By Lex June 30, 2014 @ 5:00 PM
The BET people really need to work on their pro forma white invites. I understand you’re black entertainment for everybody, including wealthy white heiresses with hot new house music singles tracking in Qatar. But maybe you don’t pick the girl with the racist background as your token blond. You couldn’t land a Michael Bolton or maybe Leslie Mann and her gimp? Just some cracker to show you care about all God’s creatures. Do you realize how many Hollywood whiteys would jump at the chance to be marginalized for this noble cause? Consider me disappointed. I can’t even see Paris’ nipples.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, FameFlynet, Getty
By Lex June 26, 2014 @ 1:45 PM
It’s easy to forget that Paris Hilton is a significant music artist in countries where they still burn goats to make it rain. I was pretty convinced she’d never cut it in the rough U.S. market until I saw that the people who make the hair for Madame Tussaud’s figured out a super natural looking wig for Paris that subtly covers up her lazy eye. Paris Hilton has a musical story to tell. It’s buried deep inside, tucked in next to the bag of ye-yo she keeps stored in the upper left ventricle of her four chamber snatch. That music needs to come out. If you stare at her panties and concentrate, maybe you won’t notice how truly fucking horrible it is.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News
By Lex June 11, 2014 @ 12:10 PM
Under new ownership, Maxim magazine continues its on-again off-again tradition of inviting really good looking foreign models to its Maxim Hot 100 celebration. Last year saw the Miley Cyrus incident that cost the waning periodical its nut sack in pride. They seem to have righted their ship this year by bringing out girls who have a better understanding of how to put on lipstick. These are the girls who were told as far back as they can remember how pretty they were, because they were, not because they had a kids TV show that was paying for all the Range Rovers in the family.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Travis May 21, 2014 @ 9:00 AM
In an ongoing effort to show us what a joke of a shitshow the Cannes Film Festival has become, not only has Paris Hilton been pretending she’s still a DJ at clubs in the city, but now the boy who couldn’t ever wear a shirt, Justin Bieber, has brought his saggy jeans and tough guy routine to a once-reputable celebration of the movie industry as well. On Sunday night, Justin hit the Gotha night club, where Paris was being paid to keep a lazy eye on her iTunes playlist while she sat in an exclusive VIP area and yelled at people who tried to take pictures. Paris reportedly gave Justin a lap dance at her table, because she’s a respected businesswoman who has really grown and matured as a global entrepreneur.
And if that wasn’t random enough, Justin then met up with Wesley Snipes in the strange video above, and if Blade wanted a way to launch a real comeback as a Hollywood action hero now that he’s out of prison, beating the piss out of Justin might have had him at the front row of the Oscars for the rest of his life. Missed opportunities, Wesley.
By Travis May 14, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
Because someone needs a DJ for their meaningless after party or a really old, rich guy wants to overpay for sex, Paris Hilton has been bragging that she’s heading to the Cannes Film Festival again, and it’s certainly not because she’s actually supposed to be there. She also bragged about how she’s going to have a photo shoot with Ellen von Unwerth, who Paris claims takes the sexiest pictures of her. That’s a pretty bold claim, seeing as we’ve already seen Paris’s breasts and vagina on a number of occasions, and we’ve even watched her suck a douchebag’s dick through night vision, so unless she means that Ellen is going to take pictures of her being fed to bears, I’m not sure there’s a sexy photo of Paris left to take.
Photo Credits: Paris Hilton Instagram
By Lex May 05, 2014 @ 2:02 PM
The further she slides into herpetic dementia, the less likely anybody is to tell Paris Hilton she’s not really a DJ, or an actress or a race car driver or a noted industrialist or even a particularly strong model. She’s like an elderly vet reliving his time nailing French girls after the liberation. Who’s going to tell him to stop humping the dirty linens at the retirement center? Paris Hilton hasn’t really ever served her country, but we’ve all sort of agreed that the feeble minded ought be treated with kid gloves. Better she can dress up in leather and press a couple buttons than allowing her to roam the streets at night searching for her kitty who went missing twenty-five years ago. The measure of a civilized society is how kindly we treat our rich and stupid.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI