Paris Hilton’s Breasts Will Save Haiti

By Travis January 13, 2014 @ 10:00 AM

Despite the fact that this weekend was supposed to be all about the biggest stars in Hollywood and the hard work they put into the TV shows and movies that are honored at the Golden Globes by people who love having their asses kissed, a lot of really big stars took some time to give back on Saturday, as they attended Sean Penn’s third annual Help Haiti Home Gala in Beverly Hills. There was no greater star in attendance than Paris Hilton, though, as the world’s most talented and successful DJ hit up the red carpet and arched her back so people were tricked into believing she has large breasts. Unfortunately, Pam Anderson soon walked by, causing the photographers to ask, “Hey, who’s that boy with the long blonde hair in the pink dress again?”

Photo Credits: FayesVision/Guillermo Proano/

Paris Hilton Pressed Play On Her Laptop For New Year’s Eve

By Travis January 02, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

Because people are stupid, Paris Hilton was greeted by a bunch of her fans when she arrived at the Hyde Bellagio on Tuesday night to continue to pretend that she’s a DJ for a New Year’s Eve party. It’s absolutely amazing that Paris is reportedly one of the highest paid DJs in the world, because not only does she seem like the kind of person who would be confused by the simplest buttons on her iTunes control panel, but her own music is the stuff that nightmares are made of. Normally, I’d ask that we all pledge to make 2014 the year that we push Paris and other similar celebrities into irrelevance, but I have a feeling that she’ll only keep playing tired ass techno music until she’s eventually welcoming Prime Minister Justin Bieber at his swearing in.

Photo Credits: DJDM/Judy Eddy/

Paris Hilton Claims to Be One of the Highest Paid DJs in the World

By Lex December 26, 2013 @ 5:29 PM

Paris Hilton preternaturally assumes the persona of the men she bangs. I’d call her a succubus but those underworld beings actually have to work a bit at their vile craft. Paris just squats atop and suddenly possesses all the skills, talents and viruses of her latest conquest. She banged a race car driver, next thing you know, she’s running a race car team in Spain. She rode a coke dealer, next thing you know she’s getting her dad to pay her high school to give her a diploma. A couple years ago she was boinking DJ AfroJack, and, blammo, Paris took on all the acumen of a world class DJ. This would include pushing buttons, fist pumping, and being able to stay up late. Now Paris Hilton claims she’s one of the five highest paid DJs in the world. It’d be easy to say this is just another empty assertion from a mildly-retarded girl whose mom consumed too much valium during fermentation. But it’s probably true. She’s raking in millions playing pre-programmed electronic dance music to hordes of young people who’ve ripped off their department store name tags to let loose one memorable evening at some club where they have a bubble machine. Men who wear silk shirts need a place to let it all hang out, and Paris is right there to gobble up their hangings. You could bitch and moan. But fuck you, stop hating democracy.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Paris Hilton Misses Paul Walker More Than You

By Lex December 09, 2013 @ 3:35 PM

Paris Hilton once imagined her drug dealer was Paul Walker while she threw him a short-on-cash bone, so don’t tell her she’s not feeling as crushed as Tyrese Gibson or Paul Walker’s kid or NBC/Universal this week. When an airplane banner flew over the Paul Walker memorial tribute in Santa Clarita over the weekend, the entire crowd stopped to remind themselves how they need to bake some pies and head over to Paris’ house. Paris would naturally order her guards to beat the well-wishers into the pavement, but everybody would know deep down she was thankful for the gesture. Hang in there, Paris. Don’t do anything stupid. Like hiring a plane to fly your name over Paul Walker’s memorial.

Photo credit: Splash News

Paris Hilton Did Not Mistake Mandela For MLK

By Jack December 06, 2013 @ 4:42 PM

Hotel heiress and race relations scholar Paris Hilton caught a whole lot of shit yesterday for a tweet wherein she mistook Nelson Mandela for Martin Luther King. After the South African civil rights leader passed away yesterday, celebs took to twitter to offer condolence and fawn over Mandela after their publicists reminded them who Mandela was. Paris was on a plane at the time and it looks like the tweet was a fake. The Tweet was posted under her name by an account called @deletedtweets:

“RIP Nelson Mandela. Your ‘I Have A Dream’ speech was so inspiring. Amazing man.”

It’s pretty silly to imagine that somebody who fucked their teachers all the way up to a high school degree wouldn’t know the difference between the two civil rights leaders. In the very least, she knows MLK’s birthday as that’s the day every year when she reminds her fans how gross black dudes are.

Buy Paris Hilton’s Handbag Or She’ll Kiss You on the Lips

By Lex December 03, 2013 @ 4:15 PM

Paris Hilton Gets In A Bikini To Promote Her Handbag Line
If you’ve got nothing planned for this week’s paycheck, why not get yourself a Paris Hilton handbag. It’s perfect for the shingles-ridden socialite on the go. Fur lined pouches for keeping your Valaciclovir warm and secret compartments for stashing your cocaine guaranteed to get you past most European customs officials provided you fly private jet. It also has the word Rouge written on it both forward and backwards, which is some pretty advanced graphics that not just any preteen Indonesian factory girl can sew. Ask yourself this: what have I done lately to make Paris Hilton money? Exactly. Get on this shit.

Photo Credit: Paris Hilton/Instagram