Robin Thicke has spent the better part of the past four months singing love songs to Paula Patton who left him because he dry humped Miley Cyrus on camera then started sleeping with the couple’s joint masseuse off camera. There were probably other issues as well, like Robin wearing vests and sunglasses for no obvious reason. Ever since the breakup Robin’s been living the extended version of John Cusack in Say Anything except that he’s hoisting the boom box blasting his own crappy love songs. Every awards show or appearance is another opportunity for Robin to beg his wife to take him back. Robin’s composed so many new doleful ballads, he’s putting out an entire album next week cleverly titled, ‘Paula’. I’d like to think this is some cynical genius marketing ploy to sell fourteen new sorrowful tracks to chubby women who take long baths, but that’s only because I inherently refuse to believe any man can be such a pussy. At some point, Robin will be arrested for crooning love songs while sniffing his wife’s panties out of the hamper in the house he broke into. Until then, expect a new album of love-loss every four to six weeks.
Ever since Paula Patton dumped his ass for cheating on her after “Blurred Lines” became a huge hit and made him think that he was a god, Robin Thicke has vowed that he’d win his wife back, no matter what it takes. That’s why he used the Billboard Music Awards last night as his grand platform to apologize and grovel, as he not only singled her out when he accepted his Best R&B Song award, but he also performed his new single, “Get Her Back”, just for Paula. And then the apologies probably continued after the show, when he dedicated the sex that he was about to have with two random fans at the show to Paula, before calling her to scream out her name in the middle of climax so that she could hear firsthand just how sorry he really is.
Ever since Paula Patton split from Robin Thicke in February, because he couldn’t keep his dick in his pants after the success of that song he ripped off from Marvin Gaye, the singer has vowed to win her back by whining about how much he loves her every time someone points a camera at him. He did it right after the split (above), and now he’s going to do it on Sunday in front of a huge audience at the Billboard Music Awards, when he performs his new single, “Get Her Back.” Among the lines in the song are “All I wanna do is make it right” and “I should’ve kissed you longer,” and hopefully Patton offers her response in the form of a role in a new movie called Go Stick Your Dick in Miley’s Crack Again, Shithead.
When dudes get divorced they start working out with trainers at the gym and buying expensive jeans. Women can just show off their tits. Advantage women. While Robin Thicke continues to mope at his concert stops about how much he hopes to get his baby mama back, Paula is showing off her yabbos in Vanity Fair. Robin Thicke will chalk up more lays, but he’ll end up snotting into the hanky about the few big ones Paula lands.
Photo Credit: Vanity Fair
The sum total of my relationship advice boils down to one simple phrase: fuck one person at a time. Most every cataclysmic death of an intimate relationship occurs because somebody had to start fucking outside the box. You can use all the modern day polyamory mumbo jumbo you want, when knocking boots starts involving more than two people, it’s going to end up with somebody crying and talking to a lawyer. Star magazine is now reporting that Paula Patton split with Robin Thicke because he was boning their threesome girl as just a twosome. The third wheel, known only as the mysterious ‘Jasmine the masseuse’ got into the bedroom mix with Paula and Robin after Robin said quite innocently one day, ‘Hey, honey, I know how to keep our marriage strong…’. He then produced the masseuse with a Cheshire grin and declared that her vagina was a present for the both of them. You might as well start the countdown clock then for when that marriage was going to end. I realize swinging works out okay for some fat couples in their 50′s in Orange County who can’t stand mounting each other’s jiggling folds any longer. But it’s not going to hold for people with decent options. Paula Patton is a good looking lady who makes money and movies with Denzel Washington. She doesn’t need to watch some chick named Jasmine teabagging her husband in his sunglasses to make her marriage work. And, you, toolbag, Robin Thicke. You don’t have to be married. By some fortune of God you’ve fallen into a position of being able to bone tons of super hot girls. Go do that. Bless you. Stop with the polyamorous open relationship marriage bulllshit. Nobody needs that.
Robin Thicke is trying everything he can think of to get Paula Patton to take him back. He’s apparently sending thousands of dollars worth of flowers to her house because he saw that work in a movie once. I think it was Pretty Woman and she was a whore. He’s also now moping on stage during his concerts, hoping the obese suburban moms that comprise his audience will form a tubby coven and conjure his woman back to him. We told you about how the rift between the sexiest couple to come out of Canada since Terence and Philip began when Miley Cyrus dry humped Robin on stage at the VMAs. What his desperation tells me is that he did more than shtick with Miley to get kicked out of the house. Maybe a better approach is to play it cool instead of looking like a desperate d-bag. Women can smell weakness and desperation, especially a woman like Paula Patton who has plenty of options. Next batch of flowers, include a note, ‘Hey, Candy, I just checked my dick, your ass is officially 98.6 degrees. Then let Paula take in the Grand Canyon of a loss she’s just suffered. I’ve got lots of great ideas like that.