Lady Gaga Distancing Herself from R. Kelly

By Lex January 03, 2014 @ 5:36 PM

Lady Gaga Poses Topless But Covered For A Versace Ad
Maybe it wasn’t the best idea for a woman to launch a bawdy sexualized song with a known defiler of underaged girls. Lady Gaga probably didn’t give a shit until her new album tanked in sales simultaneous to the uproar over R. Kelly’s pissing on pubescent girls came back into the media spotlight. Such is the whimsical nature of creating art with sex offenders. Lady Gaga’s P.R. machine, along with her desperately bleeding cash record label, got Christina Aguilera to re-do ‘Do What U Want’ taking over R. Kelly’s role in the duet with Lady Gaga. They released it on iTunes and are mostly hoping people forget about the R. Kelly intercourse version showcased on SNL and at the American Music Awards.

“When I heard she [Christina] wanted to collaborate, I said of course! She’s such an innovative artist and a risk taker. And as a fellow female, I have so much respect for that.”  – Lady Gaga pretending to tell a truth

Yes, of course she wanted to collaborate, after she got offered lots of money to make people forget about the dude who used to arrange underaged sex shows in his condo. I didn’t really need a new version of this crappy song to make me forget about the two month old version of the crappy song. I’m guessing we’re not likely now to ever see the provocative music video Terry Richardson was creating for the R. Kelly and Lady Gaga version. I wonder if they sampled the crying girls from Chicago. That’s so Artpop!

Photo Credit: Versace

R. Kelly Hates On The Haters Who Hate That He Hate Fucks Teens

By Jack December 18, 2013 @ 1:28 PM

R. Kelly is once again defending himself against allegations of past sexual misconduct with underaged girls. You know, like when he fucked a couple of teen girls in a sex tape and peed on them. Stuff like that. This is in the wake of the release of his latest album Black Panties. R. Kelly has been accused of this kind of shenanigans for over a decade now. Yet, he’s not been convicted of any misconduct. Charged, yes. He was even brought in once for owning child porn. But the star takes it all in stride saying nonsensical things like,

“Well I feel like I got the football, man, I’m running towards the touchdown and stopping and looking back, mess around, I’ll get tackled…But as you know, when you get on top of anything, it’s very windy up there.”

Umm, right. Now I’m not one to judge a man if he wants to blow through a bunch of groupies and chickenheads. That is his right as an American celebrity of any measure. But you can’t diddle the kids. It’s the one rule we hold sacred to keep our First World Nation membership. It’s why you don’t hear Gary Glitter’s Rock and Roll Part 1 at NBA games anymore even though that was the best sports bumper music ever. Because child rape even trumps pro sports in importance. If we have to live without Bump N’ Grind, that might just be the price we pay for not sharing the same value system on 14-years olds as sex toys as, say, tribal Afghanistan.

Village Voice Recounts R. Kelly’s Glory Days of Raping High School Sophomores

By Lex December 17, 2013 @ 2:31 PM

R Kelly And Lady Gaga 'Do What U Want' Promo Photo
Some people just can’t let shit go. It’s been fifteen years since R. Kelly kind of allegedly raped hordes of high school girls. And maybe one or three of them tried to off themselves. But it’s not like R. Kelly didn’t pay them all reasonably well to shut the fuck up. I’m pretty sure there’s a verse or two in the Good Book that says that makes it all good. I guess some people didn’t get the street justice memo. With the release of R. Kelly’s new sexually charged Black Panties album, The Village Voice brought back Jim DeRogatis, the Sun-Times reporter who broke all the R. Kelly rape stories, to recount some of the more heinous allegations that the rest of the music world kind of swept under the rug because R. Kelly was making them money and people like money.

He would go back in the early years of his success and go to Lina McLin’s gospel choir class. She’s a legend in Chicago, gospel royalty. He would go to her sophomore class and hook up with girls afterward and have sex with them.

He picked up other girls and made them all have sex together.

There was a young woman that he picked up on the evening of her prom. The relationship lasted a year and a half or two years. Impregnated her, paid for her abortion, had his goons drive her. None of which she wanted.

You watch the video for which he was indicted and there is the disembodied look of the rape victim. He orders her to call him Daddy. He urinates in her mouth and instructs her at great length on how to position herself to receive his “gift.”

So, yeah, there’s that. But R. Kelly’s got some great pipes and the ladies do love him. I’m sure that whole raping underaged girls thing was just a phase like it is for most men who dabble in that hobby. Just look at Lady Gaga position herself to receive his gift. She seems so happy.

Photo Credit: Getty

Lady Gaga Has Fallen And She Can’t Get Up

By Lex December 16, 2013 @ 5:40 PM

Everybody wants to know why the social outcasts from The Breakfast Club aren’t buying Lady Gaga’s new album. It’s so bad that when I searched Lady Gaga backdoor cucumber BDSM penetration, I got articles about how ARTPOP sucks and how Interscope is going to have to fire a large number of angry short people because they’re losing so much money on the album. Everybody in Gaga’s inner-circle has ditched her like rats fleeing a really unattractive Titanic. Did Gaga foretell her own future by posing crawling across the floor in a bikini while R. Kelly subjugates her beneath his prophylactic diaper? It would be a better story if Fame or Celebrity or German Measles killed Lady Gaga, you know, rather than just a really crappy album without radio play songs.

R. Kelly Thinks Chris Brown Is Jesus

By Jack December 10, 2013 @ 6:02 PM

R. Kelly came to the defense of fellow creepy singer Chris Brown by comparing him to Muhammed Ali, Martin Luther King, and Jesus Christ. Kelly was giving an interview for his new album Black Panties when the subject of his many controversies came up. You know, like him peeing on underaged girls on sex tapes and generally being a weird asshole. But how in the name of Christ can Chris Brown be like Jesus? He says of the haters that,

“I feel sorry for them, not Chris Brown, because he’s obviously one strong individual to be able to do what he’s done. He got knocked down a little bit and he climbed up. You know, that sounds like Ali to me. That sounds like Martin Luther King to me. That sounds like a lot of the greats that have walked this earth. It even sounds a little bit like Jesus to me.”

Umm, it’s been a while since I read the Good Book but I’m pretty sure Jesus never beat any girls so bad they had to go to the hospital. Martin Luther King never had a neck tattoo and a coke habit and Ali isn’t in anger rehab right now throwing rocks through his mom’s car window. What is it with rappers claiming to be like Jesus? Kanye literally thinks he’s a god and regularly compares himself to people like MLK. Guys, you figured out how to rhyme words over someone else’s beats. You aren’t special. You’re lucky.

Lady Gaga Mounts R. Kelly In Preview Mode

By Lex December 09, 2013 @ 4:51 PM

With only one preview shot of the forthcoming video for the Lady Gaga song about letting R. Kelly piss directly into her screeching portal, I’m already prepared to call this the musical event of the year. What could possibly go visually wrong with Megan’s Law website featured face Terry Richardson directing the bewildered ferret like countenance of Lady Gaga writhing around on R. Kelly homaging Kanye and flipping the bird.

I know you’re waiting for the DWUW video. Its unlike any video I’ve ever done. Very Personal. Just making it perfect. Exciting, — Lady Gaga tweeting her Little Monsters

By personal, I think Gaga means you might catch a glimpse of the sutures where he gunny sack used to be. Do What You Want will be the video they show on long sea voyages to keep the sailors from getting hard enough to rape each other in the boiler room. Can not wait.