Paris Hilton Fakes It And Shit Around The Web

By Jack July 02, 2015 @ 12:00 PM


Lazy-eyed heiress Paris Hilton may have been in on that plane crash practical joke from earlier in the week. At least that’s what people are saying. I don’t buy it. That DJ is not good enough of an actress. She used to get upstaged by her dog.

Could someone as honest as Paris lie? (Huffington Post)

Stella Maxwell’s tits are delightful. That Miley is one lucky bitch. (Egotastic)

Matt Damon’s ponytail is the worst thing to happen to the world since 9/11. (TMZ)

Berit Birkeland, River Lana, and Yasmina Jones want you to see their pretty pink nips. (Drunken Stepfather)

Jennifer Nicole Lee’s tits get patriotic with American flag bikini. (Hollywood Tuna)

Eva Longoria knows how to fill out a bikini. (Popoholic)

Bras are for losers. (The Chive)

Paris Hilton Terrorized By Arabs (VIDEO)

By Lex June 29, 2015 @ 11:51 AM

Arab TV audiences have unique sensibility on humor. It leans toward stoning women to death for touching their own nipples. The Dubai TV prank show conceit here is that Paris Hilton is told she’s going to puddle jump on a prop plane to some commercial event. A famous Egyptian TV personality who nobody recognizes outside of hotel satellite channels across the U.A.E sprays a nasty toilet scent throughout the plane. It’s not entirely explained why, but apparently it’s funny that something smells worse than Middle Eastern men on flights. A terrorist takeover is staged because 9/11 comedy still tracks well on the Peninsula. A guy who looks like the pilot is thrown out of the rear cargo door as the aircraft begins to nose dive. All the other passengers on the plane are in on the ruse except for Paris Hilton who is crying and screaming about not wanting to die a virgin. It’s worth a shot.

I’d call it fake except I’m not sure Paris has any dramatic skills outside of convincing her boyfriends that semi-erect cocaine dick makes her horny. She seems literally shaken. Though not so much she forgets to blast the host and talk about how this scared the shit out of her and was the best prank ever.

Fucking with Paris Hilton is far easier than it is smart. Watching her face when she realized she’d shit her pants on a punking was like watching the baby killer whale slip dead out of Orca’s old lady. Enjoy your chuckles, ISIS. Even Allah’s taking shelter.

Paris Hilton Had a Leak

By Lex June 19, 2015 @ 11:31 AM

Paris Hilton Wears Swimsuits In Ibiza
According to unreliable media outlets reviewing the unreliable stories run in InTouch magazine, Kim Kardashian was the secret source of Paris Hilton boozy drunken slutty rich girl gossip during her time as Paris’ lackey. This was before Ray J mixed urine and cum on her lumbar regions and turned her into a fabulous princess. Now that InTouch magazine has broken their one legit story ever with the Duggar molestations, they’re trying to disavow the entire breadth of their past. This includes the minor ombudsman note that they completely concocted stories for the entire rest of their publication life. Since only really stupid people didn’t question it, we all decided as a society to let it be semi-legal. Like professional wrestling or Presidential politics. Many are claiming that ‘disloyal’ ought to be added to the list of Kim Kardashian attributes. I’m good with the traditional money-grubbing porn star midget. If I’m adding any more adjectives, I’m going with conjunctivitis ass. Jackals don’t have a word for acting like jackals.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Nicky Hilton Found a Purpose

By Lex June 08, 2015 @ 9:03 AM

Nicky And Paris Hilton On A Boat For Nickys Bachelorette Weekend
It’s hard to say which of the fractured Hilton ducklings is the least horrible. I’m going with Nicky. In ten years of tracking celebrities I’ve never seen Nicky not on her cellphone, but fuck, if the worst thing you can say about a Hilton is they’re a tedious chatterbug, you have you best Hilton ever. After dropping out of fashion school and pretending to run a few phony failed businesses in her 20′s, Nicky Hilton had begun to lack purpose. There were insidious rumors she was keeping down her meals. Somebody found her a British banking Rothschild which is a nice get if everyone agrees the Jewish ancestral line isn’t to be discussed. Nicky’s now to be settled into a life of charity balls, a single child named Baron Escalade, and a molasses slow suicide from three parts of a Heath Ledger cocktail. Paris has already picked out the dress and color coordinated selfie stick. The Winans gospel will bring the crowd to tears. Who let the colored folk in through the front door?

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Paris Hilton DJs In Cannes

By Lex May 19, 2015 @ 8:54 AM

Paris Hilton DJs In Cannes
I could tell you how much money Paris Hilton gets slipped into her garter to DJ Cannes film festival nightclub events but it would just cause you to punch something you love. As the reigning world’s greatest DJ as determined by formerly bi-curious men on the continent, Paris’ take is something north of the GDP of the entire misunderstood continent of Africa, though only 72% of what Bill Gates makes thanks to shitty sexism. Everybody comes to see Paris work her laptop, her functioning retina locked on the track pad as if the party lives of four hundred French-speaking Arabs depended on it. Cannes is bank for Paris. If you hate it, you hate capitalism and are probably rooting for ISIS. Stop hating on Paris and start loving America. You won’t get the herp if you take her from behind. Read it on Web MD.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Paris Hilton Is Open to Interpretation

By Lex May 14, 2015 @ 11:21 AM

Paris Hilton Is The Queen Of Fucking Everything
There are two ways to read Paris Hilton’s new motto. I choose to go with the more degrading. She will fuck everything. This doesn’t sound like something to brag about necessarily, unless you can turn your hundred million trust fund into two hundred million in trust fund plus DJ and fragrance fees. Her eye didn’t go lazy, it’s just cockeyed from staring up from men’s waistbands and letting them know they’ll be taking three thousand cases. That’s not a cum splash, that’s a signature. You have to be the queen of something.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet