By Lex January 20, 2016 @ 12:43 PM
I can tell you who’s going to win the Oscars this year. Whitey white white and the Klan brothers. Next year, count on Penelope Cruz. After forty movies where she’s topless and giddy, now she’s topless and gets breast cancer in the film Ma Ma. People seem to be having a huge problem figuring out the recipe for success at the Oscars. Here’s a hint. Breast cancer. Cut to camera two, close-on Angelina Jolie crying in the audience. Don’t forget to thank the great doctors. This is as real as you want it to be.
Photo Credit: “Ma Ma” Moreno Films
By Lex October 13, 2014 @ 12:56 PM
I didn’t think Penelope Cruz could get any more exciting than when she’s on her Pro Palestinian rants in European journals. I know it’s what George and Amal were perusing as they fucked each other silly blasting the yoke of Western capitalism on their honeymoon. But then Penelope showed off her tits for Esquire and I realized she had even more to give. She’s pretty fucking hot. I’d probably blow myself up at a West Bank Sbarro if she promised to give head to my dick when they found it. I’m not sure I’d attend one of her euro-Socialist cocktail parties, I’d have to have some limits. I fucking hate wine cocktails more than self-immolation.
Photo Credit: Esquire
Eva Longoria spent the 4th of July in Marbella, Spain, in a white bikini on a yacht with her boyfriend Eduardo Cruz (she’s 36 and he’s 25, btw). He’s Penelope Cruz’s little brother. He also seems a little dense. At one point Eva bent over with her legs straight and practically grabbed her ankles. And he just stood there like a jackass. Her vagina could have snapping jaws with razor sharp teeth in it and I still would have mounted that skinny bitch.
(image source = splash and bauer griffin)
By brendon February 24, 2011 @ 2:56 PM
It was less than a month ago that Penelope Cruz gave birth to a baby boy, the first child for her and husband Javier Bardem, and she hasn’t been seen much since, but yesterday she was at Jerry Bruckheimers office in Santa Monica, probably for something involving Pirates of the Caribbean 4, which he produced and she stars in.
Point being she has huge tits now, which is honestly the only redeeming thing about her considering she’s kind of goofy looking and I can never understand a god damn word she says. The movie might as well just have a dog bark at me.
(image source = fame)
By brendon January 26, 2011 @ 11:33 AM
SKINS – has now lost so many sponsors (Taco Bell, Wrigley, Subway, Foot Locker, L’Oreal and Shick) due to its subject matter, it’s now in danger of being canceled. Can’t they just get new sponsors? Sponsors who aren’t so uptight? Like tequila, or the morning after pill. Or a tequila with the morning after pill in it. (fox)
PENELOPE CRUZ AND JAVIER BARDEM – are now the parents of a baby boy, with Penelope giving birth the same day Javier was nominated for an Academy Award as Best Actor. Because of course she couldn’t let him be the center of attention for even 5 minutes. Selfish cunt. (huff post)
JESSE JAMES – is the subject of two more Nazi related pictures (as he was about a year ago), though these aren’t as bad. Or as good, depending on how you feel about Nazis. (us)
JOE MANGANIELLO – of True Blood is a leading candidate to play Superman in the reboot from producer Christopher Nolan and director Zach Snyder, and I’m sorry but no one named Joe Manganiello should be playing Superman. Or is part of the re-imagining to have a Superman who wears bronzer and “ice” in his ear, and instead of flying he drives a Mitsubishi Eclipse around. “Hey, hello, excuse me. I’m bein friggin Superman over here huh, so how about you show a little friggin respect.” (la times)
JAMIE CHUNG – stars in the upcoming Sucker Punch, and now she’s on the cover of Complex. I’ve said this a million times but Asian girls are just better than regular girls, in every way, at everything. And Jamie is a good example. If we ever had sex I would absolutely try to get her pregnant so she could never leave me. (complex)
By brendon July 14, 2010 @ 11:23 AM
RIHANNA AND CHRIS BROWN - might be reconciling. “It’s been almost a year since they last spoke, but Rihanna felt like she could try to be friends with Chris again. Seeing how emotional he was [at the BET Awards] really touched her. She’d never seen him like that before.” Well then I guess he’s changed. Punching girls in the face was probably just a fad he went through, like snap bracelets or acid wash. (celebuzz)
KATE GOSSELIN - sounds so delusional I can’t tell if she’s being sarcastic. On the topic of dating again, a source says, “Kate’s confidence is amazing. She thinks she is a fantastic catch. Not only does she think she has never looked better, Kate also now has a ton of money. As far as she’s concerned, there is nothing not to like. She’s beautiful, rich and thinks of herself as very easy to get along with.” Nothing not to like? How about a vagina that probably looks like something hanging out of a buzzards mouth because more kids have passed through it than the gates at Disneyland. (popeater)
PENELOPE CRUZ AND JAVIER BARDEM - secretly got married earlier this month in the Bahamas after dating for the past 3 years. The story would have broken sooner but these two are so god damned dull everyone kept falling asleep when they tried to write it. (e!)
ANNALYNN MCCORD - went to the Hollywood premier of “Inception” last night in this awesome dress. And although she’s great she might want to avoid this color from now on. With the way her ribs stick out she looks like a sexy greyhound. (wenn, getty)