Paris Hilton Comes Alive

By Lex July 11, 2014 @ 9:22 AM

Paris Hilton DJs At The Release Party For Her New Single 'Come Alive' In West Hollywood

Every now and then a song comes along that you hear and just know the music world will never be the same. Paris Hilton’s Come Alive is not one of those songs. Unless we’re limiting our definition of the music world to the discos in Qatar where this bit of auditory sheizen will be hailed by guests sucking down Rum and Tab sodas. Paris Hilton is to musical composition what the Jenner sisters are to dystopian universe story telling. The not so bad looking dim bulb mannequins in the window. Paris’ uninspired bit of auto-tuned party girl cliches will likely make the boys at Cash Money Records some dough, they take off first dollar. Paris might see enough to buy three barrels of cheek makeup and some organic crackers for her dog. Still, the launch party looked amazing as up to seventeen employees of the label’s P.R. firm were forced to act excited to see Paris DJ her own new track. All good things eventually come to an end. Really fucking crappy things take a bit longer, so, be patient.

Photo Credit: Getty, Pacific Coast News

Paris Hilton In a Bikini

By Lex July 07, 2014 @ 3:44 PM

Paris Hilton In A Black Bikini On The 4th of July In Malibu
The Hilton sisters eminent domain a beach house each summer in Malibu where they can store their party drugs and giggle like dullards at their great-grandfather’s writings on the chaste life. Every fourth of July, the inflamed one and the boring one hold a blowout 4th of July beach party to celebrate being pretend DJs and fashion mavens and to show the world that being rich and white is still pretty damn awesome. If you don’t leave the party with a serious buzz or an uncomfortable itch along the base of your shaft, you probably didn’t stay long enough.

Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, FameFlynet, Splash

Paris Hilton Lands the Token Racist Invite

By Lex June 30, 2014 @ 5:00 PM

Paris Hilton Cleavy At The BET AWARDS '14 In Los Angeles
The BET people really need to work on their pro forma white invites. I understand you’re black entertainment for everybody, including wealthy white heiresses with hot new house music singles tracking in Qatar. But maybe you don’t pick the girl with the racist background as your token blond. You couldn’t land a Michael Bolton or maybe Leslie Mann and her gimp? Just some cracker to show you care about all God’s creatures. Do you realize how many Hollywood whiteys would jump at the chance to be marginalized for this noble cause? Consider me disappointed. I can’t even see Paris’ nipples.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, FameFlynet, Getty

Paris Hilton Flashes Her Panties Filming New Music Video

By Lex June 26, 2014 @ 1:45 PM

Paris Hilton Flashes Her Panties On The Set Of Her New Music Video In Los Angeles
It’s easy to forget that Paris Hilton is a significant music artist in countries where they still burn goats to make it rain. I was pretty convinced she’d never cut it in the rough U.S. market until I saw that the people who make the hair for Madame Tussaud’s figured out a super natural looking wig for Paris that subtly covers up her lazy eye. Paris Hilton has a musical story to tell. It’s buried deep inside, tucked in next to the bag of ye-yo she keeps stored in the upper left ventricle of her four chamber snatch. That music needs to come out. If you stare at her panties and concentrate, maybe you won’t notice how truly fucking horrible it is.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News

Maxim Finally Gets It Right

By Lex June 11, 2014 @ 12:10 PM

Candice Swanepoel Shows Her Midriff At Maxim's Hot 100 Women Of 2014 Celebration
Under new ownership, Maxim magazine continues its on-again off-again tradition of inviting really good looking foreign models to its Maxim Hot 100 celebration. Last year saw the Miley Cyrus incident that cost the waning periodical its nut sack in pride. They seem to have righted their ship this year by bringing out girls who have a better understanding of how to put on lipstick. These are the girls who were told as far back as they can remember how pretty they were, because they were, not because they had a kids TV show that was paying for all the Range Rovers in the family.

Photo Credit: Getty

Justin Bieber Is Partying With Paris Hilton And Wesley Snipes In Cannes (VIDEO)

By Travis May 21, 2014 @ 9:00 AM

In an ongoing effort to show us what a joke of a shitshow the Cannes Film Festival has become, not only has Paris Hilton been pretending she’s still a DJ at clubs in the city, but now the boy who couldn’t ever wear a shirt, Justin Bieber, has brought his saggy jeans and tough guy routine to a once-reputable celebration of the movie industry as well. On Sunday night, Justin hit the Gotha night club, where Paris was being paid to keep a lazy eye on her iTunes playlist while she sat in an exclusive VIP area and yelled at people who tried to take pictures. Paris reportedly gave Justin a lap dance at her table, because she’s a respected businesswoman who has really grown and matured as a global entrepreneur.

And if that wasn’t random enough, Justin then met up with Wesley Snipes in the strange video above, and if Blade wanted a way to launch a real comeback as a Hollywood action hero now that he’s out of prison, beating the piss out of Justin might have had him at the front row of the Oscars for the rest of his life. Missed opportunities, Wesley.