Nicky Hilton Found a Purpose

By Lex June 08, 2015 @ 9:03 AM

Nicky And Paris Hilton On A Boat For Nickys Bachelorette Weekend
It’s hard to say which of the fractured Hilton ducklings is the least horrible. I’m going with Nicky. In ten years of tracking celebrities I’ve never seen Nicky not on her cellphone, but fuck, if the worst thing you can say about a Hilton is they’re a tedious chatterbug, you have you best Hilton ever. After dropping out of fashion school and pretending to run a few phony failed businesses in her 20′s, Nicky Hilton had begun to lack purpose. There were insidious rumors she was keeping down her meals. Somebody found her a British banking Rothschild which is a nice get if everyone agrees the Jewish ancestral line isn’t to be discussed. Nicky’s now to be settled into a life of charity balls, a single child named Baron Escalade, and a molasses slow suicide from three parts of a Heath Ledger cocktail. Paris has already picked out the dress and color coordinated selfie stick. The Winans gospel will bring the crowd to tears. Who let the colored folk in through the front door?

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Paris Hilton DJs In Cannes

By Lex May 19, 2015 @ 8:54 AM

Paris Hilton DJs In Cannes
I could tell you how much money Paris Hilton gets slipped into her garter to DJ Cannes film festival nightclub events but it would just cause you to punch something you love. As the reigning world’s greatest DJ as determined by formerly bi-curious men on the continent, Paris’ take is something north of the GDP of the entire misunderstood continent of Africa, though only 72% of what Bill Gates makes thanks to shitty sexism. Everybody comes to see Paris work her laptop, her functioning retina locked on the track pad as if the party lives of four hundred French-speaking Arabs depended on it. Cannes is bank for Paris. If you hate it, you hate capitalism and are probably rooting for ISIS. Stop hating on Paris and start loving America. You won’t get the herp if you take her from behind. Read it on Web MD.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Paris Hilton Is Open to Interpretation

By Lex May 14, 2015 @ 11:21 AM

Paris Hilton Is The Queen Of Fucking Everything
There are two ways to read Paris Hilton’s new motto. I choose to go with the more degrading. She will fuck everything. This doesn’t sound like something to brag about necessarily, unless you can turn your hundred million trust fund into two hundred million in trust fund plus DJ and fragrance fees. Her eye didn’t go lazy, it’s just cockeyed from staring up from men’s waistbands and letting them know they’ll be taking three thousand cases. That’s not a cum splash, that’s a signature. You have to be the queen of something.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Tinkerbell Is Dead And Shit Around The Web

By Jack April 22, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Paris Hilton’s famous glorified rat, Tinkerbell, has died at the age of fifteen. The chihuahua whore launched a thousand dumb bitches carrying dogs in purses in the early 2000′s. Nothing can heal the pain of a lost canine friend. Though snorting rails out of his dog bowl couldn’t hurt.

Read all about the dead dog. (Huffington Post)

Chinese model Mai Ping Guo just a seat belt? Asian yes, please. (Egotastic)

Lindsay Lohan tries to say “You’re beautiful” in Arabic and says “I am a donkey instead. (TMZ)

Nina Serebrova’s bare ass will make your day. (Drunken Stepfather)

Meanwhile, in Joanna Krupa’s tits news…(Hollywood Tuna)

Blake Lively forgot to wear a bra. (Popoholic)

Remember Suicide Girls? Yeah, you do. (The Chive)

Paris Hilton Is Coachella

By Lex April 20, 2015 @ 10:42 AM

Paris Hilton Dances At Coachella
Dance like nobody’s watching. Fuck like everybody paid for seats. I admire Paris Hilton’s motto. Also the way her caretakers drop her and her pill organizer off to so many places each week. Ignorance is bliss, but nothing compared to being dumb and rich. Reality only sets in when the music stops.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Barbie Gets the Demon Bumps

By Lex March 18, 2015 @ 10:58 AM

Paris  Hilton Pretends To Be A Barbie For Odda Magazine
Somebody had the ingenius idea of posing Paris Hilton as a sexualized Barbie Doll. I’m going to guess it wasn’t the makers of Barbie. Their sales are tanking, but they still want to go to heaven. Young girls who used to be stuck in sexist cliches like shopper and homemaker and stewardess can now envision themselves as lazy-eyed party girls who cozy up to the boys with the good cocaine. Barbie has always been about expanding the potential of womanhood in the minds of young girls. Pubic hairs on the pillow seem like the natural next step.

Photo Credit: Odda Magazine