Yesterday I was throwing a little hissy fit because I thought Playboy was running an old Olivia Munn picture on their July cover, but today they have her pictures online and OH MY FUCKING GOD she looks terrific. She’s not actually naked, but it’s close enough. I’ve actually been working on a plan to make her my girlfriend. Here’s my plan so far: abduct Olivia Munn. Ta-da!
(hq jump = here. image source = playboy cyber club)
Nerds love G4 Attack of the Show host Olivia Munn even more than they love debating who would win in a fight, Joss Whedon or JJ Abrahms. They even love her more than they love Yoda, and make no mistake about it, nerds really really really love Yoda. So Playboy is playing with fire this month with Munn as the cover girl. Not only is she not naked inside, but either she only owns one bikini or Playboy just took a pic from her Complex magazine shoot from last February. And they didn’t even take an especially good one.
Playboy did this same kind of thing when they took a Jessica Alba pic from the movie, “The One Where She’s In A Bikini” and used it for their March 2006 cover, and I did this same kind of thing when I scanned this Denise Milani picture and tried to make a lady.
(hq jump = here. uhq of the last alba pic = here)
America isn’t as awesome as it used to be, because now we have all these God damn hippies constantly crying about everything, but we do still rule at everything good, including the killing power of our military and the handsomeness of our bloggers (*wink*). Even the other countries that are good have to put up with queer little cars and an inexplicable number of naked men statues.
And now we can add The Worlds Largest Bikini Parade to our resume. 281 girls, led by Holly Madison, walked the strip in Vegas yesterday as part of the 50th anniversary of the Welcome to Las Vegas sign, and it was even certified by the Guinness Book Of World records (more here). Suck on that Britain!
If you’re the kind of person who enjoys resetting passwords, brace yourself because you may come in your pants when I tell you the big news. One of the reasons we moved some things around last week was because the old admin page had some security, um, let’s call it “flaws”. So we had to lock all the old passwords, and now to keep every thing safe you have to do that “forgot my password” email thing. We would do it for you, but we can’t. And also it’s time you took some initiative and made something of yourself. Your mother and I are worried sick.
So if you’ve registered here before with an email and password, click here to get instructions on what to do next. And if that shit sounds boring, you can go just go over here and see naked pictures of Ida Ljungqvist, who was named Playmate of the Year on Monday. Your call.
This will fit in nicely with the Sex Symbols of Yesterday theme we’ve had lately because earlier today Victoria Principal filed a lawsuit against her maid, claiming the woman threatened her, kidnaped her dog, damaged her property and assaulted another maid. And that’s why Victoria pulled a gun on her. Wait what?
The maid, Maribel Banegas, sued Principal yesterday … but in Principal’s lawsuit, the actress says on December 26, 2008, the maid was told she was fired and flew into a rage and “repeatedly slammed the back door with such force that…the door frame itself was damaged.”
The suit claims the maid struck and injured another maid in the house, then grabbed Victoria’s small dog and left the house.
An hour later, Victoria called the maid on the cell phone, demanding the return of the dog. A short time later, the large maid (6 feet tall, 160ish) returned “dragging Principal’s dog into the kitchen on such a taut leash that the dog’s front paws were lifted off the ground and so roughly that the dog was coughing and wheezing and its eyes bulging.”
The maid was screaming, “Give me money.”
Victoria was so terrified, she went upstairs to her bedroom and retrieved a handgun … The maid allegedly started pounding the kitchen counter and began shouting. She walked toward Victoria, who then “cocked the handgun and told Banegas to leave.” That did the trick. Kinda. The maid ran in the guest house, locked herself in and Sheriff’s deputies had to come and remove her.
There’s no way to know what really happened here but “Maribel Banegas” certainly sounds the name of a bitch who would cut you, so I’m thinking she’s guilty. Latin chicks are hot but they’re all nuts. They’re the hottest ones in porn and they do everything but they’re always looking at the guys penis and yelling at it. Settle down lady. A penis really only does one thing, and your tough-love program of shouting demands isn’t gonna change that.
(and over here, for no apparent reason, is Victoria’s Playboy and other modeling stuff from 800 years ago)
What in the hell is going on at Playboy? They had their SuperBowl party yesterday, and there was literally not one painted girl that I would have sex with. Not one. And you need to know that I dated a fat girl the summer when I was 12 only because her parents had a pool, so please don’t think I just have some impossibly high standards. The four above aren’t the ones I mean, they're only there so I don’t startle any of you. And in the middle is Christine Smith, who has red hair and huge breasts, meaning she might be the Most Perfect Woman On Earth! But the rest of these whores are a complete mess.
- The twins Hef dates are genuinely ugly. I don’t mean to say "they're unattractive" or "not my cup of tea", I mean "ugly". I’d rather jack off on my foot than their face.
- This ones nips are pointing so far up, if we were naked I'd think they were looking behind me, like some kind of warning that someone was sneaking up on me.
- This one is standing in the way of Christine, meaning I would push her out of the way so fast you’d think a donkey just kicked her.
- You could literally fit a third breast between the two this chick already has. Maybe even a fourth.
- I don’t mean to brag but I know an ex-dude when I see one.
- What is this, Star Wars?
(picture source = splash news)
