where we imprisoned her on Monster Island.



The New York Daily News says today that Paris Hilton kept up her peerless reputation as a nearly functioning retard even when in Africa last week with her boyfriend Benji Madden.  Gatecrasher says…

The couple stayed at the ultra-luxe Mount Nelson Hotel in Cape Town, along with the Kaiser Chiefs and Korn, who were also in town for the My Coke Fest music event.   A hotel spy tells us: "Every time Paris saw something she liked, like a woman's dress, she would ask how much it was. That included a cheetah she saw at an animal park. She asked how much it was and said, 'If I bought a cheetah, would it run away from me or could I keep it?'"

I suspect it will be fine.  Because think of all the times you see people walking around with cheetahs.  You can’t walk 10 feet in this town without tripping over a cheetah.   Often you’ll see little kids holding hands with their cheetah, spinning around in fields of daisies and laughing as they fall.  Cheetahs are only known as Perfect Killing Machines because of anti-cheetah propaganda, funded by the gazelle lobby and pussy African crybabbies.  All that bad stuff is just a bunch of urban legends, really.

I don't know what this newspaper is because it's written in some kind of demon language, but KalousekV was sexy enough to send it over and treat us all to a picture of Paris Hilton falling on her fat stupid face and then wincing in pain.  She eats it so completely it doesn't even look like she fell.  it looks like she just appeared there somehow, like she teleported there.  Based on my award winning knowledge of science, it would appear she fell over because her diseased womb is slowly killing her.  For real.  Just do the math, man.

AWESOME UPDATE – now with 3 times the floor eating action!



Paris Hilton and her super cool boyfriend Benji “I buy my rock and roll clothes at the mall” Madden were in Berlin this weekend, and Paris reportedly ate the ground while running away from the paparazzi.  There’s no video of it but the picture above is on a bunch of her fan sites.  It’s as close as we get to seeing it.  The paparazzi need to step it up.  This is why they're there.  Embarrassing shit like this.  Fake it if you have too.  Knock that bitch out and have her wake up the next day in a tub of ice and a note taped to her chest, telling her if she wants her liver back she has to walk around naked making beep beep boop robot noises and walking real stiff.  Or something. 

(Video of Benjis heart felt plea to the pap's after Paris fell down here.  Warning – it's touching, and may bring you to tears.)