Piers Morgan Finally Goes Away

By Matt September 03, 2014 @ 7:42 AM

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Piers Morgan is no longer employed by CNN. After taking over for Larry King, Morgan saw the show’s ratings tank because the change of face suddenly made people realize they had actually been watching Larry King stumble through interviews for the past 80 years. Morgan’s show focused on his hatred of guns and dental floss and also regularly devoted time to issues such as what type of tampon Miley Cyrus is currently endorsing. Before taking over for King, Morgan was considered a joke in Britain where he broadcast and published gossipy trash that makes TMZ look like Pulitzer material. He was mostly known in the U.S. as the drunk looking winner of Celebrity Apprentice. The geniuses at CNN figured they should make that knobby headed boob one of the faces of their network while praying or the U.S. to launch another war in Iraq. Shockingly it went awry. Morgan is one of those guys who simply won’t go away so expect to see him taking a paycheck from some channel a notch or two below CNN. That doesn’t leave much. Maybe that Channel Al Gore sold to ISIS to air their beheadings.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

the UK has a peition to make us keep Piers Morgan

By brendon December 27, 2012 @ 6:22 PM

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According to CBS News today, over 80,000 people have now signed the petition to deport CNN host Piers Morgan back to England since he began calling for stricter gun control laws in the US.

Unfortunately, England has the internet too, and they got wind of this, and now they have a petition to keep him in the US, because “no one in the UK wants him back.” And their petition has a hand drawn brown and white picture of him and it’s nailed to a tree like a wanted poster for Robin Hood, so their probably gonna win this little contest.

Kirk Cameron offended the gays. Again.

By brendon March 05, 2012 @ 11:41 AM

The ironically named GLAAD is once again pissed off about something, this time Kirk Cameron and the things he said on CNN during an interview with Piers Morgan. I’m assuming it was the part where he implied homosexuality might destroy civilization.

“I think that it’s unnatural,” Cameron (said). “I think that it’s detrimental, and ultimately destructive to so many of the foundations of civilization.”

Into the fires with you, Zachary Quinto! You’re a barbarian! Why can’t you be civilized, like Torquemada!

“I believe marriage was defined by God. Marriage is almost as old as dirt, and it was defined in the Garden between Adam and Eve. One man, one woman for life till death do you part. So I would never attempt to try to redefine marriage. And I don’t think anyone else should either. So do I support the idea of gay marriage? No, I don’t.”

I really wanted Cameron to sound like an asshole because I personally think religious people are ridiculous, but the fact is Morgan asked him his opinion (*) and he gave it. And that’s fine. He should be allowed to think whatever he wants. My problem is that his opinion is being made into law, and his opinion keeps gay people from having equal rights. I don’t even give a shit about gay people, because I’m not gay and I only care about about me, but every argument against gay marriage always comes down to, “well God said so”, and I don’t see why others should be forced to obey rules given to Kirk Cameron by the voices in his head. If kneeling in a pew and praying to a crucifix gives him comfort and peace, good for him, I’m jealous, but that’s between him and his magic furniture. Leave me out of it.

(*) and actually had to ask him several times: longer video here, transcript here.

wednesday headlines

By brendon June 30, 2010 @ 11:04 AM

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LARRY KING – announced his retirement last night and ‘Americas Got Talent’ judge Piers Morgan could sign a deal to replace him as early as today. King had no comment about Morgan because CNN had already pushed him down the stairs and locked the door behind him. (radar)

WONDER WOMAN – has a new costume and her slutty bodysuit has been replaced with pants and a jacket. The new writer also wanted to, “give her breast reduction surgery.” You’ve just made yourself a powerful new enemy, you sick son of a bitch. (ny times)

EMINEM – sold 741,000 copies of ‘Recovery’ last week, the biggest debut since 2008. The biggest debut of the decade of course was when my ex girlfriend saw my dick for the first time. Seriously. It’s humongous. Call me ladies! (yahoo)

ZOE SALDANA – is engaged. To a white guy. First Halle Berry now Zoe. Who does Seleta Ebanks date? Black guys won’t take this much longer, not when we’re giving them Khloe Kardashian in exchange. We could be on the verge of a race war. (msnbc)

JESSICA ALBA – is in Paris, but more to the point she looks fantastic in shorts. Too bad about that dumb kid, but at least Jessica didn’t get fat. That would be a much tougher problem. You can’t drown fat in a sink and throw it in a dumpster if you catch my drift. (splash)

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