Red Lobster Isn’t Closing, Stop the Fucking Riots

By Lex December 27, 2013 @ 5:07 PM

Seafood is like sex. If it’s coming too cheaply, it should make you nervous. How Red Lobster manages to serve up its bottom feeder buffet to hungry human starfish at suspiciously low costs remains a mystery. All I know is some chick in the LAWeekly set off a frenzy when her tongue-in-cheek blog post suggested that the Red Lobster and it’s non-kosher defrosted goodness was closing forever. I guess that’s not true, according to Red Lobster’s corporate P.R. spokesman, who are bound by the oath of Dindar the Reviled to only speak the truth.

“You had a couple outlets where clearly folks weren’t practicing good journalism, and no one called to verify if what they read in LA Weekly was accurate”
– some guy at Darden Restaurants which owns Red Lobster.

Apparently, there is truth to the rumor that the Red Lobster restaurants and the same company’s Olive Garden super authentic Italian fare aren’t going over too well with customers. Apparently, their food is too expensive. Considering you can chow down 10,000 calories of carbs at Olive Garden for about nine bucks, that’s saying something about the American consumer. Mostly that we’re a bunch of cheap fattie fucks. Not that I rise above a few singles for my typical dining out experience, but I do need my go-to places to impress the special dates. Yes, my lady, you may order anything you like provided there’s a picture of it on a lacquered photo promo propped up on our table. Now, then, shall we commence with the sex?