Patrick Schwarzenegger and Bella Thorne Evening Out

By Lex April 10, 2015 @ 8:55 AM

Bella Thorne And Patrick Schwarzenegger Go To Dinner
Bella Thorne, who is either seventeen or thirty-five depending on how you read her jimmied up Hawaiian birth certificate, is the latest chick to be out to dinner with the Patrick Schwarzengger. The lithesome USC undergrad is supposed to be sworn in body and bacterial stew to Miley Cyrus but he seems to be captured routinely in photos out with other women. It’s possible these two socially evolved millennials have an open relationship and understand that fucking other people is the key to happiness with one another. Some dude invented that ruse generations ago and it’s still going strong. Every time Schwarzenegger doinks a girl hotter than you, it only brings him closer to you. Have somebody produce a song for you about heartache. The truth of your situation will hit you halfway through your cover. That’s how you win an iHeart Radio Award, sweetheart.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Miley’s Fans Threaten Every Girl Patrick Schwarzenegger Has Ever Touched

By Lex March 20, 2015 @ 10:47 AM

Mileys Fans Attacks Taylor Burns
Patrick Schwarzenegger doesn’t look much like his dad, maybe if his dad had taken multivitamins and tap classes instead of steroid doping and military presses. Still, you’d best look out for a dude whose dad fucked everything with a heartbeat and a hairnet during his marriage to mom. Earlier this week, the Schwarzenegger kid who is doing ‘some USC’ hit Cabo San Lucas with his fraternity brothers for a break from being young and rich in Los Angeles. They brought along the Kappa Kappa Kappas, because they’re down to fuck. Nobody wanted to say it, but there it is. One of the sorority sisters put her arms around Patrick in photos that became public and sent the army of Miley Cyrus supporters into a fucking frenzy. Miley got wasted and posted something on Instagram akin to her scoliosis illiterate masterwork:

a most biewteous thang in da whole wide world iz friendship yiew choose dem outta all da billion trillion and beyond dey are da onez dat days seem toooo short with…Yiew wish dey could just go on foreva (that’s why sometimes yiew skip da sleepin part) i am layin in da gra$$ lookin up at all da clouds and tryin to even get a lil solaaaa gaze action jusss bein still … & bein thankful. biewty is all around us and we izzzz so lucky to be on dis planet. (I mean seriously wtf are the chances we all meet da onez we love) Feeling supaaaa blisssssed or maybe I’m juzzzz stone.

Yeah, maybe juzzz stone. Scwhwarzenegger had to make bogus apologies to the world and talk about never hurting the beautiful girl he loves. Which I presume is Miley. That one was confusing. It was about this time more photos emerged, as photos do, of Schwarzengger in Cabo getting sunscreened by his ex-girlfriend, Taylor Burns. That is a bit more suspicious. The gloves went off for the various unhealthy teen girls who live through Miley Cyrus who took to social media to call Burns a stinking ugly whore with a pig vagina. I added that last part for emphasis. For his part, Curt Schilling has remained remarkably quiet because Twitter is only horrible when men say nasty shit. In the end, what have we learned? It’s getting a whole lot harder to cheat on your girlfriend then it used to. That’s honestly all I took away from this.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Patrick Schwarenegger Playing the Vagina Field And Shit Around The Web

By Jack March 16, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Patrick Schwarzenegger might be stepping out on Miley Cyrus. He was spotted getting intimate with some random party chick in Cabo. It’s possible the couple have a hall pass relationship, with Schwarzenegger choosing ‘girls who don’t look like marmosets’ for his catch-all pass.

Check out Patrick’s new lay. (TMZ)

Everyone loves a hot girl in red lipstick. (The Chive)

Metisha Schaefer shows off her thong-covered booty. (Egotastic)

Kate Hudson bikinis in Malibu with Mr. Coldplay. (Huffington Post)

Charlie Riina is covered topless and it is awesome. (Drunken Stepfather)

Kat Torres takes a beach shower in a bikini. (Hollywood Tuna)

Jessica Alba wears a see-through white dress and shows us her bra. (Popoholic)

The Haunting Patrick Schwarzenegger Tattoo

By Lex January 27, 2015 @ 1:23 PM

Patrick-Schwarzenegger-Tattoo

I lost track of Miley Cyrus’ tits like ten tits ago. But that Arnold Maria crucifix tattoo on the side of Patrick Schwarzenegger continues to vex me. When you’re a celebrity kid who sort of acts and attends ‘some USC’, your main job is not to get DUIs or stupid fucking tattoos. Nobody ever listens. Getting the first names of your cheating divorced parents crossworded into the sign of the cross on your body seems pretty horrible. It might just eclipse the matching NSFW tattoos you and your girlfriend keep telling the press you got etched on your respective penises. If I was Maria Shriver, every time I saw that tattoo on my son, I’d think about my husband fucking a baby into the chubby cleaning lady. If I were Arnold, I’d think about fucking Miley in the ass in front of my son and making him cry. That’s just how I’d think. If somebody is Catholic and this makes sense on some liturgical level, write me a foul message and tell me how the murderous albino monk is coming for me. I’m ready to die. I’ve seen Cats.

Photo credit: FameFlynet/SplashNews/AKM-GSI

Miley Cyrus Topless With Patrick Schwarzenegger

By Lex January 26, 2015 @ 9:23 PM

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I’m not coming to bury Miley Cyrus. I’m coming to praise her. Not her twink body and the excessive tats or how she used black magic to make Maxim designate her the best looking woman in the universe and slit their own throats in the process. Not her music or her stage show or the midgets or inflatable cocks or dead presidents or auto-tune or buck teeth or spastic limbs or hideous levels of corrupting the world’s children into believing self-expression means getting fucked up and sticking out your tongue. Not the drugs or the salvia or the booze or the incessant sexual liberation talk like she’s the first girl to ever discover dick. Not her stage family or the one hit dad or the other siblings and half siblings who live of her teat. Not grinding Schwarzenegger’s kid into believing this is better than boning hot models or flashing her vagina like an ISIS jihadi waves his Kalashnikov in YouTube videos. This is my power. None of that is really praise worthy. But what you can say about Miley Cyrus. She truly does not give a fuck. That is beyond rare in Hollywood. She’s a fucking unicorn. With boy unicorn tits.

Photo credit: FameFlynet/SplashNews/AKM-GSI

Schwarzenegger’s Kid Promotes His Biz Well

By Matt December 31, 2014 @ 7:38 AM

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Patrick Schwarzenegger has been pounding Miley Cyrus for a while pro bono. At this point it makes sense to strap a billboard on her. Schwarz’s goblin headed mom has invested in an up and coming pizza chain called Blaze. This means he’s either snagging some of that money or just promoting it non stop so the shadow ops don’t have him disappeared. This chick is stoned enough she doesn’t know what she’s wearing. Tell her it’s Marc Jacobs or fucking Gallagher who smashes watermelons. Who cares. It’s also highly possible she’s just wearing the dunce hat and they’re all dividing the money in stacks near the pier. Regardless if you like Subway sandwiches but crave trans-fat definitely take Miley’s cue and check this place out. You’ll eat anything when you’re blazed as fuck.

Photo Credit: Instagram