Ray Rice Might Play And Shit Around The Web

By Jack October 20, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

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It looks like Ray Rice’s indefinite suspension may not be so indefinite. He may get to play as soon as next month. If you think about it, he’s less likely to hit his wife if he gets to spend Sundays with the guys. If you think about it.

Read all about Ray Rice’s lucky break. (The Superficial)

Apparently, it’s not too late to make some money off Fappening extortion. (TMZ)

Kim Kardashian dresses like a whore to go to Taco Bell. Surprised? (Huffington Post)

Maryna Linchuk naked in Allure Russia will make your wiener’s day. (Drunken Stepfather)

But let me tell you about Rita Ora’s tits. They are big. (Hollywood Tuna)

All I want for Chanukah is Natasha Barnard in lingerie. (Popoholic)

The rise and fall of a giant French art butt plug. (Dlisted)

Ray Rice Claims He Was Mis-Framed

By Matt September 22, 2014 @ 11:14 AM

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Ray Rice’s chief line of defense in appealing his indefinite suspension from the NFL will reportedly be that his World Star Hip Hop Wife Fight was unfairly edited. The video making rounds was released by TMZ, and aside from it sparking an unsolicited meltdown from your one lesbian friend at Happy Hour, it also fucked up Rice’s fight scene continuity. TMZ edited out the boring parts of Rice’s knockout like ESPN does the uneventful rounds on Friday Night Fight re runs. TMZ explained they originally released the full version of the incident and then cut it down because their audience lacks the control to halt their sweets indulging while hemming for something gratuitous as they complain about not finding any Real Men Out There. TMZ explained:

“As we initially reported, the original raw video was jerky . . . so we removed the reverse frames.”

I’m no James Cameron, which is why I am suspicious of this explanation since it offers no elaboration. Its like listening to Dr Oz talk about toxins. Every fiber tells you it’s bullshit but you are too dumb to explain why. Rice will most likely be proven correct on a technicality, yet the NFL lacks three branches of government and he will still be 9 ironed on his way out of arbitration by Goodell’s thugs. There are a lot of ways to take this, but being an argumentative asshole who got kicked out of the party is not going to get you back into it.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Ray Rice Is All About Sacrifice

By Matt September 12, 2014 @ 12:06 PM

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Ray Rice has stopped drinking hard liquor after belting his lady unconscious. Rice reportedly still drinks, but just wine, like men of God and the homeless. It’s sacrifices like that which make this country great. If you get caught on camera punching your fiancee and your attempt at damage control is to stop drinking liquor yet continue getting loaded on Carlo Rossi, you might just be getting closer to Jesus. Every drunk has tried some variant of this lesser-proof compromise before rehab. It results in them being just as wasted and more bloated. As any veteran trailer park resident can attest, you can get loaded enough on Busch to beat your dog and your wife. Red wine is a good wife beater drink because it leaves those unsavory stains on your white tank top, which really lets the chick know you mean business. My mother always said that once you get loaded and punch out a lady, you should cool it on the booze for five to sevent months. Of course wine doesn’t count, which makes it a solid option to fill a Double Big Gulp with as you drive to your anger redirection meeting.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Ray Rice Is Killing Jobs

By Lex September 12, 2014 @ 10:32 AM

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If you’re a public figure and you have something to say about Ray Rice other than ‘that motherfucker should hang, peace out’, you ought shut the fuck up if you want to keep your job. Ted Robinson, the radio broadcaster for the 49ers and U.S Open tennis guy, is the latest to take a rip and a two-week suspension for suggesting that Janay Rice might ought have conduced herself differently in the Ray Rice saga. You might as well asked Senator McCarthy ought we not consider the positive benefits of Communism during one of his Congressional hearings.

As with most of these suspension worthy comments, Robinson didn’t mention anything about Ray Rice being innocent or a good guy or framed or being unfairly tarnished or that his girlfriend deserved to be punched or that hitting women was okay or that we ought to ignore domestic abuse. Nope. He said Janay Rice should’ve come out right away and given a full and honest account of just how badly Ray hit her instead of standing by her Raging Bull and then marrying him. Not because Ted Robinson is an asshole, he might be, I don’t know. But because he believes this is the way to send the clearest message against domestic abuse and avoid unnecessary fallout.

