Not since the Fox reality dating series Joe Millionaire has something so fucking stupid made its way onto network television (probably an exaggeration), but I Wanna Marry Harry is finally here to make the rest of the world believe that Americans are as dumb as they think we are. On this new series, 12 female idiots are brought to England for what they think is the chance to win Prince Harry’s heart, because if there’s one thing that the royal family would let Harry do, it’s star in a reality series on Fox. Some of the girls introduced in last night’s debut episode seemed a little skeptical, openly questioning the validity of the guy who clearly isn’t Prince Harry, but will that stop them from acting like petty hookers who wouldn’t saw off their own pinkies for a chance at trading sex to join the monarchy? No. Absolutely not.
Everyone in England had thought that 29-year old Prince Harry had finally found love after dating Cressida Bonas for almost two whole years, after a string of rumored flings and girlfriends before her. Sad news for fans of symbolic royalty today, though, as the Daily Mail confirmed that the couple has indeed split, while denying rumors that Cressida had become too clingy, and instead feels that she needs to focus on her own career. And at 25, she’s made an incredibly wise decision, because instead of having anything she wants handed to her on a silver and probably gold platter for the rest of her life, she now has to actually work. Sure, she won’t be wealthy in terms of having access to the royal family’s fortune, but she’ll be wealthy in another, far more meaningless way. As for Harry, well, they might as well just put him out of his misery. There’s no way a wealthy 29-year old playboy can rebound from this one. Poor guy will probably never know a woman’s touch again.
Photo Credits: Getty
It goes without saying that being born Prince Harry is a pretty sweet roll of the cosmic dice. You get cars and girls and money just for emerging out of the right vagina. It’s not a bad gig. But, at times, it comes with its downsides. Like having to hang with lap-banded Chris Christie on the boardwalk touring Sandy damage. Chris Christie cares about hurricane damage in New Jersey a whole lot. He has to. Prince Harry doesn’t give a fuck and he’d rather be doing blow with naked hookers in Vegas like his last trip stateside. Instead he’s checking out washed out buildings while trying not to be sucked in by the gravitational forces of the governor’s enormous gunt. Is the tradeoff worth it? Fuck yeah it is. Still, a long day with the lime green Weeble has to make you consider trading lives with a Pauper.
According to the Sun’s super-secret sources, singer Taylor Swift is trying to snag an invite to one of Prince Harry’s parties when he makes his potentially-nude return to the U.S. in May. One of Harry’s parties will take place in Washington DC around the same time as Swift’s two shows at the Verizon Center, so naturally this means that the girl who dates everyone wants to make her next album about the Royal Redhead.
A source said: “Taylor’s desperate to get her name added on to the VIP lists of stars being lined up to meet Harry. She loves everything about him — especially his ginger hair and English accent.
“She’s dated JFK’s great nephew CONOR KENNEDY, who is considered American royalty, and Harry would be a massive step up from him.
“Taylor is also Harry’s type as he loves blondes.” (The Sun)
Swift is currently dating her tourmate Ed Sheehan, but that doesn’t mean shit because she’ll just have her security team roll him up in a giant rug and push him into an arena’s incinerator. Taylor’s real problem is that among the female celebrities already scheduled to meet Harry are Jennifer Lawrence, Scarlett Johansson, Vanessa Hudgens and Kate Upton.
Basically, unless Swift suddenly grows Double D breasts and a vagina made of velvet, you can bet that her next single is going to be called “Giant Tits and Wrist Slits”.
(Photo Credits: Getty)