Ellen Brings Down the Hammer

By Lex March 25, 2015 @ 8:59 AM


Dolce & Gabbana took another hit from the gay community when Ellen lambasted the unambiguously gay duo for making comments in an Italian magazine about in-vitro fertilization being as awful as pairing beige slacks with a taupe sweater. In a quirk of expectations, the designing ex-couple mentioned that babies should come from men and women fucking. Elton John took round one of the wagging finger of shame last week, followed by Ellen this week. It’s like a one two sucker punch of gay mafia interpretation of the free in free speech meaning you’re free to speak like me.

It’s not even worth commenting on because they’re, you know, ignorant.

Though Ellen did then comment by saying she’d never ever wear their clothes again. She was going to say ‘buy’ when she remembered all her designer clothes come for free. Ellen’s soulmate and surprisingly nimbleĀ finger puppet Portia de Rossi took a more reasoned approach to the D&G controversy:

The only thing you can say is that, you know, we’re all entitled to free speech. However, I just don’t understand who they are. I don’t understand why they would want to say that.

Maybe because they were raised in traditional Italian Catholic homes and they believe it? Fuck if I know the moral origin of their theories on ideal reproduction I know you don’t. They’re not campaining to outlaw IVF. They’re just two guys who make dressesĀ and handbags who have an opinion you don’t like. No matter, your bitch going to fuck them up something proper. A little diversity training.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Portia de Rossi Loves to Skywrite

By Lex August 19, 2014 @ 3:12 PM


Portia de Rossi’s go to gifts for Ellen are either skywriting messages or that special thing she does with her tongue and ring finger that drives her old lady wild. She can do both while pretty deeply intoxicated. Amid rumors of a marriage reminiscent of Ike and Tina Turner without the music, Portia paid a pilot to write the word SIX in the sky above Ellen’s elfin face to celebrate their sixth wedding anniversary. Maybe she was paying by the letter because this seems kind of super simple. Maybe add a heart or a dollar sign or something. Either way, this allowed Ellen to Instragram the romantic gesture so maybe everybody will shut the fuck up about how she likes to treat or not treat her bitch. Not likely. So long as there have been openly gay marriages in Hollywood, a whole ten years or so now, there have been people trying to tear down those marriages. Either because they inherently oppose gay marriage or, like me, they just think Portia de Rossi is too tall, young, and sexually adventurous to be tied down with Ellen’s vagina. In a couple months, when a plane mysteriously skywrites HELP I’M LOCKED IN REHAB WHILE SHE FUCKS AROUND it might be time for the lesbian police to step in.

Portia De Rossi Faded On Ellen Vag

By Lex July 15, 2014 @ 6:12 AM


Ellen’s vagina is the psychoactive toad of lesbian Hollywood. It made Anne Heche crazy, well, more crazy. Portia de Rossi is now experiencing the long term effects of having her face directed between her older wife’s pant-suited thighs and told to help mama relax. Portia has started chugging diet wine coolers and screaming to the unsullied house staff that Ellen is controlling and manipulative. She also was ranting about Ellen being ‘too close’ with Sofia Vergara. Ellen suggested that Portia spend a month in a special rehab run by Franciscan nuns with 3D printed carbon fiber rulers. After being threatened with loss of her shoe allowance, Portia agreed a little rubber room time with chamomile tea breaks would be good for her complexion.

New reports now claim that Portia was secretly filming the fights she had with Ellen to show how abusive the day time talk show host was behind closed doors. Portia threatened to release the tapes to the public who would run, not walk to watch thirty-seven hours of chicks in Tevas being emotionally distant and unsupportive. Ellen’s camp, not the same camp where grade school Ellen talked girls into letting her touch their privates, are insisting that the couple are coming along nicely in trying to repair their damaged relationship. I take that to mean Cobra assembled in the solarium to figure out how to load Portia full of Xanax and drive her off of Mulholland in a staged accident.

Photo credit: Splash News

At Ellen’s New Mansion, The Carpets Do Match The Drapes (And You’re Eating Both If You Want to Move In)

By Lex May 24, 2013 @ 12:44 PM

There was this guy in my circle of friends, he used to hang out at the bars, get lucky with the ladies every now and then, until one day up and told everybody he was moving in with some older man. He declared himself gay, packed his few material goods, and moved into this swank palace of a place where he still watches all his sports, drinks his beer, doesn’t seem to work much, and, yeah, once a week or so he probably doinks this guy in the rectum and calls him by some effeminate version of his real name. I’ve read enough Anderson Cooper articles to know that being gay isn’t a choice. But what I also know is that if you’ve got to make a choice, choose somebody with a nice fat bank roll who can support your lifestyle. Like Portia de Rossi. Yeah, she has to snarfle Ellen’s mannish wet spot on occasion to keep the high life rolling, but check out this new $25 million pad Ellen just bought the pair of them in Montecito. We’re all whores, the only question is what do we get in the bargain.


By brendon July 07, 2008 @ 1:24 PM

Portia De Rossi went topless on a yacht in Sardinia, Italy, over the weekend, which is good, but unfortunately her girlfriend Sean Penn Ellen DeGeneres was there too, and she was tanning with her legs spread open and her feet up in the air.  It’s a move she calls, Fuck You Clouds.

(picture source = inf daily)


By brendon May 16, 2008 @ 6:17 AM

The California Supreme Court overturned Prop 22 yesterday – which in 2000 won with 61 percent of the vote to ban California from recognizing same sex marriages – so now same sex couples are racing to get married.  And yesterday on her stupid show, Ellen DeGeneres announced plans to marry Portia de Rossi, her girlfriend for the past 4 years.  People magazine says…

DeGeneres made the announcement Thursday, according to the Associated Press and TMZ (which first reported the story). The news came hot on the heels of a judicial ruling that struck down California's laws against gay marriage.
In what's sure to be a controversial decision, the California's Supreme Court ruled that people have a fundamental "right to marry" the partner of their choosing – therefore the previous ban on gay marriage was ruled unconstitutional.
De Rossi, 35, was reportedly in the studio when DeGeneres – who just celebrated her 50th birthday – made the announcement before a cheering audience. (The episode is scheduled to air Friday.)

Ellen DeGeneres is disgusting to look at and a complete bitch so I'm against anything that may bring her happiness. On a scale of 1 to 10, I would punch Ellen in the face a good hard 9.