Paris Hilton continues her Malibu parties for the cameras of her new French company shot reality show. I’m not sure who is interested in seeing Paris and her teenaged boyfriend not do the the things they really do that are semi-interesting like snort coke and have coke sex. That’s what made One Night in Paris watchable. Does anybody want to see Paris laugh and be coy and up to silly antics? I mean, besides swarthy men in the Middle East and prisoners. Yay, watch my boyfriend try to learn how to surf! He’s so silly and underaged. It probably makes sense to the people of France. Like Babar.
Like many Americans, Paris Hilton spent the 4th of July holiday giving herpes to her dog. Sorry, that’s not true. Dogs can’t get human herpes. But you can still really disappoint them if they find out you were lying about it after sex.
Paris Hilton was the life of the beach party at her 4th of July event. She expertly performed her six standard poses with smiles, wore an American flag skirt given to her by the Emir of Qatar after an evening spent trying to translate the word ‘herpes’ into Arabic, and forgot to bring the potato salad. You know girls like this. Amber Rose finally showed up so Paris didn’t have to hear everybody calling her the skankiest girl at the party any longer.
Model, actress, businesswoman, and music superstar, Paris Hilton got snapped today smoking a joint while cruising around town in her red Ferrari. I guess you can say you’ve made it when you puff tough in your $200K sports car in broad daylight. It says to the world “I’ve been to celebrity court and I’ve faced your 6 hour jail terms and I’ve done community service and you don’t scare me. Now, I’m gonna get my smoke on and do some shopping, so step the fuck off.” Kind of gangster. With a side of gangster herpes.
Hold on to your ass hats, Paris Hilton is almost done with her new album. Last month we told you that she had signed Cash Money Records in order to rape our ears with lazy-eyed Banshee shrieks. You might remember Paris Hilton as the obnoxious dirty whore that pioneered the field of being famous for a sex tapes and DUI arrests. She paved the way for the Lindsays and Kim Kardashians we enjoy today. Who exactly told Paris that the world was clamoring for an album is beyond me. Probably Satan’s younger teen sister. Paris said of the upcoming album:
“I’m in the studio and almost finished with the album…I’m so excited. I think they’ve created an amazing brand. Lil Wayne and some other surprise guests will be on the album, and it’s going to be so sick. It’s an electropop album with some dance-y songs.”
Is Lil Wayne that hard up for money that he needs to be featured on a Paris Hilton album? Why not just go donate blood? Oh, yeah, hep. This isn’t Paris’ first foray into music. Back when she was semi-relevant in 2006 she released an abomination called Paris on Heiress Records. If you ever decide that you want to kill yourself but are afraid you’ll chicken out at the last minute, just put on Paris.
Paris Hilton loves attention. Technically, she loves paid attention. As an experiment, when you see her, grab her ass cheek and give it a good squeeze. You’ll get a beat down. Slide three $100 bills into her garter and give her ass a good squeeze and you’ll get a girlish giggle and a knowing wink from her good eye. It’s all about the context.