By Lex July 07, 2014 @ 3:44 PM
The Hilton sisters eminent domain a beach house each summer in Malibu where they can store their party drugs and giggle like dullards at their great-grandfather’s writings on the chaste life. Every fourth of July, the inflamed one and the boring one hold a blowout 4th of July beach party to celebrate being pretend DJs and fashion mavens and to show the world that being rich and white is still pretty damn awesome. If you don’t leave the party with a serious buzz or an uncomfortable itch along the base of your shaft, you probably didn’t stay long enough.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, FameFlynet, Splash
By Lex June 30, 2014 @ 5:00 PM
The BET people really need to work on their pro forma white invites. I understand you’re black entertainment for everybody, including wealthy white heiresses with hot new house music singles tracking in Qatar. But maybe you don’t pick the girl with the racist background as your token blond. You couldn’t land a Michael Bolton or maybe Leslie Mann and her gimp? Just some cracker to show you care about all God’s creatures. Do you realize how many Hollywood whiteys would jump at the chance to be marginalized for this noble cause? Consider me disappointed. I can’t even see Paris’ nipples.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, FameFlynet, Getty
By Lex June 26, 2014 @ 1:45 PM
It’s easy to forget that Paris Hilton is a significant music artist in countries where they still burn goats to make it rain. I was pretty convinced she’d never cut it in the rough U.S. market until I saw that the people who make the hair for Madame Tussaud’s figured out a super natural looking wig for Paris that subtly covers up her lazy eye. Paris Hilton has a musical story to tell. It’s buried deep inside, tucked in next to the bag of ye-yo she keeps stored in the upper left ventricle of her four chamber snatch. That music needs to come out. If you stare at her panties and concentrate, maybe you won’t notice how truly fucking horrible it is.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News
By Lex June 11, 2014 @ 12:10 PM
Under new ownership, Maxim magazine continues its on-again off-again tradition of inviting really good looking foreign models to its Maxim Hot 100 celebration. Last year saw the Miley Cyrus incident that cost the waning periodical its nut sack in pride. They seem to have righted their ship this year by bringing out girls who have a better understanding of how to put on lipstick. These are the girls who were told as far back as they can remember how pretty they were, because they were, not because they had a kids TV show that was paying for all the Range Rovers in the family.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Travis May 21, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
In an ongoing effort to show us what a joke of a shitshow the Cannes Film Festival has become, not only has Paris Hilton been pretending she’s still a DJ at clubs in the city, but now the boy who couldn’t ever wear a shirt, Justin Bieber, has brought his saggy jeans and tough guy routine to a once-reputable celebration of the movie industry as well. On Sunday night, Justin hit the Gotha night club, where Paris was being paid to keep a lazy eye on her iTunes playlist while she sat in an exclusive VIP area and yelled at people who tried to take pictures. Paris reportedly gave Justin a lap dance at her table, because she’s a respected businesswoman who has really grown and matured as a global entrepreneur.
And if that wasn’t random enough, Justin then met up with Wesley Snipes in the strange video above, and if Blade wanted a way to launch a real comeback as a Hollywood action hero now that he’s out of prison, beating the piss out of Justin might have had him at the front row of the Oscars for the rest of his life. Missed opportunities, Wesley.
By Travis May 14, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
Because someone needs a DJ for their meaningless after party or a really old, rich guy wants to overpay for sex, Paris Hilton has been bragging that she’s heading to the Cannes Film Festival again, and it’s certainly not because she’s actually supposed to be there. She also bragged about how she’s going to have a photo shoot with Ellen von Unwerth, who Paris claims takes the sexiest pictures of her. That’s a pretty bold claim, seeing as we’ve already seen Paris’s breasts and vagina on a number of occasions, and we’ve even watched her suck a douchebag’s dick through night vision, so unless she means that Ellen is going to take pictures of her being fed to bears, I’m not sure there’s a sexy photo of Paris left to take.
Photo Credits: Paris Hilton Instagram