Ray Rice Is Now A Model Husband

By Matt January 16, 2015 @ 7:07 AM

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Ray Rice threw a birthday party for his wife and bought her a name brand purse so it looks like everything is fine now. Janay Rice then had the nerve to caption a photo on Instagram with:

“I literally have the best husband in the world. He went above and beyond to make my birthday special.”

I don’t know about the best husband. There are still some guys out there who don’t roll their eyes about attending the farmers market and never played pinball with your head in an elevator. If I were Janay I’d strive for Fair To Middling at this point. There’s a fine art to overcompensation. When done right it can be shrugged off as delusional. When it seems calculated you’ve failed miserably. Please call off the parade and cancel that cast iron bust of your family you ordered. I hope the couple makes it without another incident but hyperbole doesn’t make it more likely. The Best Husband in The World is literally Hugh Jackman. He’s handsome and most certainly gay. Plus he’s not throwing any punches. Literally go back to college.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Janay Rice Possibly Just Kinky (VIDEO)

By Matt December 23, 2014 @ 8:12 AM

New video of the Ray and Janay Rice elevator brawl appears to show them intimately kissing each other while handcuffed and being escorted out of the casino. I’m not condoning violence against women, but this begs the honest question: What if that’s just what they’re into? If two guys can shove mayonnaise jars up each other’s asses in the privacy of their own homes, why can’t these two punch each other in an elevator? Up until the New World Order installed cameras everywhere a few years back two people alone in an elevator was still considered private. What’s next, you can’t jerk off on the airplane without being labeled a skyjacker?  Yes, that one sucked.

I’m pretty sure there are legalized dungeons all across Manhattan where you have to pay for this kind of treatment. These things progress. You start with some light choking. A year into the relationship there are some chains involved, and pretty soon you’re just clocking each other and rhetorically talking about it while you’re having passionate and bounded sex later on. We need to accept all sexual proclivities. If that means a chick likes it rougher than your taste, take a hike you dirty fucking bigot. Or she’s just locked in a vicious cycle of abuse. These aren’t all touchdowns.

Ray Rice’s Wife Has Faith

By Matt December 02, 2014 @ 6:38 AM

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Ray Rice’s wife talked to Matt Lauer as he was pretending to pay attention while looking through his Little Black Book of his friend’s wives he is going to bang. Janay Rice believes it was divine intervention that led her fiance to pull a King Hippo across her face.

“I feel like God chose me and Ray for a reason, and it was definitely to bring awareness to what people are going through every day.”

She may want to look at the nurture side of this equation. Sure God often chooses wife beaters to get his point across when Clooney is busy filming, but it usually isn’t that complex. Sometimes you’re simply from a broken home and realistic about your options. Keep sucking his dick once a week and pretending its not gross. At least for the next 4.5 years or whatever the prenup stipulates. Spend your settlement on a graffiti artist to slander your dead alcoholic father’s tombstone. You may have beat my mom but I just drew a world class dick on your everlasting effigy. The Lord works in mysterious ways.

Photo Credit: Getty Images 

Ray Rice Back In the Job Market

By Matt December 01, 2014 @ 7:54 AM

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An appeals judge ruled that Roger Goodell is a fucking liar and didn’t discover any new evidence after first suspending Ray Rice just a couple games then later changing it until the end of time because of public pressure. Rice is now eligible to join whatever team will embrace the big old girlfriend slugging teddy bear. It’s hard to imagine any franchise is going to sign Rice to play for their team, not this year at least. Michael Vick made a come back after assassinating dogs but that was after serving serious jail time and pretending it taught him a valuable lesson about humanity. Rice and his now wife have continued to treat this as a private spat so Rice has never had the chance to fake cry on TV and beg for forgiveness. America loves that mea culpa shit even more than even obesity and modifying tractors. At least Rice will always have a topper to the ‘I’ve got the best woman ever’ claim by any dude ever at a party. If you’ve slugged your wife in front of the whole world and her first thought was how you probably needed more hummers to ease your tension, you win. Her, not so much.

Ray Rice Momentarily Accepted

By Matt November 25, 2014 @ 7:44 AM

Rach

It’s hard being a pariah in America these days. Ray Rice is doing all the right things to put the ball back in his court. He’s been baptized and limits his booze intake solely to fortified wine. He even takes his sick dog to the vet. That’s where he met Rachel, a fine looking young lady who may not be the college type. Rachel asked Rice for a photo because he was a black dude who looked like someone vaguely familiar. Better safe than sorry in these situations. Snap the photo and ask the girls on the basketball team later. That’s when she discovered the mystery rapper/athlete/mogul was The Ray Rice and posted her revelation to Twitter. I’m no supporter of Rice, but doesn’t this violate the athlete/annoying retarded fan photo op code of ethics? If you want a picture with some guy at least know who he is. You can’t go around bothering every black dude for a photo and captioning it with their rap sheet once you’ve narrowed down his identity. This is why athletes hate the fans who don’t give them head. I was betting on Nick Cannon.

Photo credit: Rachel Prosser / Twitter

Ray Rice Praying For Pranksters

By Matt October 29, 2014 @ 8:02 AM

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Ray Rice and his punch drunk wife let it be known they are praying for the people dressing as abusive Ray Rice for Halloween. Apparently the pair disapproves of those who would make light of domestic violence, as opposed to those who flagrantly traffic in it. What Rice fails to understand is the people dressing as Ray Rice aren’t going home to beat their wives. It’s only mildly funny because you would never actually do such a cowardly thing to a woman. They aren’t mocking domestic violence, they are mocking you for being the asshole who nearly punched his wife into a coma in an Atlantic City casino. I bet Satan gets the joke when hot chicks dress up in devil costumes.

Photo Credit: Instagram