Ray Rice Gets Not So Punished

By Matt July 25, 2014 @ 6:13 AM

The NFL suspended Ravens running back Ray Rice two games for knocking out his fiancee and dragging her by her hair. The pair have since married because when you can fell your lady with one punch, it’s like pulling Excalibur from the stone, it’s preordained that she’s your bitch. Rice is now in an intensive treatment program that tells people not to knock their fiancees completely unconscious because hair dragging is very caveman and looks shitty on security cameras. Apparently the 130 pound chick was not so innocent, which the Ravens made sure to Tweet out of faieness:

“Janay Rice says she deeply regrets the role that she played the night of the incident.”

The Ravens followed up by clarifying the Sandusky kids played a role in their rape assaults as well by taking showers after practice. Two games for beating the shit out of a girlfriend seems light in a league where you get harsher suspensions for smoking weed or taking the steroids your team doctor is throwing in your back window under cover of darkness. The lesson here is to stay away from running backs. Short guys with thick legs have bad tempers. I know you think that’s a generalization, but when you look around at the guys you know like this, you’ll see I’m right. It’s God’s way of tipping you off to make your exit when that mini-Mac truck starts drinking.

Cameras Have Made It Much Harder to Beat Women

By Lex February 19, 2014 @ 7:16 PM

All those tried and true excuses of walking cluelessly into a wall or taking an accidental stumble down the stairs have been pretty much eliminated by the omnipresence of security cameras. Back in the day, a man could teach his woman a lesson without concern for surveillance footage fucking up his go-to alibi. I bet Ray Rice hates cameras. And not just the instant replay cameras that confirm his ruled fumbles on the field. But those pesky closed circuit models in Atlantic City hotels. Like the one that caught him dragging his unconscious fiancee out of an elevator after witnesses claimed she spit on him so he uppercut her to the jaw. To be fair, I think several others saw it as a right jab. You’d be surprised just how unconscious a woman can become from even the most fleeting of punches from a ball player who can bench 400+. Ray’s lawyers had to shift their agreed upon lies once the videotape appeared, now asking the public to consider the fact that videotapes are merely 99.9% photo-accurate representations of reality, not a complete picture:

However, the video that’s being posted by TMZ Sports is not the complete event, but is merely the end result of what transpired. We’ll assure the public that when this matter is fully tried and completed, you’ll have a better understanding of what happened and we ask the public to reserve making any judgment until all of the facts come out.

Hell yeah you need to wait until all of the facts come out. Like maybe he feigned with his left before going with his right to the mandible. Did he know she had a glass jaw? Was that part of his corner’s game plan to take her to the mat? Plus I’m pretty sure we’re going to learn that she disrespected him. Everybody knows that’s no good. You’re not allowed access to the staircases in those hotels, so how else was he supposed to learn her a lesson? Personally, I’m reserving judgement like the man asked.