By Travis February 03, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
While you were serving up lukewarm canned chili and mildly-roofied Bud Light at your own Super Bowl party this weekend, the 11th annual Leather and Laces party in New York City was the perfect event for anyone who wanted to stare at the world’s most attractive women for two nights while not giving an actual shit about football. Alessandra Ambrosio, Adriana Lima, Bar Refaeli and Brooklyn Decker attended the party at Liberty Theater and probably made the rest of the women feel really inadequate, but then Paris Hilton showed up and the other guests breathed a collective sigh of relief. Hell, they all could have looked like someone threw acid on Rocky Dennis and people would have still been trying to figure out why Paris was standing next to the Victoria’s Secret A-squad.
Photo Credits: WENN.com
By Travis January 27, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
When you’re the world’s greatest DJ like Paris Hilton, and there’s simply nobody else on this planet who can press play on iTunes like you can, the only reason to even pay attention to the Grammys is for all of the pre-parties thrown by music’s biggest stars, like Jay Z’s big party in Los Angeles on Saturday night. Paris could have gone to the Grammys like some stupid musician looking for validation from the industry’s biggest names, but she already knows that the zeroes on the paychecks that she receives from really desperate nightclubs mean that she’s better than all of the other spoiled rich kids who didn’t need a job and turned to playing electronic music as a “career.” Paris Hilton – 1, the rest of the music industry – 0.
Photo Credits: Winston Burris/WENN.com
By Lex January 24, 2014 @ 3:15 PM
It’s going to be forever difficult for anybody to outdo Whitney Houston’s bathtub performance at the pre-Grammy party two years ago, but Paris Hilton is taking a stab at it. Recognized as a major recording artist herself in several Persian Gulf nations, Paris sewed herself a dress meant to look like she was showing off the place where she hides her cocaine from the police. But it’s all just an elaborate illusion of shadow and cloth and Valtrex salve. Paris is no wasted racist kid anymore. She’s turning 33 next month. You can really see her blossoming into a mature woman. Well, you can almost see.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, WENN
By Travis January 13, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
Despite the fact that this weekend was supposed to be all about the biggest stars in Hollywood and the hard work they put into the TV shows and movies that are honored at the Golden Globes by people who love having their asses kissed, a lot of really big stars took some time to give back on Saturday, as they attended Sean Penn’s third annual Help Haiti Home Gala in Beverly Hills. There was no greater star in attendance than Paris Hilton, though, as the world’s most talented and successful DJ hit up the red carpet and arched her back so people were tricked into believing she has large breasts. Unfortunately, Pam Anderson soon walked by, causing the photographers to ask, “Hey, who’s that boy with the long blonde hair in the pink dress again?”
Photo Credits: FayesVision/Guillermo Proano/WENN.com
By Travis January 02, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
Because people are stupid, Paris Hilton was greeted by a bunch of her fans when she arrived at the Hyde Bellagio on Tuesday night to continue to pretend that she’s a DJ for a New Year’s Eve party. It’s absolutely amazing that Paris is reportedly one of the highest paid DJs in the world, because not only does she seem like the kind of person who would be confused by the simplest buttons on her iTunes control panel, but her own music is the stuff that nightmares are made of. Normally, I’d ask that we all pledge to make 2014 the year that we push Paris and other similar celebrities into irrelevance, but I have a feeling that she’ll only keep playing tired ass techno music until she’s eventually welcoming Prime Minister Justin Bieber at his swearing in.
Photo Credits: DJDM/Judy Eddy/WENN.com
By Lex December 26, 2013 @ 5:29 PM
Paris Hilton preternaturally assumes the persona of the men she bangs. I’d call her a succubus but those underworld beings actually have to work a bit at their vile craft. Paris just squats atop and suddenly possesses all the skills, talents and viruses of her latest conquest. She banged a race car driver, next thing you know, she’s running a race car team in Spain. She rode a coke dealer, next thing you know she’s getting her dad to pay her high school to give her a diploma. A couple years ago she was boinking DJ AfroJack, and, blammo, Paris took on all the acumen of a world class DJ. This would include pushing buttons, fist pumping, and being able to stay up late. Now Paris Hilton claims she’s one of the five highest paid DJs in the world. It’d be easy to say this is just another empty assertion from a mildly-retarded girl whose mom consumed too much valium during fermentation. But it’s probably true. She’s raking in millions playing pre-programmed electronic dance music to hordes of young people who’ve ripped off their department store name tags to let loose one memorable evening at some club where they have a bubble machine. Men who wear silk shirts need a place to let it all hang out, and Paris is right there to gobble up their hangings. You could bitch and moan. But fuck you, stop hating democracy.
Photo Credit: Getty Images