Peaches Geldof Home Was a Heroin Den

By Lex July 24, 2014 @ 12:51 PM


According to the final inquest into the death of Peaches Geldof, the ridiculously polite British investigators determined that Peaches Geldof died of heroin overdose. Part of this finding was related to the heroin needle found in her lifeless hand, the heroin in the tin next to her bed, the heroin found stashed in every room of the house, the needles and burn spoons motif of the country home, her history of heroin addiction, and the giant sign over her front door which read, You’ll Take Away My Heroin When You Pry It From My Cold Dead Hands. Police also noted that Peaches kept heroin in a candy box on the nightstand, a practice highly recommended by pediatricians for the heroin addict with young children in the home.

You may recall that at the time of her death nobody in the proper press was willing to suggest that Peaches Geldof deceased herself with the needle. All that don’t rush to judgement nonsense that people who don’t like to think unpleasant thoughts like to chant. Perhaps she died of a fallen chandelier or fell bravely during an Afghani mission in the night and found her way home to Britain by morn. Nope. It turns out most heroin addicts die from heroin. I prefer to rush to judgement. Then I get there first.

Twas Heroin That Felled Peaches Geldof

By Lex May 01, 2014 @ 3:25 PM

Peaches Geldof was found dead in her home a few weeks ago, an otherwise perfectly healthy 20-something mom with no clues save for her strongly rumored acquaintance with drugs and a mother who died herself at 40 from heroin overdose. News reports had to call it s sad mystery and under investigation and refused to speculate on what everybody knew to be true. Somewhere between refusing to state the obvious and simply stating the completely unfounded, there’s some happy middle ground nobody in print or TV journalism seems to want to find. I’m not sure why the mainstream media are such utter pussies, but it probably is playing some factor in their demise. Oh, yes, please, I’d like a subscription for three more years to Politically Correct Pussy News. Can your Megan’s Law driver please throw that rag in the only wet spot in my driveway. Anyhow, surprise, it was heroin for the mom of two little kids. Technically, they’re saying, heroin ‘played a role’ in her death. You know, like the bus played a part in your death when it hit you at 40mph. More couching. Let it go. She was an adult. She did deadly drugs. She’s dead. Report the fucking news and tell us where the best yard sales are this weekend.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Peaches Geldof Is Dead But Don’t Say Why

By Lex April 07, 2014 @ 7:51 PM

When did we decide that assuming is such a horrible offense? I know, assuming makes an ass out of you and me. Or, it makes me figure shit out ten times faster than you and be right nine times out of ten. It’s part of the brain function of humans that allows us to react faster to situations presented to us than the animals we keep as pets or boil for dinner. People who keep an open mind are kind, gentle, benevolent creatures who come in last place in everything. You want Columbo to figure shit out in an hour or you want him to spend eight weeks following up on stuff he knows is a waste of time? This is the kind of thinking that gets granny genital pat downs at LAX.

Bob Geldof’s model and TV host daughter Peaches died early this morning but we’re not supposed to say why. This is one of those media contrivances when young public figures previously involved with drugs die and we pretend that maybe it was a sudden onset of Lyme disease caught hiking on a date. We don’t want to assume. Philip Seymour Hoffman could’ve been hit by a bus, in his apartment bathtub with the needles. Maybe Dead Cory Monteith choked to death on his own spit while trying to a capella any Kate Bush song in his Vancouver hotel room. I understand telling kids that their old dog went to live on a farm and telling all service members’ families that their loved one died a hero. Because children don’t process like adults and because people who serve others deserve that blanket respect. But young celebrities with drug histories and heroin overdosed moms who drop dead themselves suddenly in the quiet alone of their homes or hotel rooms, let’s just go ahead and call that drug related. It’s horrible and sad but saying she went to go live on a farm seems a bit silly for grown ups to tell each other. If you assume wrong, later on, you say I’m sorry, but I think you can understand why I thought it was drugs. And the other person will honestly reply back, I know, we all did. And then we’ll all work together to find the space alien with the ray gun that really killed Peaches Geldof.