However, anything remotely associated with blaming the victim calls for the claxons of hysteria to be unleashed. Even though, and here goes my own job for two weeks, Janay’s post-beating commitment to Ray Rice and unwillingness to see him punished or prosecuted clearly led to a lack of aggressive legal charges or NFL league punishments.

Political correctness really is a vile thing. Please don’t tell anybody I said that.  I’m too handsome for Orwellian prison.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Janay Rice Scolds America

By Lex September 09, 2014 @ 9:34 AM

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I can appreciate a woman who stands by her man. At least when she’s not unconscious with an elevator door banging on her cranium so she can do so. Janay Rice came out this morning on Instagram and scolded America for sticking their noses in her and her husband’s personal affairs, not to mention killing his sweet fucking NFL paycheck.

I woke up this morning feeling like I had a horrible nightmare, feeling like I’m mourning the death of my closest friend. But to have to accept the fact that it’s reality is a nightmare in itself. No one knows the pain that the media & unwanted options from the public has caused my family. To make us relive a moment in our lives that we regret every day is a horrible thing. To take something away from the man I love that he has worked his ass of for all his life just to gain ratings is horrific. THIS IS OUR LIFE! What don’t you all get. If your intentions were to hurt us, embarrass us, make us feel alone, take all happiness away, you’ve succeeded on so many levels. Just know we will continue to grow & show the world what real love is! Ravensnation we love you!”

The San Dimas High School football rules shout out at the end is a capper to what could be a truly inspired rant on the media intruding well beyond reason into personal lives of celebrities. I’m pretty damn libertarian when it comes to privacy rights though I draw the line at women or children raped or bleeding. You want to whack your kid’s ass for talking back, good for you and good for society. Your wife wants to stick around while you call her cunty cunt the cunt face all day long while high on juice, that’s just VH-1 television. No harm no foul. But you can’t deck your girlfriend in an Atlantic City casino. How is that remotely a private matter?

Remember when O.J. joked about how many times the cops came to his house to break up a nasty fight between he and Nicole? Yeah, that was funny. Every adult in this country has the Jesus-given right to do shit so stupid it’ll get you killed. You can swerve in between SUVs on your motorcycle on a Los Angeles freeway or bareback prostitutes in Tijuana with herpes sores so swollen and large you can order an Uber to their location. But you don’t have the right to do shit so stupid it’ll get other people killed. Yes, even if they have it coming.

Also, stop ruining the sanctity and wholesomeness of casinos. Some of us have children running unsupervised around there.

Ray Rice Punches Out

By Lex September 08, 2014 @ 3:06 PM

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Ray Rice suspended indefinitely and cut from the Ravens. Fuck, things move fast in the world of NFL knee jerk responses to media pressure.

Anybody who imagines the NFL as an office full of jocks drinking brews and having yucks has no idea of the corporate nature of the multi-billion dollar business. It’s a serious enterprise filled with serious people and large legal teams enforcing many rules. When the NFL investigates misconduct, it’s not Jim Otto hobbling around in a Columbo coat asking a couple questions before a long afternoon nap. It’s a team of well-paid investigators and attorneys digging deep for any and all information, mostly to cover the asses of this lucrative big business.

The NFL claims before today they didn’t see the inside-the-elevator videotape of Ray Rice punching his fiancee into the land of romantic wedding dreams. Peter King of SI wrote that people in the NFL office did. It doesn’t matter. The NFL knew Ray Rice punched his girlfriend in the face and knocked her out and then dragged her halfway out of an elevator at an Atlantic City casino. The entire world saw that before Ray Rice was given a paltry two game suspension by Commissioner Roger Goodell and not sanctioned at all by his own team. Hours after the actual punching video is leaked by the vaunted TMZ Sports canard, Ray Rice is suspended indefinitely by the NFL and released by the Ravens. Even though not a single fact in the case changed.

In July, the NFL made the wrong decision for the right reason. Now they’re making the right decision for the wrong reason. I’m not sure what it is about professional sports league offices that cause them to take binders full of solid evidence and adjudicate matters with the twisted logic of a teen girl on her first menstrual cycle.

Photo credit: Getty Images