By Lex June 26, 2014 @ 1:45 PM
It’s easy to forget that Paris Hilton is a significant music artist in countries where they still burn goats to make it rain. I was pretty convinced she’d never cut it in the rough U.S. market until I saw that the people who make the hair for Madame Tussaud’s figured out a super natural looking wig for Paris that subtly covers up her lazy eye. Paris Hilton has a musical story to tell. It’s buried deep inside, tucked in next to the bag of ye-yo she keeps stored in the upper left ventricle of her four chamber snatch. That music needs to come out. If you stare at her panties and concentrate, maybe you won’t notice how truly fucking horrible it is.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News
By Lex June 11, 2014 @ 12:10 PM
Under new ownership, Maxim magazine continues its on-again off-again tradition of inviting really good looking foreign models to its Maxim Hot 100 celebration. Last year saw the Miley Cyrus incident that cost the waning periodical its nut sack in pride. They seem to have righted their ship this year by bringing out girls who have a better understanding of how to put on lipstick. These are the girls who were told as far back as they can remember how pretty they were, because they were, not because they had a kids TV show that was paying for all the Range Rovers in the family.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Travis May 21, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
In an ongoing effort to show us what a joke of a shitshow the Cannes Film Festival has become, not only has Paris Hilton been pretending she’s still a DJ at clubs in the city, but now the boy who couldn’t ever wear a shirt, Justin Bieber, has brought his saggy jeans and tough guy routine to a once-reputable celebration of the movie industry as well. On Sunday night, Justin hit the Gotha night club, where Paris was being paid to keep a lazy eye on her iTunes playlist while she sat in an exclusive VIP area and yelled at people who tried to take pictures. Paris reportedly gave Justin a lap dance at her table, because she’s a respected businesswoman who has really grown and matured as a global entrepreneur.
And if that wasn’t random enough, Justin then met up with Wesley Snipes in the strange video above, and if Blade wanted a way to launch a real comeback as a Hollywood action hero now that he’s out of prison, beating the piss out of Justin might have had him at the front row of the Oscars for the rest of his life. Missed opportunities, Wesley.
By Travis May 14, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
Because someone needs a DJ for their meaningless after party or a really old, rich guy wants to overpay for sex, Paris Hilton has been bragging that she’s heading to the Cannes Film Festival again, and it’s certainly not because she’s actually supposed to be there. She also bragged about how she’s going to have a photo shoot with Ellen von Unwerth, who Paris claims takes the sexiest pictures of her. That’s a pretty bold claim, seeing as we’ve already seen Paris’s breasts and vagina on a number of occasions, and we’ve even watched her suck a douchebag’s dick through night vision, so unless she means that Ellen is going to take pictures of her being fed to bears, I’m not sure there’s a sexy photo of Paris left to take.
Photo Credits: Paris Hilton Instagram
By Lex May 05, 2014 @ 2:02 PM
The further she slides into herpetic dementia, the less likely anybody is to tell Paris Hilton she’s not really a DJ, or an actress or a race car driver or a noted industrialist or even a particularly strong model. She’s like an elderly vet reliving his time nailing French girls after the liberation. Who’s going to tell him to stop humping the dirty linens at the retirement center? Paris Hilton hasn’t really ever served her country, but we’ve all sort of agreed that the feeble minded ought be treated with kid gloves. Better she can dress up in leather and press a couple buttons than allowing her to roam the streets at night searching for her kitty who went missing twenty-five years ago. The measure of a civilized society is how kindly we treat our rich and stupid.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex March 10, 2014 @ 5:02 PM
If you’re like me, you’re thinking, boy, I wish there was a way I could combine my admiration of all things Paris Hilton with my passion for the luxury lifestyle represented by the island nation of the Philippines. Well, hello Paris Beach Club, attached to a new upscale residential living complex in one of the fine burghs of the Philippines:
“We wanted to provide our Azure residents the ultimate beach resort experience. Paris, with her exposure to the world’s best beach destinations, had shared very valuable inputs to achieve this objective. She helped us choose the material and color palettes for the project, and had compiled her style inspirations into a book for us. Now, we have a truly world-class beach club for the residents of our Azure development.” — some real estate developer bullshitter.
It’s true. Nobody knows the beach resorts around the world that people with money flock to be as far away from the Philippines as possible quite like Paris Hilton. I can only imagine how rich and robust that style book was. I like blue, and I like green, and it should be shiny… this check is in American dollars, right? Some of Paris personal touches can be found in the beach lounge chairs that give you HSV2 if you’re not wearing proper undergarments and the Typhoon Paris attraction where every evening at 11:11 the wave pool cranks up the horsepower and creates a series of tsunamis that devastate the property and sweep sleeping children away into the sea. Looking back on the tragedy at the Paris Beach Club, nobody will say they didn’t see it coming.