Canadian exiles and fervent meth addicts Randy and Evi Quaid uploaded a series of sex tapes they made to the Internet. It shows Quaid with a Unabomber beard going down on his wife, then she sucks his dick and they fuck while a dog yaps relentlessly in the background and you cry. They succeed marvelously in making the audience feel dirty but I missed the larger point. This should stand alone as the grossest celebrity sex tape on record until we finally get that footage of Artie Lange crying and fucking a rented watermelon while cutting himself. Assuming that doesn’t exist they’re in the clear.
The videos are a part of the Quaids’ delusional amphetamine fueled belief that they are systematically having their bank accounts drained and being charged with crimes they didn’t commit by the US government and Rupert Murdoch. It’s unclear why the government would have any interest in this or how making a sticky cringeworthy sex tape is a proper response. Like blowing a homeless guy to protest ObamaCare. I’m supposed to say I hope these two get the help they need but I really just want to see how bad this can get. I have some theories on chem trails. Send your encouragement.
Randy Quaid and his wife are still exiled in Canada where they fled following vandalism and burglary charges. I think they also sodomized some exotic animals on the way out of town. The U.S. threw their passports in the carbon neutral incinerator. Quaid isn’t ready to admit he loves meth and is still blaming everyone else for his problems in brazenly paranoid and delusional rants. His latest line of logic finds Rupert Murdoch actively plotting to ruin his life and clearly succeeding. He cites Police Media Corruption, a conspiracy ring which spins a wheel and throws darts at random character actors and has them falsely arrested.
In his recent avant garde offering he puts a photo of Rupert Murdoch on his bikini clad wife’s face, bends her over, spits on his hand, rubs it on her ass, and begins humping her repeatedly while a dog howls. This type of behavior can’t help his case against the Police Media Corporation. The images are rather unsettling because it leads you to believe this is the type of thing cabin dwellers have always done, even prior to Youtube. Quaid is apparently drifting in and out of reality and thinks he is somehow responsible for saving the world because the character he played in Independence Day did just that. I can’t remember if he lived or not in that version, but he might want to consider a posthumous medal this go around.
PEOPLE WHO READ TYLER - are concerned. About something. I’m not sure what though. Earthquakes? That can’t be right. For future reference, if you want me to read your email, don’t be real hot and certainly don’t include pictures where I can look down your shirt. This link could give everyone some terrible virus for all I know, or just be a .pdf with my social security number, birthday and credit scores. (blaghag)
DINA LOHAN - says Michael Lohan is only pretending to be concerned about Lindsay so he can get control of her money. Yes, if only he had that half-million dollar debt and no possible way of ever coming out of it. THEN, the power would be all his. (radar)
RANDY QUAID - is in jail for walking out on a $10,000 hotel bill that he ran up in Sept, 2009. Wait, he wasn’t in jail for that until now? Jesus Christ. I know for a while there was talk of California seceding from the union. Is that still an option? Because by all means go for it. (people)
WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE – ruled the weekend box office by earning 32.5M. Notice I said “earned”. You could learn a thing or two about hard work and the value of a dollar from this movie, young man. (boxofficemojo)
MADONNA – was sued on Friday by her Central Park condo neighbor, because Madge “forces neighbors to endure blaring music, stomping and shaking walls … unreasonably high-decibel, amplified music as bass-y vibrations rumble through walls, ceilings and radiators.” To be fair, Madonna is an old lady. She was probably just watching Wheel of Fortune. “The Pat Sajak really tickles my goose,” she says to her cats. (enquirer)
WILMER VALDERAMA – will star in a sitcom based on “the Dog Whisperer”. Wilmer, the producer of ‘Hung’ and Fox have all come together to tell comedy lovers to go fuck themselves. (comingsoon)
RANDY QUAID – was due in court this morning in Santa Barbara to explain the fraud charges against him, but of course he didn’t show up, and now may be extradited from Texas. I’m not surprised he didn’t show up, but it was just as likely he’d show up in a gold horse drawn carriage, then stepped out wearing a tuxedo with tails, a ivory tipped cane, a top hat and spats. (e!online)
LILY ALLEN – hung out topless on her balcony of a Venice hotel this weekened. Considering how often she does stuff like this, that might the most dishonest “classified” stamp ever awarded. (hq jump here)
MEGAN FOX – yesterday there was the Megan-Fox-girl-kissing scene from ‘Jennifers Body’, now comes the famous Megan-Fox-getting-out-of-the-water-naked scene. And it’s terrific. They shot it perfectly. So Sexy. There’s really nothing I would have done differently.
JOE FRANCIS – is being sued for a million dollars by Jayde Nicole, the girl he beat up in a bar in August. Jayde says she suffered a “black eye, swollen face, bruised ribs, a sore and bruised abdomen region, bruised arms and legs, ripped out hair along with utter emotional distress and humiliation and she claims she suffered permanent disability.” I get everything but “humiliation”. She dates Brody Jenner. How much pride could she really have? (radar)
LILY ALLEN – says she is done making music. “Just so you know, I have not renegotiated my record contract and have no plans to make another record.” Luckily she says this kind of thing all the time. She’s awesome, but very emotional. The type who would try to kill herself by holding her breath. (the sun)
RANDY QUAID – has been arrested in Marfa, Texas for that hotel bill thing, but they didn’t go down easy. “there was a struggle and deputies had to wrestle Evi to the ground as she screamed loudly … Randy assaulted (deputies) physically and verbally and resisted arrest.” They will now be extradited to Santa Barbara, which actually sounds really relaxing. (tmz)
The Santa Barbara County Police Department has issued warrants for the arrest of Randy Quaid and his wife Evi after they ran up a bill of over $10,000 at the luxurious San Ysidro Ranch, and then just, sort of left. Turns out that’s illegal. Radar says…
…the couple is expected to be charged with three felony counts each: Defrauding an innkeeper, conspiracy and Burglary, and that bail will be set at $20,000.
…a source close to the investigation confirmed that Randy and Evi also owe the Hotel Bel-Air $17,000 in unpaid hotel bills and are holding on to a rental car that has been reported missing by Hertz Rent-A-Car.
Who knows what these vultures really want from Randy but he can’t very well pay every single hotel bill AND prance around in fancy full length fur coats, now can he? He’s not an ATM machine, you know. I’m sure he tried to explain that to them, but you know these hotels. Money, money, money. “You owe us money, we want our money.” It’s a really unattractive quality to be honest.