By Matt August 26, 2015 @ 7:21 AM
Paulina Gretzky is as close to being a theoretical ten as is humanly possible. Like Icarus, that’s flying too close to the sun. You don’t want to date these chicks. They’ve never paid for anything once. In fact they consider you lucky to be buying them shit. Gretzky appears to be at least mildly interested in supporting herself as she’s shilling some sort of disgusting juice product which looks so vile you wouldn’t even want to see it running down the crack of her ass. Having the name Gretzky takes a point off. Other than that, model the fuck bots after this chick. She’s married? My dick doesn’t seem to care.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex June 18, 2015 @ 9:31 AM
Paulina Gretzky pretended to post a bikini picture of her post pregnancy body completely innocuously, though obviously it was an attempt to body shame millions of women who reward themselves with cheesecake bites. Gretzky looks good. Almost like a woman who has spent the six months since childbirth doing little more than drinking pressed juice and visiting day spas where ladies with club feet gently buff her labia with pumice. Attractive women who share their bodies freely deserve better lives. Someday she’ll look back on her braggart social media posts and feel even better about herself. Your nasty comments only make her moist. Follow Kelly Clarkson and call her relatable. Paulina Gretzky isn’t looking for friends.
Photo credit: Instagram
By Lex August 07, 2014 @ 2:01 PM
It’s refreshing in these times of Sodom to see a dad unapologetically demanding his future son-in-law live up to certain levels of decorum. If you want to marry my ass-Instagramming daughter, you will not be fucking other men’s wives, snorting coke, or drinking daily before 2pm. That’s a high price as Wayne Gretzky just redlined Dustin Johnson’s top three hobbies. Addicts tend to be pragmatic though and Dustin doesn’t need a fat psychic to tell him there’s a solid chance he’ll be living off Gretzky cash someday soon. Also, he doesn’t have a lot of friends to turn to these days as he’s kind of been nailing all their wives. That’s not quite as bad as not paying off your golf bets, but close.
It’s probably not easy being the dad of a girl whose primary talents are catching a lit cigarette between her tits and acid washing her panties. You want to get the dim-witted duckling in your brood settled down in a safe nest somewhere. If Gretzky were really old school, he’d pull out Old Canadian common law and force his daughter to marry an ice trucker in the Northwest Territories and make many babies. But then her Instagram followers would probably beat him to death with his own hockey stick. I’d be at the front of that pack.
Photo Credit: Paulina Gretzky/Instagram
By Lex April 17, 2014 @ 10:31 AM
People who take golf super seriously are expressing concern over Paulina Gretzky raking in the cover of Golf Digest magazine. It’s supposed to be a serious periodical spanning the world of golf. People who subscribe believe that golf is a sport, as opposed to a game played largely by fat men in tan slacks. Paulina Gretzky doesn’t play the game. She’s just pretty fucking hot and getting married to a dude who does. A gaggle of talented lesbian pro golfers are wondering why they can’t earn a cover. People who follow magazines get pretty fucking sensitive about their covers. Vogue readers were pissed when Kim Kardashian shat herself onto the cover of their fashion bible. Readers were irate when the surviving Boston marathon bomber was shown looking supercool on the cover of Rolling Stone. And some impulsive folks start fires in the streets when they see black people on any cover. The magazines I get mostly feature good looking girls. I canceled my subscription to Maxim when Miley earned their sexiest girl in the universe spot. I stand on some principle. I don’t feel the rage over Paulina Gretzky and her tits being the face of Golf Digest. If she took off her top and pleasured herself with a putter, I’d probably get a three year subscription.
Photo Credit: Golf Digest
By Lex January 07, 2014 @ 1:37 PM
I’m getting kind of misty here. It seems like just yesterday I was masturbating to Paulina’s mom. Now, here I am imagining the daughter. Just like her mom, Paulina isn’t waiting around to nab a professional athlete to marry. It’s like a running back jumping on the biggest guaranteed contract dollars knowing those knees won’t hold out forever. Lock it down when everybody wants you and you won’t be working as an Indian reservation casino greeter someday. It’ll be a few years before her fiancé Dustin Johnson completely understands why a guy like Tiger would bang any and all women other than his hot blond wife. But a fun few years.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex November 08, 2013 @ 2:38 PM
We can’t actually share any Maxim photos, it’s a copyright violation of their industrial use of Photoshopping or something like that. But suffice it to say Wayne Gretzky’s hot daughter made the cover of the struggling men’s magazine. In the same week, she also lit her sweater on fire at a bar by accident. I know what you’re thinking, and don’t worry, her boobs are okay. The very next day Paulina was back at work not doing the job she will never have.
Here’s a bunch of photos of Paulina showing off on Instagram. Obviously, they have nothing on glossy, over-manufactured and heavily touched up photos, but deal with it.
Photo Credit: Paulina Gretzky/Instagram