Ricky Gervais hosted the Golden Globes for the third time last night, and for once people probably won’t spend an entire week saying his monologue was too mean to all the big stars.
There was one joke about how he doesn’t know any guys who have seen Jodie Fosters ‘Beaver’, but that’s entirely her fault for naming her movie ‘the Beaver’. What the hell did she expect? Other than that his best line was probably about Kim Kardasian:
“The Golden Globes are to the Oscars what Kim Kardashian is to Kate Middleton. A bit louder, a bit trashier, a bit drunker and more easily bought.”
That’s actually more insulting to Kate Middleton than it is to Kim Kardashian. Kate and Kim shouldn’t be compared in any way. And if Kim Kardashian was an awards show it would the AVNs, if for no other reason than they both have a slot exclusively for black men.
All awards shows are inherently unbearable, except for when you get to see famous people pout and/or get made fun of. So with that in mind it’s fantastic news that Ricky Gervais has agreed to come back for a third time and host the 2012 Golden Globes. Because he’ll stand there and make fun of people and they just have to sit there like assholes and take it and he doesn’t give a fuck if they cry. In fact when Piers Morgan went on twitter yesterday and asked Ricky…
“please can I have the first ‘Sorry if I offended anyone’ interview after the 2012 Golden Globes, like last time?”
He should invite Lindsay Lohan and put her in the front row and then open by saying that was a mistake and she has to leave and then take out a big dildo with a white powder on it and wave it in front of her and say, “come on girl, come on, go get it”, and then throw it toward the exit. That would be a good way to ease into some of his edgier material.
(the video is from Rickys new show on BBC, ‘Lifes Too Short’ starring Warwick Davis)
CHRIS EVANS - is on the cover of the new issue of Empire, and only a country as bad ass as America could have a superhero like this. What would the French one be, some pedophile in a smock holding a baguette? You can suck it, France! (empire)
RICKY GERVAIS - has been asked to host the Golden Globes again next year, because the ratings were up again, but doesn’t think he should because he doesn’t think the show could have been any better. Here’s a suggestion: trap doors for the losers. (hollywood reporter)
TYLER PERRY - is famous for playing a sassy old lady, but now he’ll play the lead in I, Alex Cross, the character originally played by Morgan Freeman in the movies Kiss the Girls and Along Came a Spider. I have to assume the producer agreed to this while duct taped to a chair and with Perrys agent forcing the pen in to his hand. That dude is a good agent! (variety)
JOAQUIN PHOENIX - may unretire to play the mentor in Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, with Benjamin Walker playing Lincoln. Rule 1 with vampire hunting: just go out there and have fun. (deadline)
RICKY GERVAIS - reprized his role as David Brent on the Office last night, and it really was a great scene, right up until it began. (celebuzz)
TRACEY MORGAN - was live on Inside The NBA last night from Madison Square Garden, and when Charles Barkley asked him to choose between Tina Fey and Sarah Palin, he said, “Let me tell you about Sarah Palin man. That’s some good masturbation material.” Hopefully she’ll take that as the very flattering compliment that he intended. (ted williams head)
LEA MICHELLE - is the star of Glee, which is on Fox, and she’ll sing “America, the Beautiful” at the Superbowl. Which will be aired on Fox. Finally, they figured out a way to promote that show a little. (e!)
SELENA GOMEZ - is reportedly in a topless phone pic being shopped around, but her reps are denying that it’s her. And yes that’s the picture in question in the headline. I’m sure it’s fake but it’s hard to tell. I haven’t seen Selena Gomez naked as many times as you might think. (celebuzz)
THE OFFICE - will have a huge guest star next week when Ricky Gervais appears as David Brent (who of course was the main character in the original version of the Office in England). Though now that I think about it, all this does is make me want to watch the original. Which was way better. It would be like if you went on a date with a girl, and she brought a hotter, sluttier friend with her. Way to go NBC. (aint it cool)
JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE - reportedly cheated on Jessica Biel with Olivia Munn a few months ago, and now he may be texting her again, claiming his relationship with Biel is through. In his defense, it might be true. Not in his defense, he’s a little weenie. (huff post)
MEL GIBSON - will probably face criminal charges for hitting Oksana Grigorieva, but his attorney Blair Berk had a meeting late Tuesday afternoon with the DA to try and get out of it. She should have given herself a black eye before she went, then said, “please, please don’t make me go back there with bad news.” It probably wouldn’t work, but I mean he’s screwed anyway so why not go for it. (radar)
As you know, Ricky Gervais didn’t exactly endear himself to some people in Hollywood Sunday night as host of the Golden Globes, because they felt his jokes crossed some line and were too mean or too personal.
So when it was her time to go on stage and present an award, Jennifer Lopez, an egomaniac who can’t handle any criticism, went and told Gervais she would jump him after the show if he said anything bad about her.
Lopez said: “I was sitting in the audience and was thinking, ‘Oh my God, what’s he gonna say about me?’
“So I went backstage and I got him, right before we were about to go out. I can’t say everything I said - because you’d have to bleep me - but I told him, ‘Listen, I’m from the Bronx, I fight, my husband fights - we’ll beat you up after the show. I mean it!’
“He was like, ‘No, it’s not that bad. I promise you’ll like it - it’s funny!’ But I scared him.”
Shut your mouth little girl. My dick weighs more than Marc Anthony, probably taller too, so please, by all means, have him come fight me. And I would never ever advocate hitting a girl, but I would definitely push Jennifer Lopez if she tried to punch me. Hard. Hard enough where she’d roll, at least twice. And that is not a girl built for rolling. That ass probably hits the ground like a sandbag, so you can imagine how hard I’m gonna push her.
