Perez Hilton Is America

By Lex December 04, 2013 @ 4:56 PM

Perez Hilton has a new reality show creatively called Gay Dads of New York. It’s being produced by the same people who make Keeping Up with the Kardashians, so you know it’s going to be completely unscripted and not the least bit trumped up creepy. The show is going to feature a number of larger than life gay dads including Perez Hilton, who according to Perez represent the new landscape of America:

What is your typical American family like? These days, it looks a lot like mine!

By typical, I think Perez means the infinitesimal percentage of family households in this country headed up by a single gay man. While even noted homophobe Alec Baldwin accepts Perez Hilton’s personal family values in 2013, Perez polling his four gay daddy friends leading fabulous lives in Manhattan as a random sample of America is a bit of a stretch. This sounds more like a TV project to get paid and to get laid. Nothing wrong with a little green and a little dick to keep daddy feeling warm through the winter.

Perez Hilton Continues Bitchy Feud With Lady Gaga

By Jack November 26, 2013 @ 3:02 PM

Penis drawing blogger Perez Hilton escalated his feud with fellow drag queen Lady Gaga on the Wendy Williams show this week. Hilton has been waging a bitchy slap fight with Gaga for over a year. The thing is that no one knows why. They used to be BFF’s, hanging out together and talking about wigs and glitter and why the world needs them now more than ever. Then, all of a sudden, Perez turned on Gaga like a gay pitbull on a cock steak. Williams asked Hilton about his feud and he cryptically said,

“She has a history of, and I don’t want to name names — she globs on to people, uses them and once they’re no longer of use to her will just throw them aside. That is what I’ve observed.”

Now that is just obscure bitchy. How can you talk about history with somebody nobody even in your ass-chaps underground knew about just four years ago. Are you suggesting that world famous entertainers don’t make great friends? Oh, nos Perez. Unsmiley face. Jesus, you’re 35. Despite your wishes upon every falling star, you’re not actually a middle school girl. Now, draw a penis on a picture of Lady Gaga where her penis used to be and put this gripe behind you.

No One Shows Up To Perez Hilton’s Pre-VMA Party

By Lex August 26, 2013 @ 7:31 PM

No One Shows Up To Perez Hilton's Pre-VMA Party In Brooklyn
A somewhat somber group of mostly itinerant hispters spread out around the lightly populated stage at Perez Hilton’s pre-VMA party. Many attributed the lack of attendance to the ongoing feud between the blogger and Lady Gaga, wherein the latter accused the former of being a bitchy, nasty, two-faced, stalker. But the few nearby college twinks who actually attended the event were quick to dismiss the Gaga feud notion and instead pointed out that the drinks sucked and the smiling gay bondage worker on stage was creeping even them out.

Photo Credit: Splash

Lady Gaga and Perez Hilton Having the Bitch Fight to End All Bitch Fights

By Lex August 19, 2013 @ 5:37 PM

Lady Gaga Greets Fans In A Black And White Outfit Leaving The Chateau Marmont In Los Angeles
Nobody knows how the war began, just that it’s been bloody. Well, not exactly bloody, but lame and retarded and taking place on social media, naturally. Apparently it all began early this year when Lady Gaga got a hip pointer injury from trying to go down on multiple Indigo Girls at the same time. Lady Gaga was forced into Gucci designer wheelchair and to cancel her tour. She claims Perez sent her a pictures of a wheelchair with the word ‘Karma’ written on it.

“Still have the text Perez sent me of me in a wheelchair w the words KARMA written across + Madonna pointing a gun at me. Day of my accident” — Lady Gaga on Twitter

That is kind of bitchy so it could easily be true. Then last week Gaga accused Perez Hilton of dumping on her record sales and trying to stalk her by looking to buy an apartment in her same building in New York without even telling her. That’s total New Jack.

@perezhilton STAY AWAY FROM ME + MY FAMILY YOU ARE SICK TRYING TO RENT AN APARTMENT IN MY BUILDING TO STALK ME. LEAVE ME ALONE!!!” — Lady Gaga on Twitter

Perez fired back with vague references to Lady Gaga being affected by drug and mental health issues.

@ladygaga I know you got treatment for your hip injury. Hopefully you got treatment for your other #issues too! I wish you health and peace. “– Perez Hilton on Twitter

Immediately, Lady Gaga’s trainable ‘little monsters’ went nuts and started writing nasty threatening letters to Perez who fired back by saying he feared for the safety of his young child, because that always works.

“I can’t sleep. I am literally sick to my stomach. Not playing any fucking games here. I am afraid for my fucking safety and that of my son.” — Perez Hilton on Twitter

Now the gay Hatfields and the gay McCoys are at a standstill. Nobody knows where the next barrage will come from. They only know it will be horribly and unnecessarily dramatic.

Here’s Lady Gaga looking like death just slightly little warmed over. Don’t think she doesn’t have her Tweet phone at the ready should shit go down.

Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, FameFlynet, WENN

Perez Hilton Birthed a Baby

By Johnny Redd March 04, 2013 @ 9:23 AM

I remember my sixth grade sex-ed teacher Mr. Crowley threatening the shit out of us boys for snickering when he coldly stated that babies come from men sticking their penises in women’s vaginas. I can only imagine the uproar if he announced that babies come from plugging a Duracell 9-volt up your shitter while day-dreaming about teabagging Channing Tatum. But, apparently that’s also true. Because Perez Hilton just announced he had a baby.

All the power to Perez. I bet Perez makes a great dad. He can probably nurse. Plus he taught us a brand new lesson about conception.

‘Fear Factor’ will be serving donkey semen

By brendon January 27, 2012 @ 11:06 AM

donkeys866

The middle, “disgusting food or drink” segment on this Mondays ‘Fear Factor’ will have the contestants drinking glasses of donkey semen, and NBC is so upset they threatened to stop the show.

Well, actually the show was filmed over the summer. It’s not like it’s live. Getting that much donkey semen on a live show would be tough on the farmers wrists. So really all NBC threatened to do was make people drink donkey semen for no reason.

We’re told the challenge involved teams of twins drinking the full glass of donkey semen — with a glass of urine thrown in for good measure. Contestants had to drain both glasses in order to move on to the next round.
Our sources say NBC execs had multiple pow-wows … but eventually gave the thumbs up.

On a somewhat related note, Perez Hilton now says he really really really wants to be on ‘Fear Factor’. “This way it will all be nice and legal,” he said, though I’m not sure what “it” refers to.

(“You know who isn’t upset about all this? The donkey who got jacked off until he filled three pitchers,” said the Army Donkey with a bullet-magnet slowly riding him through an open field. “Fuck my life,” he continued.)