By Travis May 14, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
Because someone needs a DJ for their meaningless after party or a really old, rich guy wants to overpay for sex, Paris Hilton has been bragging that she’s heading to the Cannes Film Festival again, and it’s certainly not because she’s actually supposed to be there. She also bragged about how she’s going to have a photo shoot with Ellen von Unwerth, who Paris claims takes the sexiest pictures of her. That’s a pretty bold claim, seeing as we’ve already seen Paris’s breasts and vagina on a number of occasions, and we’ve even watched her suck a douchebag’s dick through night vision, so unless she means that Ellen is going to take pictures of her being fed to bears, I’m not sure there’s a sexy photo of Paris left to take.
Photo Credits: Paris Hilton Instagram
By Lex May 05, 2014 @ 2:02 PM
The further she slides into herpetic dementia, the less likely anybody is to tell Paris Hilton she’s not really a DJ, or an actress or a race car driver or a noted industrialist or even a particularly strong model. She’s like an elderly vet reliving his time nailing French girls after the liberation. Who’s going to tell him to stop humping the dirty linens at the retirement center? Paris Hilton hasn’t really ever served her country, but we’ve all sort of agreed that the feeble minded ought be treated with kid gloves. Better she can dress up in leather and press a couple buttons than allowing her to roam the streets at night searching for her kitty who went missing twenty-five years ago. The measure of a civilized society is how kindly we treat our rich and stupid.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex March 10, 2014 @ 5:02 PM
If you’re like me, you’re thinking, boy, I wish there was a way I could combine my admiration of all things Paris Hilton with my passion for the luxury lifestyle represented by the island nation of the Philippines. Well, hello Paris Beach Club, attached to a new upscale residential living complex in one of the fine burghs of the Philippines:
“We wanted to provide our Azure residents the ultimate beach resort experience. Paris, with her exposure to the world’s best beach destinations, had shared very valuable inputs to achieve this objective. She helped us choose the material and color palettes for the project, and had compiled her style inspirations into a book for us. Now, we have a truly world-class beach club for the residents of our Azure development.” — some real estate developer bullshitter.
It’s true. Nobody knows the beach resorts around the world that people with money flock to be as far away from the Philippines as possible quite like Paris Hilton. I can only imagine how rich and robust that style book was. I like blue, and I like green, and it should be shiny… this check is in American dollars, right? Some of Paris personal touches can be found in the beach lounge chairs that give you HSV2 if you’re not wearing proper undergarments and the Typhoon Paris attraction where every evening at 11:11 the wave pool cranks up the horsepower and creates a series of tsunamis that devastate the property and sweep sleeping children away into the sea. Looking back on the tragedy at the Paris Beach Club, nobody will say they didn’t see it coming.
By Lex March 10, 2014 @ 10:22 AM
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Pacific Coast News, WENN
By Travis February 17, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
Paris Hilton turns 33 years old today, so naturally she celebrated over the weekend with a huge, star-studded party that featured some of the biggest names in music, movies, TV and fashion. Except, all of their invitations must have gotten lost in the mail, because the only people that showed up to Saturday night’s event at Greystone Manor that I’ve heard of were her parents and Corey Feldman. Paris is a shrewd tactician, though, and she knows how to make people stop talking about how her most famous friend is an 80s child actor who wants to be Charlie Sheen and focus on her. Naturally, she didn’t wear underwear and she flashed her vagina to everyone on the red carpet. Honestly, though, even her parents probably said, “Seen it already” because the only way Paris could shock us with her vagina would be to close it.
Photo Credits: Brian To/WENN.com