Jackson Family Values

By Matt June 26, 2015 @ 6:11 AM


Tuesday was the sixth anniversary of Michael Jackson’s death and subsequent refusal to acknowledge his sexual preferences by the black community. When Jackson passed away his estate was bankrupt. It is now worth $2 billion. Each of Jackson’s definitely not biological children Prince, Paris, and Blanket, are now eligible to liquidate his estate and make $100 million a piece and follow in his footsteps of overdosing on hospital grade pharmaceuticals. The money has come from sales of albums since his death, the movie This Is It and that Michael Jackson Cirque du Soleil tour which you told your girlfriend was canceled. It is reported the kids will probably hang onto the estate since the new buyers would no doubt find evidence of dozens of sex crimes. I’d recommend a DNA test. My real dad’s not a pederast. I think it’s one of the dudes from Entourage.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Prince Jackson Targeted

By Lex April 10, 2015 @ 11:51 AM

Prince Jackson Takes His New Girlfriend To jiu Jitsu Class
Prince Jackson just turned eighteen and got a chunk of the Michael Jackson fortune making him the immediate target of competency barbs almost certainly coming from his own family. The dead Michael Jackson teat has a lot of mouths to feed. Stories have begun showing up in the press about how the most seemingly normal Jackson ever, Prince, is having alcoholic beverages at bars, engaging in sexual activity, and even maybe smoking pot!

He’s been acting out to the point where his family is now worried and they want to do anything to prevent another tragedy. Everyone is hoping that the family considers an intervention in Prince’s life soon.

An intervention for what? Avoiding the spotlight, being straight, and smoking a little weed? He’s taking his girlfriend to jiu-jitsu class. That seems dangerous. He probably needs a conservatorship of some kind to be administered by his uncles and cousins who haven’t worked since ’79. Prince needs to re-open Neverland with a new ride, The Truthy Mine Shaft Experience. Push his relatives down into it until they hit rock bottom. Fill it in with grit and unobtainium. Nobody will fuck you over like family. Well, women, but after women, family. Also the IRS. And viral infections. Avoid all of them, Prince. Buy some decent shows and run.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

Prince Jackson Seems Normal

By Lex April 11, 2014 @ 2:14 PM

Prince Jackson Holds Hands With His Girlfriend Nikita Bess In Beverly Hills
The human fallout from Neverland Ranch rivals that of Fukushima, only Japanese people with glowing tumors at least have a medical fighting chance. The kids who swung the pedophile play structure at Michael Jackson’s private retreat for pubescent exploration are never to be cured. Even McCauley Caulkin who didn’t get finger shtupped never quite got over being left out of the Jesus Juice games. Prince Jackson seems kind of normal. He’s the oldest of Michael’s three kids, along with daughter Paris and however you would gender define Blanket. Prince seems to be the lone survivor. He’s kind of a normal teen who likes to take his pudgy girlfriend to the movies or to the mall. His bio mom Debbie Rowe is trying to get custody of Prince, along with Paris and the aforementioned amphibious-appendaged Blanket even though it came out of a different test tube than her two bio kids. The former dental assistant has an inkling that the Jackson family is a fucked up group of soul and cash sucking fiends and even though she was never supposed to be a parent to the kids, now she wants to rescue them. Especially from Jermaine who she says is super creepy. When a woman says a man is super creepy in regard to children, that’s a polite way of saying she thinks he diddles kids. But expect that not shocking Jackson family revelation to only come out if the custody hearing gets nasty. It’s been months since we had a good Jackson family trial. I’m ready.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet

joe jackson might be the devil

By brendon February 01, 2010 @ 5:24 PM


Prince Jackson and sexy Austin Powers his sister Paris were forced on stage last night at the Staples Center in LA to accept a Grammy for their dad Michael, their first public appearance since his televised funeral in June. Which, by the way, was also held on that same stage at the Staples Center.

Now we can go back and forth all day as to whether you should push a 12-year-old boy in front of millions and have him relive his dads very recent funeral, but that would lead us nowhere. Maybe you should, maybe you shouldn’t. Ripping apart a child’s open wounds wasn’t the important thing about last night. I think we can all agree that the important thing was the chance to rehabilitate Joe Jacksons reputation. The Hollywood Reporter says…

(Michaels) kids, Prince and Paris, whom he draped in bee keeper’s hats and masks to keep them out of the public, took center stage and accepted his Lifetime Achievement Award at the 52nd annual Grammy Awards.
Yes, they were poised and articulate. But their remarks were scripted. And when Prince Michael spoke, it was worth examining what he said. He acknowledged both his “grandma” — Katherine Jackson, his legal guardian — and his “grandpa,” Joe Jackson, whom Michael hated. Joe Jackson is currently suing Michael’s estate to get a $20,000-per-month allowance. Michael would have returned to being black before he would have let his kids have anything to do with Joe Jackson. Praising him in public? Never. And poor Prince didn’t realize he was shilling for his “grandpa.” That part was sad.

So Joes plan to convince the world that he’s not a monster who uses kids was to take some kids and bombard them with video and thoughts of their dead dad, so that they could publicly thank Joe. Holy shit. This guy might as well pull mice out of a cage and swallow them whole he’s so creepy. The only way this could get any worse is if he hired a Michael impersonator to whisper into their ear at night about how great Joe is.