Ray Rice Praying For Pranksters

By Matt October 29, 2014 @ 8:02 AM

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Ray Rice and his punch drunk wife let it be known they are praying for the people dressing as abusive Ray Rice for Halloween. Apparently the pair disapproves of those who would make light of domestic violence, as opposed to those who flagrantly traffic in it. What Rice fails to understand is the people dressing as Ray Rice aren’t going home to beat their wives. It’s only mildly funny because you would never actually do such a cowardly thing to a woman. They aren’t mocking domestic violence, they are mocking you for being the asshole who nearly punched his wife into a coma in an Atlantic City casino. I bet Satan gets the joke when hot chicks dress up in devil costumes.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Claudia Romani Bikini All Fours And Shit Around The Web

By Jack October 28, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

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Rather than importing Ebola and bauxite, we should think about stepping up the number of foreign girls who crawl on all fours on the beaches of this great country. Ebola, kills. Bauxite, no clue what that is. Hot girls in bikinis with their ass in the air? We have to agree that’s good for America.

Claudia Romani has an ass made for bikinis and gentle vibrations (Egotastic)

Read all about how Ray Rice thinks he’s better than you. (TMZ)

Taylor Swift knows as much about New York as a fucking Kalahari bushman. (HuffPo)

Wanna see Hilary Duff’s titty surgery scar? Yeah, you do. (Drunken Stepfather)

Ana Braga’s tits affect the tides they are so big. (Hollywood Tuna)

Vanessa Hudgen’s cleavage makes my dick sing “High School Musical” songs. (Popoholic)

That guy your girlfriend diddles herself to will probably play Doctor Strange. (The Superficial)

Julia Roberts wants you to know she achieved her horsey face without surgery. (Dlisted)

Ray Rice Might Play And Shit Around The Web

By Jack October 20, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

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It looks like Ray Rice’s indefinite suspension may not be so indefinite. He may get to play as soon as next month. If you think about it, he’s less likely to hit his wife if he gets to spend Sundays with the guys. If you think about it.

Read all about Ray Rice’s lucky break. (The Superficial)

Apparently, it’s not too late to make some money off Fappening extortion. (TMZ)

Kim Kardashian dresses like a whore to go to Taco Bell. Surprised? (Huffington Post)

Maryna Linchuk naked in Allure Russia will make your wiener’s day. (Drunken Stepfather)

But let me tell you about Rita Ora’s tits. They are big. (Hollywood Tuna)

All I want for Chanukah is Natasha Barnard in lingerie. (Popoholic)

The rise and fall of a giant French art butt plug. (Dlisted)

Ray Rice Claims He Was Mis-Framed

By Matt September 22, 2014 @ 11:14 AM

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Ray Rice’s chief line of defense in appealing his indefinite suspension from the NFL will reportedly be that his World Star Hip Hop Wife Fight was unfairly edited. The video making rounds was released by TMZ, and aside from it sparking an unsolicited meltdown from your one lesbian friend at Happy Hour, it also fucked up Rice’s fight scene continuity. TMZ edited out the boring parts of Rice’s knockout like ESPN does the uneventful rounds on Friday Night Fight re runs. TMZ explained they originally released the full version of the incident and then cut it down because their audience lacks the control to halt their sweets indulging while hemming for something gratuitous as they complain about not finding any Real Men Out There. TMZ explained:

“As we initially reported, the original raw video was jerky . . . so we removed the reverse frames.”

I’m no James Cameron, which is why I am suspicious of this explanation since it offers no elaboration. Its like listening to Dr Oz talk about toxins. Every fiber tells you it’s bullshit but you are too dumb to explain why. Rice will most likely be proven correct on a technicality, yet the NFL lacks three branches of government and he will still be 9 ironed on his way out of arbitration by Goodell’s thugs. There are a lot of ways to take this, but being an argumentative asshole who got kicked out of the party is not going to get you back into it.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Ray Rice Is All About Sacrifice

By Matt September 12, 2014 @ 12:06 PM

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Ray Rice has stopped drinking hard liquor after belting his lady unconscious. Rice reportedly still drinks, but just wine, like men of God and the homeless. It’s sacrifices like that which make this country great. If you get caught on camera punching your fiancee and your attempt at damage control is to stop drinking liquor yet continue getting loaded on Carlo Rossi, you might just be getting closer to Jesus. Every drunk has tried some variant of this lesser-proof compromise before rehab. It results in them being just as wasted and more bloated. As any veteran trailer park resident can attest, you can get loaded enough on Busch to beat your dog and your wife. Red wine is a good wife beater drink because it leaves those unsavory stains on your white tank top, which really lets the chick know you mean business. My mother always said that once you get loaded and punch out a lady, you should cool it on the booze for five to sevent months. Of course wine doesn’t count, which makes it a solid option to fill a Double Big Gulp with as you drive to your anger redirection meeting.

Photo Credit: Twitter 

Ray Rice Is Killing Jobs

By Lex September 12, 2014 @ 10:32 AM

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If you’re a public figure and you have something to say about Ray Rice other than ‘that motherfucker should hang, peace out’, you ought shut the fuck up if you want to keep your job. Ted Robinson, the radio broadcaster for the 49ers and U.S Open tennis guy, is the latest to take a rip and a two-week suspension for suggesting that Janay Rice might ought have conduced herself differently in the Ray Rice saga. You might as well asked Senator McCarthy ought we not consider the positive benefits of Communism during one of his Congressional hearings.

As with most of these suspension worthy comments, Robinson didn’t mention anything about Ray Rice being innocent or a good guy or framed or being unfairly tarnished or that his girlfriend deserved to be punched or that hitting women was okay or that we ought to ignore domestic abuse. Nope. He said Janay Rice should’ve come out right away and given a full and honest account of just how badly Ray hit her instead of standing by her Raging Bull and then marrying him. Not because Ted Robinson is an asshole, he might be, I don’t know. But because he believes this is the way to send the clearest message against domestic abuse and avoid unnecessary fallout.

However, anything remotely associated with blaming the victim calls for the claxons of hysteria to be unleashed. Even though, and here goes my own job for two weeks, Janay’s post-beating commitment to Ray Rice and unwillingness to see him punished or prosecuted clearly led to a lack of aggressive legal charges or NFL league punishments.

Political correctness really is a vile thing. Please don’t tell anybody I said that.  I’m too handsome for Orwellian prison.

Photo credit: Getty Images