By brendon April 14, 2008 @ 10:45 AM

Today, Us magazine breaks the story that Ashlee Simpson is pregnant.  Just last week it was announced that Ashlee is engaged.  What a coincidence!

The singer, 23, is expecting her first child with fiancé Pete Wentz, 28.
Simpson and the Fall Out Boy frontman announced their engagement Wednesday.
"We are thrilled to confirm their engagement and congratulate this happy couple," a spokesperson for the couple told Us. "Beyond that there is nothing to say."
Simpson's rep had no comment.

Aha.  So she's pregnant.  That’s why the rushed wedding.  Stuff like this is why you have to be careful.  Always use protection, and if you’re like me, always take a moment to lay the girls clothes out just as she had them on.  That way you can re-dress her before she wakes up and no one is the wiser.  And that's your Monday, Key To Success!


By brendon April 10, 2008 @ 6:30 AM

Way back in February there was a post on here, thanks to video by Redban, showing Ashlee Simpson wearing an engagement ring, and now the master of deception has finally come clean and admitted that she and Pete Wentz are engaged.  Ashlee says…

"We know there has been a lot of speculation recently about Pete and I, and we wanted our fans to be the first to know, because you guys are the best," Simpson said in a statement posted on "Yes, we are thrilled to share that we are happily engaged. Thank you for all of your support and well wishes – it means the world to us. We consider this to be a very private matter, and we wanted to be the first to tell you and to hear it straight from us."

Honest to god, would you rather be locked in a room with Alien, Frankenstein with an axe, or Ashlee Simpson.  I don’t know for sure why Pete Wentz (who could nail 17-year-old-groupie-ass every single night) is doing this, but I’m pretty sure it has something to do with being dumb.


By brendon March 19, 2008 @ 2:10 PM

Us magazine says that Pete Wentz used to be so "completely lost and out of control" he even attempted to kill himself once.  Nobody likes a quitter Pete.

Wentz, 28, says he had seen several doctors who gave him prescription drugs but things worsened around the time his band had finished recording their major label record a few years ago.
"I got in my car. I remember I was listening to Jeff Buckley doing Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" and sat there and took a bunch of [anxiety drug] Ativan in a Best Buy parking lot," Wentz says in a video for MTV's college channel MTVU.
"And I called up my manager because I was, at that point, completely out of my head with Ativan. And I was talking to him and I was slurring my words, so he called my mom and my mom called me and she came and got me and we went to the hospital."

First of all, this doesn't even count because that GD song will make anyone kill themselves.  It could be on while puppies licked your feet and Angelina Jolie gave you a blow job and later you would still remember it as the most depressing day of your life.  Second of all, what kind of little girl tries to kill himself by taking Atvian?  Can you even do that?  I looked up one story and it said some kid tried and he just woke up an hour later, so 100 percent of the people i know about who tried this failed.  Pete's lying.  He wasn't trying to kill himself.  That's like trying to "kill yourself" by holding your breath or eating too much pie. 


By brendon February 28, 2008 @ 10:35 AM

Despite wearing what appears to be a wedding or engagement ring on her finger for some time now, Ashlee Simpson told Fuse TV yesterday that she is not engaged to boyfriend Pete Wentz and is very definitely not pregnant. So what's with the ring?  Us magazine says:

…she confirmed it's a promise ring from her Fall Out Boy beau Pete Wentz.
"It just means that he hasn't asked my dad yet…" she explained on Fuse TV's The Sauce while promoting her upcoming album Bittersweet World.
Simpson also set the record straight on another issue: "No, I'm not pregnant," she declared.

So, see, there's no need to worry.  Their well deserved reputation as the worlds most boring famous couple is still in tact.  They could be out to dinner and order mashed potatoes, no, wait, french fries, yes french fries, and it would be the most intensely exciting thing they've ever done.  My heart is in my throat just thinking about it.  I think I need to walk around for a while with my hands over my head.  These two are a real roller coaster.


By brendon January 11, 2008 @ 8:19 AM

Ashlee Simpson and her buff ass boyfriend Pete Wentz are in Costa Rica this weekend.  At least that's what the picture source said.  It looks like they're on someone's farm.  Or maybe that entire country looks like this.  Let's not kid each other, that entire part of the world sucks.  Getting chased through the jungles by lions and komodo dragons while fighting dysentery and writing HELP ME on the beach with rocks.  How relaxing!


By brendon December 21, 2007 @ 1:23 PM

I’ll figure out a way to cloak and dagger this stuff later on but for now I'll just say I have a friend who is absolutely on the inside with this crowd and these people and she has to be careful but I could give a fuck less so here you go:

okay, so, I was hanging out the other night when Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz and some friends sit down next to us.  Ashlee got completely wasted and gave Pete a lap dance, pulling up her shirt and everything.  Then she gave another girl a lap dance and tried to kiss her.  She doesn't eat, she just takes diet pills and drinks, but she told one girl that Jennifer Love Bacon isn't fat at all and that girls should have curves!  Meanwhile, she's 5'5 and weighs about 100 lbs.  What bullshit.

I just like the idea that millionaire celebrities are emotional wrecks just like everyone else.  That they get drunk and do fake lesbian stuff because they crave the approval of boys.  I like it because these girls are easily tricked into real lesbian stuff, and by "real", I mean "drunken fumbling around followed by an awkward morning of no eye contract and stifled crying in the bathroom."  Rawr!!!  Where is she?  Time for the master to work his magic!