In what has to be the weirdest possible celebrity pairing imaginable, Lance Armstrong was seen earlier this week at a club on the Sunset Strip with Paris Hilton. Page Six says:
The two showed up to the Key Club in L.A. Tuesday night to catch the band the Vacation. "They came together, they hung out and left together," said our spy.
There’s simply no possible way this hussy has some layer of depth that makes her tolerable to seemingly normal people like Lance Armstrong and Justin Timberlake, is there? It can't be. I have to assume he banged her, because that's Paris Hiltons only use. Normally women can at least be good for baking me a pie and fetching my slippers, but I wouldn’t even trust Paris to do that right. I’d almost certainly end up with scalding hot pie on my feet.
Paris Hiltons debut CD is being seen as a failure after its first week on the charts. "Paris" sold only 75,000 copies in the United States, barely ranking in the Billboard Hot 100 and a far cry from the chart topping Christina Aguilera, who sold 320,000 copies of her album last week. This week , "Paris" is projected to sell just 30,000 copies. Page Six says:
"The international outlook is not much better for her," one industry source told Page Six. "The international people are not inclined to do a big push since she can't back up the album with a tour. Obviously, she can't sing live." The source added that Hilton was advised a year ago to train her voice, work with choreographers and learn an instrument to prepare for a limited tour, but "obviously she didn't listen."
God, this is so satisfying. The only way I would ever listen to a Paris Hilton song is if I was poisoned and the ingredients to the antidote were hidden in her lyrics.
Elijah Blue Allman, the son of Cher and Gregg Allman, said on the Howard Stern show last week that he was so concerned that he may have caught an STD after having sex with Paris Hilton that he scrubbed his penis with Tilex. MSNBC says:
Hilton is “not happy” about Allman’s comments, says a source, even though he described Hilton as a “sweet girl.” Alman also said he had sex years ago with Hilton’s reality show co-star and former best friend, Nicole Richie.
I'd actually rather have sex with the bottle of Tilex than Paris Hilton. At least then I wouldn't have to guess why my penis was burning. There are really only about 10 things that I would care to see Paris Hilton do these days, although 1 through 9 are all "kill yourself". Number 10 is actually "kill yourself" as well, but I wrote the "I" in "Kill" as a little lightning bolt.
SpoofCard, a calling card that allows users to record calls, change their voice to sound either male or female and manipulate Caller ID among other things, has terminated the accounts of more than 50 members - including Paris Hilton - who abused the service and obtained unauthorized access to other peoples voicemail. In a press release, SpoofCard went public in an effort to discourage fraud in the future. SpoofCard says:
Many of the terminated customers and the victims whose mailboxes were accessed are well known celebrities … SpoofCard.com confirmed that Paris Hilton was among the terminated customers, and that Lindsay Lohan was among those whose voicemail accounts were broken into. SpoofCard has put software controls on its network so that customers can no longer use its service to break into the voicemail boxes of Miss Lohan or the other victims it has identified.
Paris Hilton should have a halo. And by that, I mean, I wish she were dead.
(the pictures below aren't really relevant to anything, just new angles of these, to make sure you’ve now seen every inch of Lindsay Lohan. Unless she finds a way to turn herself inside out, this should finally be all of it.)
Paris Hilton debut album "Paris" was released yesterday with a thud, currently ranking 44th on Amazons top sellers list, one spot behind a Beyonce album that doesn't get released for two weeks and seven spots behind a 40 year old Johnny Cash record. The second soundtrack to "Cheetah Girls" does 13 spots better, and "Kidz Bop 10" does 21 spots better. When asked for a comment, Paris said, “Aww man … where am I. Why is my ass sore? Did I black out? Why does my jaw hurt? And what's on that tape those guys are watching?”
Paris Hilton's debut album hits stores today, and no matter what happens now, Paris Hilton will always love Paris Hilton. Blender magazine asked what she thought about her first record:
"I, like, cry, when I listen to it, it's so good."
And according to Hilton, everyone else loves it too, as long as they don’t know it's her:
"People go crazy. They love it. Everyone's like, 'Who is this?' I don't tell. Because I don't want someone putting their phone up and recording it and making a ring tone off of it."
Then, in direct contradiction to everything Hilton has said so far, she insists shes very nice and down to earth.
"I think people expect me to be this bitch snob. But I'm really nice, and I feel bad if I'm mean."
Paris Hilton doesn't think very much of us if we're expected to believe she's anything other than a condescending bitch who bought her way to a music career. I'd rather fill my ears with lava than listen to her sing. I heard her song on my car radio the other day, and I just drove my car right off a cliff. She had pretty much ruined my entire car. I've had a few weeks to think about it now, and I'm 100 percent convinced I did the right thing.
