The Haunting Patrick Schwarzenegger Tattoo

By Lex January 27, 2015 @ 1:23 PM

Patrick-Schwarzenegger-Tattoo

I lost track of Miley Cyrus’ tits like ten tits ago. But that Arnold Maria crucifix tattoo on the side of Patrick Schwarzenegger continues to vex me. When you’re a celebrity kid who sort of acts and attends ‘some USC’, your main job is not to get DUIs or stupid fucking tattoos. Nobody ever listens. Getting the first names of your cheating divorced parents crossworded into the sign of the cross on your body seems pretty horrible. It might just eclipse the matching NSFW tattoos you and your girlfriend keep telling the press you got etched on your respective penises. If I was Maria Shriver, every time I saw that tattoo on my son, I’d think about my husband fucking a baby into the chubby cleaning lady. If I were Arnold, I’d think about fucking Miley in the ass in front of my son and making him cry. That’s just how I’d think. If somebody is Catholic and this makes sense on some liturgical level, write me a foul message and tell me how the murderous albino monk is coming for me. I’m ready to die. I’ve seen Cats.

Photo credit: FameFlynet/SplashNews/AKM-GSI

Miley Cyrus Topless With Patrick Schwarzenegger

By Lex January 26, 2015 @ 9:23 PM

Miley-Cyrus-Topless-With-Patrick-Schwarzenegger-lb

I’m not coming to bury Miley Cyrus. I’m coming to praise her. Not her twink body and the excessive tats or how she used black magic to make Maxim designate her the best looking woman in the universe and slit their own throats in the process. Not her music or her stage show or the midgets or inflatable cocks or dead presidents or auto-tune or buck teeth or spastic limbs or hideous levels of corrupting the world’s children into believing self-expression means getting fucked up and sticking out your tongue. Not the drugs or the salvia or the booze or the incessant sexual liberation talk like she’s the first girl to ever discover dick. Not her stage family or the one hit dad or the other siblings and half siblings who live of her teat. Not grinding Schwarzenegger’s kid into believing this is better than boning hot models or flashing her vagina like an ISIS jihadi waves his Kalashnikov in YouTube videos. This is my power. None of that is really praise worthy. But what you can say about Miley Cyrus. She truly does not give a fuck. That is beyond rare in Hollywood. She’s a fucking unicorn. With boy unicorn tits.

Photo credit: FameFlynet/SplashNews/AKM-GSI

Schwarzenegger’s Kid Promotes His Biz Well

By Matt December 31, 2014 @ 7:38 AM

MC

Patrick Schwarzenegger has been pounding Miley Cyrus for a while pro bono. At this point it makes sense to strap a billboard on her. Schwarz’s goblin headed mom has invested in an up and coming pizza chain called Blaze. This means he’s either snagging some of that money or just promoting it non stop so the shadow ops don’t have him disappeared. This chick is stoned enough she doesn’t know what she’s wearing. Tell her it’s Marc Jacobs or fucking Gallagher who smashes watermelons. Who cares. It’s also highly possible she’s just wearing the dunce hat and they’re all dividing the money in stacks near the pier. Regardless if you like Subway sandwiches but crave trans-fat definitely take Miley’s cue and check this place out. You’ll eat anything when you’re blazed as fuck.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Maria Shriver Is Anti Miley Cyrus

By Matt December 11, 2014 @ 8:08 AM

Cyrus

Maria Shriver reportedly disapproves of her potentially legitimate child Patrick Schwarzenegger dating Miley Cyrus because she’s best known for getting wasted and having midgets spread her ass cheeks for screaming teens and naughty Hungarian men who remember strip clubs under Communist rule. Shriver reportedly cancelled her trip to Art Basel in Miami when she found out Cyrus would be there with her son smoking a joint in pasties and drinking herself into a full Cosby ready stupor. Shriver is a real stickler for character. That’s why she married a dude with a dozen credible sexual harassment suits on file who liked to fuck things that moved within in his sightline. Its unclear if Patrick gives a shit what his perma-scowl faced mother thinks, since it is unclear whether his trust fund has kicked in or not. Based on who he’s bringing to Christmas Dinner I’d say probably yes.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Miley Cyrus Handles Her Schwarzenegger

By Lex December 08, 2014 @ 11:37 AM

Miley Cyrus And Patrick Schwarzenegger Go Jet Skiiing In Miami
Miley Cyrus finally found a fella that makes her smile even when she’s morning almost sober. You can’t really do better than a Schwarzengger. The way Maria and Arnold banged the shit out of everybody but each other for thirty years, it’s hard to declare his lineage with any certainty, but I bet he’s hoping his dad’s a foreign diplomat with real hair, not the incoherent roid bastard who cold porked the maid. Those are some heavy emotions. The kind that can only be assuaged as a randy platypus with her own daddy issues fondles your balls from the back of your Jet-Ski. Watching two young adults who hate their parents fuck each other’s brains out still makes me tear up.

Photo Credit: INF

Patrick Schwarzenegger Rides a Giant Pool Sweep

By Lex June 17, 2013 @ 6:00 PM

Patrick Schwarzenegger Rides A Flyboard While Vacationing In France

Patrick Schwarzenegger is the heir apparent to dear old dad. He’s already boning hot models, runs a couple stupid rich kid businesses, and can give one hell of a speech about philanthropy while doing so. While the rest of the family seems shattered and getting made fat by the unshocking revelation of Arnold banging a baby into the housemaid, Patrick seems to be enjoying the hell out of himself off in St. Tropez. He’s got his father’s survival skills. Just keep on fucking and smiling no matter what’s going on around you. In terms of dickish qualities, it’s almost admirable.

Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin