Oscar Pistorius Had Angry Blue Balls

By Matt October 27, 2014 @ 8:01 AM

Reeva

Reeva Steenkamp’s mom wrote a book about her daughter because it’s not a tragedy until somebody gets a publishing deal. Mom claims Reeva would not allow Pistorius to have sex with her during the entire time they dated. I actually just assume dating means fucking so now mom’s got me confused.┬áThese two must have ridden a lot of Ferris wheels and eaten a lot of ice cream. According to Mom, Pistorius was a violent lunatic who couldn’t handle the fact that Steenkamp was planning to leave him. Sure, easy to cast aspersions after a guy shoots your daughter a half dozen times through a closed bathroom door. People should start writing these books before murders go down.

Maybe the months and months of blue balls finally caught up with Pistorius. It’s one thing to have no lower legs, an entirely different thing to have a ninety-day nut. I’m not condoning the murder, I’m just imagining sleeping next to a naked model who won’t let me touch her night after night and thinking maybe I heard a dangerous intruder in my bathroom as well. As always, the moral of the story is not to date men high tech titanium blades for feet. Just plain assholes. Find a man with old school stumps and make him your husband and you’ll never be sorry.

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Oscar Pistorius Bounces

By Jack March 28, 2013 @ 2:46 PM

Cyborg probable murderer Oscar Pistorius was granted permission by a South African judge to travel overseas and compete. You’ll recall that the world famous Olympian was accused of shooting his girlfriend…. four times. According to Oscar, he thought she was just a super hot home invasion robber. Oscar was allowed out while his trial was set up but can now pretty much go about his life like before. It just goes to show you that things are the same all over the world. If you are rich and famous you get away with murder, sometimes literally. I say not only should this motherfucker not be allowed to leave the country, they should take away his fancy space age blade legs. Give him two wooden peg legs like a pirate and see if he can hobble away from justice. It’s rough, but less rough than being shot four times by the dude who you’re sleeping with.

Here’s model Reeva Steenkamp who Oscar Pistorious shot, four times, just to be sure she wasn’t getting up again.