Buy Paris Hilton’s Handbag Or She’ll Kiss You on the Lips

By Lex December 03, 2013 @ 4:15 PM

Paris Hilton Gets In A Bikini To Promote Her Handbag Line
If you’ve got nothing planned for this week’s paycheck, why not get yourself a Paris Hilton handbag. It’s perfect for the shingles-ridden socialite on the go. Fur lined pouches for keeping your Valaciclovir warm and secret compartments for stashing your cocaine guaranteed to get you past most European customs officials provided you fly private jet. It also has the word Rouge written on it both forward and backwards, which is some pretty advanced graphics that not just any preteen Indonesian factory girl can sew. Ask yourself this: what have I done lately to make Paris Hilton money? Exactly. Get on this shit.

Photo Credit: Paris Hilton/Instagram

Paris Hilton Doesn’t Want Slovenia Watching Her Amateur Porn Video

By Travis November 25, 2013 @ 12:00 PM

Paris Hilton became famous because her family is worth a ton of money and that gave her the freedom to do whatever the fuck she wants for the rest of her life, while millions of American girls adored her slutty and idiotic antics. For reasons unknown, Paris is still pretty famous and people now pay her money to pretend that she’s a professional DJ, while she also pretends that she’s a fashion icon and world famous business entrepreneur. Of course, to most of us, she’ll always be that girl who sucked a guy’s dick in night vision, and grown up, professional businesswoman Paris wants to make sure she’s the only one still making cash off her porn.

According to TMZ, Paris is now suing the people behind the Slovenian website, ParisHiltonPornVideos.com, because it hosts clips of her porn video, 1 Night in Paris. While it might seem like Paris is being a greedy hypocrite, you could also make a case that she’s trying to finally make life a little better in Slovenia.

Photo Credit: WENN.com

Paris Hilton Was Miley Cyrus For Halloween

By Travis October 28, 2013 @ 9:00 AM

Not only is Paris Hilton a brilliant, successful entrepreneur and businesswoman, and not only is she adored throughout the fashion world as a beautiful model and a symbol of class and elegance, and not only is she an incredibly talented music artist and DJ, but she’s also super hilarious, you guys. Paris showed up to Hugh Hefner’s Halloween party at the Playboy Mansion last night dressed as Miley Cyrus from the first half of her “history-making” performance at the MTV Video Music Awards, but she didn’t appear to have a Robin Thicke with her. “That’s okay,” Paris probably responded. “I’ll just grind my ass on every guy here until I find one or six.”

Photo Credits: WENN.com

Paris Hilton Is So Natural In Front Of A Camera

By Travis October 24, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

Paris Hilton and her sister, the other one, met up for a little shopping in Hollywood yesterday, and I don’t like to throw around accusations at such well-respected celebrities, but I think she might have known the photographers were going to be there. Obviously, I just sound like some asshole crackpot conspiracy theorist right now, but the way she handled herself and posed almost seems like she’s done this before. But if she really wants to prove idiots like me wrong, she should randomly decide to hang out on some train tracks or underneath a giant piano that’s being held up by a small rope over the sidewalk, and then we can see how she spontaneously reacts to photographers.

Photo Credits: revolutionpix/WENN.com

Paris Hilton Doesn’t Want To Be Seen Simply As an Awesome DJ

By Lex October 21, 2013 @ 5:42 PM

Paris Hilton Picks Out A Pumpkin At Mr Bones' Pumpkin Patch In Los Angeles
I think DaVinci ran into this same problem. Am I a painter, a sculptor, an architect, a weapons designer? Same too now for the modern Renaissance woman, Paris Hilton. No, not a coke snorter and boutique shopper and lazy-eyed frenzied hummer giver. According to Paris herself:

I do so many things, I don’t consider myself a DJ. I’m a businesswoman, I’m a brand, I’m an artist, I’m a singer, I’m a designer.

Wow, she is a busy little beaver. All that in a five to ten hour work week.

DJing is something that I do because I love to party, love to make people dance, have fun, smile, have a good time and it’s something that I’m good at.

It’s true. I’ve seen Paris Hilton in person. She really does make people smile with her intense standoffishness, bodyguard, and omnipresent cell phone in her ear. It’s impossible not to feel giddy around the heiress. She’s like a walking tank of nitrous.

Here’s Paris Hilton at the pumpkin patch the celebrities all go to be photographed with their kids. Paris doesn’t have any children so she just showed off her tits. She is a brand.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, PCN, WENN

Paris Hilton Is Super Hip

By Lex October 16, 2013 @ 12:39 PM

Paris Hilton Poses For Terry Richardson In A Bandage Bikini
Nobody wants to be the last girl on the block to get goofy edgy photos from gayest straight photographer Terry Richardson. Paris Hilton dragged her lazy eye over to Terry’s studio, strapped on something idiotic looking and kitschy, and pretended to be one of the alt models and porn stars Terry typically shoots for fun. But try and she may, try as she might, cocaine habits and The Herp alone do not an avant-garde model make. It may be time for Paris to find self-worth in other accomplishments in her life, like her DJ business, or her merchandising ventures, or double cornholing with Marvin Davis’ grandkids.

Photo Credit: Terry Richardson