By Lex May 29, 2015 @ 10:34 AM
Kylie Jenner’s 957th unexcused absence from school was a day well spent. The Jenner daughter sorted out her feelings on chemtrails and dad’s nationally televised castration by grabbing brothel locker partner Pia Mia Perez and rebooting Adrian Lyne’s Foxes along Rodeo Drive. If nobody sees your camel toe, do you really exist? I’ll leave that to Socrates. Kylie has been forced to shoot down rumors once again this week that she’s carrying Tyga’s baby, reiterating her confidence that you can’t get pregnant from casual ass sex if you dookie immediately after. Book learning is overrated. It’s all about brief educational pamphlets.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI/FameFlynet
By Lex April 29, 2015 @ 9:53 AM
There’s a shit ton of stuff you can get done as a teen when high school isn’t on the menu. Get Softcore United on the phone tree and coordinate a bare midriff shopping trip. Some day, you’ll shopping as a grown woman. This is practice. Sneak into the alley for a cigarette. Tell laid out Nick Nolte if he likes staring at your ass so much, why doesn’t he touch it. He won’t have any money. Laugh and get to Barney’s. It’s almost Cinco De Mayo and the piñatas are still in the attic.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex February 23, 2015 @ 8:57 AM
When your daughter comes to you with a vivid dream of showing off her tits and hanging with the Jenners and having Kanye as her late night private music mentor, that’s not a dream, that’s an omen. She may only be twelve, but inspirational quotes don’t include phrases like ‘wait for your first period’. Time to book one-ways from Guam to Los Angeles to pursue this heavenly mission. You know by third grade if your kid’s going to be a doctor or a porn star, it’s just the admitting it part that takes a while.
Photo Credit: Galore Magazine
By Lex July 21, 2014 @ 9:08 AM
Only mostly everybody at Chris Brown’s Kick’N’ It for Charity Celebrity Kickball game in Glendale had rap sheets. Chris, DJ Khaled, The Game, and a few other charitable fellows famous for drugs and beating women showed up for a cause nobody could actually name. Paris Hilton’s jail house record got her into the match where she showed that one lazy eye and nonchalance is all it takes to not be able to kick a slow moving rubber ball. The Jenner girls showed looking for future abusive boyfriends. Their teen friend Pia Mia Perez arrived off the plane Kanye flies her around in international air space so he can sodomize her without fear or legal reprisal. After the final run was scored the U.S. Attorney showed up with a court order preventing that same group of convicts from being within five hundred feet of one another. It’s really hard to think of anything more Americana than this Amish barn raising.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Lex June 05, 2014 @ 9:06 AM
Before Jesus told Kanye to go become Kim Kardashian’s third husband, Kanye was spending late nights at the studio with Kylie’s teen singing friend Pia Mia Perez. Kanye insists the bleached blond YouTube star is going to be the next Rihanna. I think that means she’s young and ethnic and her voice takes to computer modulation. Also, she can touch her hair and body a lot and pretend to be filled with emotions, as she does in her first released song, Red Love. It’s about Pia regretting the loss of her virginity. Get it, red love. Yeah, I know. According to Pia, and every single teen pop star before her, she’s here to speak to what’s really going on with teenagers:
I’m not afraid to share my experiences. I never want to be offensive to anybody in doing that, but I’m here to speak for what’s really going on in the world for teenagers, who maybe don’t have a voice to say what they are going through.
Absolutely, in 2014 where in the heck would teens go to have a voice or express themselves. If only somebody would invent a social media technology to let teens share their common experience of being fourteen, dropping out of school, befriending the Kardashians, and penning power ballads about the regrets of being on the busted maidenhead side of statutory rape. Kim was previously concerned with all the time Kanye was spending in the studio with Pia Mia. I’m sure the sacred bonds of matrimony will quell her paranoia. All the same, I’ll only offer up a knowing ‘uh-huh’ the morning they find Pia garroted in a ditch in Calabasas with all her jewelry still on.
Photo Credit: Pia Mia Perez/Instagram
By Lex April 21, 2014 @ 12:39 PM
When you think about all the things Kanye has given this world, from his three good songs, to his giant pictures of things, and some wicked bad-ass sneakers, it’s hard to imagine he has anything left to give. But like Jesus himself who rose from a tormented death, Kanye is now unleashing his disciples upon the world. Starting with this teen chick from Guam he may or may not be allowing to go down on his Yeezus meat while Kim spends an hour on the bidet because she can no longer reach her crap hole with paper. There’s an art to making a teenager look like a 40-something Panamanian Canal whore and Kanye seems to have nailed it. He often sketches as he plows his baby mama from behind and imagines whatever it takes to keep his little Kanye engorged. Pia took shots of herself during her concert at Universal City so she could stick it to all the people back in her island nation that said she’d be nothing more than a cliche teeny bopper Brittany rip off that they were right, but fuck you anyhow. You’d have to sew a lot of toiletry bags back in Guam to make $1500 in one night.
Photo Credit: Splash, FameFlynet