By Lex August 26, 2015 @ 9:15 AM
Kris Jenner brought out her sex mannequin daughter and her friend from Guam trying to be an immigrated harder whore to remind everybody that her posse rolls hard, big, and will do anal for Bitcoin. Kris Jenner was being celebrated for her new cover of Haute Living magazine, which is apparently a magazine in English published somewhere. Jenner is the opposite of that mom who fights with her teen daughter over dressing inappropriately. If you’re not showing camel toe, you’re not coming. I didn’t buy you tits to cover them up. People no longer want to fuck me, stand close and maybe they’ll get confused. Haute Living starts and ends with using sex to sell. Happy National Women’s Equality Day.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex August 14, 2015 @ 12:46 PM
Mexico is sending us their rapists. We’re sending them our whores. It makes sense if you studied street economics. Kris Jenner dispatched Kendall Jenner along with Hailey Baldwin and Pia Mia Perez down to Mexico to chaperone her barely legal daughter being fucked on the cliffs of Acapulco by her rapper boyfriend and a dudes selling naranjas on the freeway offramps. Juice never tasted as sweet as when it’s payment for bumping your lady’s snatch. This seems like the right time to quickly build that five hundred foot wall along the Southern border. Summer is coming. But no, that’s not why your urethra is burning.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex May 29, 2015 @ 10:34 AM
Kylie Jenner’s 957th unexcused absence from school was a day well spent. The Jenner daughter sorted out her feelings on chemtrails and dad’s nationally televised castration by grabbing brothel locker partner Pia Mia Perez and rebooting Adrian Lyne’s Foxes along Rodeo Drive. If nobody sees your camel toe, do you really exist? I’ll leave that to Socrates. Kylie has been forced to shoot down rumors once again this week that she’s carrying Tyga’s baby, reiterating her confidence that you can’t get pregnant from casual ass sex if you dookie immediately after. Book learning is overrated. It’s all about brief educational pamphlets.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI/FameFlynet
By Lex April 29, 2015 @ 9:53 AM
There’s a shit ton of stuff you can get done as a teen when high school isn’t on the menu. Get Softcore United on the phone tree and coordinate a bare midriff shopping trip. Some day, you’ll shopping as a grown woman. This is practice. Sneak into the alley for a cigarette. Tell laid out Nick Nolte if he likes staring at your ass so much, why doesn’t he touch it. He won’t have any money. Laugh and get to Barney’s. It’s almost Cinco De Mayo and the piñatas are still in the attic.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex February 23, 2015 @ 8:57 AM
When your daughter comes to you with a vivid dream of showing off her tits and hanging with the Jenners and having Kanye as her late night private music mentor, that’s not a dream, that’s an omen. She may only be twelve, but inspirational quotes don’t include phrases like ‘wait for your first period’. Time to book one-ways from Guam to Los Angeles to pursue this heavenly mission. You know by third grade if your kid’s going to be a doctor or a porn star, it’s just the admitting it part that takes a while.
Photo Credit: Galore Magazine
By Lex July 21, 2014 @ 9:08 AM
Only mostly everybody at Chris Brown’s Kick’N’ It for Charity Celebrity Kickball game in Glendale had rap sheets. Chris, DJ Khaled, The Game, and a few other charitable fellows famous for drugs and beating women showed up for a cause nobody could actually name. Paris Hilton’s jail house record got her into the match where she showed that one lazy eye and nonchalance is all it takes to not be able to kick a slow moving rubber ball. The Jenner girls showed looking for future abusive boyfriends. Their teen friend Pia Mia Perez arrived off the plane Kanye flies her around in international air space so he can sodomize her without fear or legal reprisal. After the final run was scored the U.S. Attorney showed up with a court order preventing that same group of convicts from being within five hundred feet of one another. It’s really hard to think of anything more Americana than this Amish barn raising.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI