This week sure has been surprising, and not just because of summers unplanned pregnancies that I’m only hearing about now and need to deal with (time to move!) Yesterday there were new topless pictures of Kim Kardashian, and today there are sort of topless pics of Paris Hilton on some bikini photo shoot in Malibu.
She covers her chest for the most part (except for here) which is weird because her tits are clearly her best feature. If she’s gonna hide anything it should be that big dumb face of hers and her one and a half eyes. Someone go punch her in the stomach. That will fix this problem. Actually that will fix both of my problems in this post.
Let’s just go through TMZs bullshit summary point by point…
It all went down as paparazzi swarmed the car as Paris and Cy Waits left Boa in West Hollywood. The posse of paparazzi was all over the car, when suddenly Cy accelerated, knocking a photog down.
Tragedy strikes without prejudice. One minute you could be standing in the street in front of a moving car at night flashing bright lights into the drivers eyes, and the next you’re in the hospital. It’s all random, you have to make the most of every day. Promise me, after you’re done here, that you’ll go home to your loved ones, and hold ‘em tight.
The couple took off and the photog called the cops.
“This car just came out of nowhere!”
Paramedics were also called and took the female photog to a local hospital.
“We have a fattie with a boo-boo, I need double-bacon brownies and a fried chicken STAT!”
We’re told at some point later, Cy came back, sans Paris, and spoke with police. Law enforcement sources tell us Cy was cited for hit-and-run, then allowed to leave.
“Just so you know Mr. Waits, we’re gonna let them blast air horns and shoot flares at you from now on, too.”
And get this … sources say Paris is saying, “The pap is making up injuries.”
As if she isn’t gonna be rich enough once her pictures of Paris Hilton sitting in a car on a Wednesday night hit the open market.
Law enforcement sources also tell us they’re looking into all of the photogs, because flashing the lights could have blinded the driver … which may constitute interfering with the operation of a motor vehicle — which is also a crime.
“We hid some snakes in his car too, but that’s no reason for him to drive around at 5 miles per hour like some kind of maniac.”
Paris Hilton was supposed to be in Tokyo today for a promotional appearance, and that would have been followed by stops in Malaysia and Indonesia. I don’t know much about those last two places but they sound dangerous as hell. The kind of place where white people get hacked into pieces. It was very encouraging. But then officials in Japan wouldn’t let her in, and now…
“I’m really tired,” said Hilton, who spent more than six hours being grilled by immigration officials at Narita International Airport. “I’m going back home.”
Hilton, 29, had been scheduled for an appearance in Tokyo today followed by visits to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, and Jakarta, Indonesia, later this week. Those stops have also been bagged.
God dammit what is your deal, Japan? You sent her back, and now that bitch won’t leave. Don’t you have monsters over there? Why didn’t you just feed her to one of them? If you were worried about some kind of political fallout, hey, look, if you say you haven’t seen her, that’s good enough for us.
Yesterday Paris Hilton was denied entry into Japan because, just hours earlier, she was sentenced to a years probation for possession of cocaine in Las Vegas. She landed in Tokyo, officials detained her, she stayed at a nearby motel overnight, and now…
Paris Hilton has flown back home to Los Angeles after she was barred from entering Japan.
Japan has strict immigration laws that bar entry to those convicted of drug offenses.
Hilton — who was set to participate in a fashion show and promote her perfume line with sister Nicky — Twittered that she was disappointed she had to leave and “miss” her fans in Asia.
“I promise to come back soon,” she vowed. “I love you all! Love Paris xoxo.”
Hey what the fuck Japan? Look, we don’t want her either. Do we really have to let her back in? There has to be some crooked official here that can find a loophole so we can do the same thing Japan did. What about that name of hers? Sounds French to me. Is she a French spy? Maybe. Do you wanna just sit there and find out the hard way? I know I don’t.
Just hours after appearing in a Las Vegas courtroom yesterday to enter her plea agreement for cocaine charges, Paris Hilton was detained by officials at an airport in Tokyo.
It should have been simple enough, because if there’s one thing foreign countries love, it’s Americans with criminal records entering their country, but for some reason things aren’t going so well. E! says…
She was scheduled to make an in-store appearance in Tokyo Wednesday, but that’s in jeopardy after she was detained upon landing at Japan’s Narita Airport.
Immigration officials detained Paris upon arrival. Anyone on a suspended jail term (such as Hilton) is not allowed to enter Japan except for “special reasons.”
Paris is reportedly staying in an airport hotel overnight while the situation gets sorted out, and she may return to the United States without making her scheduled stops in Malaysia and Indonesia.
I know it goes without saying at this point, but wow. Paris Hilton is a fukcin moron. The only thing the Asians are better at than making girls I want to have sex with is following rules. Of course they stopped her dumb ass. Or maybe they saw her wonk eye and thought she was making fun of them. A good caning should get the truth out of her.
When Paris Hilton was arrested with possession of cocaine in Las Vegas on August 27th, she faced up to a year in jail if convicted. And since she absolutely did it, going to court was not the greatest idea. So today she plead guilty in a deal that avoids all jail time.
Clark County District Attorney David Roger says Hilton has agreed to plead guilty Monday to drug possession and obstructing an officer…
Hilton will serve a year of unsupervised probation and complete a drug abuse program under the plea agreement.
People complain because drugs are illegal in this country, but from what I can tell they’re not. These Hollywood people get arrested all the time but no one ever goes to jail.
You know how sometimes you’ll see a list of weird old laws that are still on the books, like it’s illegal to get a horse drunk, or you can kill the Irish on Mondays or some shit like that? In Hollywood the drug laws are like that, except these have uglier mugshots.