I like when people have problems but declare them null and void because they ‘own them’. Fat people do this a lot. Their rotund carcasses barely contained in elastic pants like an enormous human sausage. But they own that shit, so it’s a bad thing turned on its head. It’s actually a good thing. I bet Rihanna owns being beat by Chris Brown and then going back to him. You can’t touch her on that one. She owns it. It’s like immunity. The only thing more powerful than owning, is confessing. Once you confess to something, people just forgive the shit out of you. Doing something lousy and then confessing to it is better than not having even done it in the first place. Confess in public, with a tear even, that’s equal to owning shit and confessing to the exponential of fourteen. You can literally get away with murder, or sexting random fat chicks, provided those girls own the fact that their fat. Otherwise, the whole bullshit house of cards implodes and you’re back to just being somebody with a big fucking problem.
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Rihanna posted a picture of her ass on Instagram when her alarm went off indicating that nobody had been talking about her for over an hour. It’s not as bad as a couple years back when she found out nobody had been talking about her for an entire weekend so she got Chris Brown to punch her in the face. If she’s ever out of the spotlight for more than ten days, watch out for a school shooting.
Photo Credit: Rihanna/Instagram
Rihanna never shies from pride in her small island nation of Barbados, noted for its tourism and mob friendly offshore banking. A couple times a year Rihanna dons the local festival costumery, gets loaded, and flashes her tits and ass. It’s like Mardis Gras in New Orleans but with much better looking drunks.
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The people of Sweden are very progressive. Much like the rest of Northern Europe. They teach the young ones about sex at a very early age. They give them lots of condoms and let them sculpt STDs in bio-degradable foam in their classrooms. So nobody makes babies and the population declines and they have to import tons of people from dangerous parts of the world to fill out their labor force. But now they have Rihanna showing her tits off. Maybe some guys there with nipple piercing fetishes will go nuts and make lots of babies and turn shit around.
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I’ll say this about British people, they are a cheeky lot. When Rihanna showed up late to yet another concert, fans in Manchester started pelting the stage with potato chips. I’m not sure if this is in response to her Utz-parody Slutz shirt she wore the other day or it’s just causality from ‘chips’ being served at every single British venue anywhere ever (those pasty white people love their fucking chips). But it’s still fucking funny. Even if you discount for the fact that the people throwing the shit in disgust are people who willingly shelled out $100 to see Rihanna in concert in the first place. The brain dead still have the right to call out obnoxious behavior. By the time Rihanna got to her third ‘fuck’ into the microphone, you could tell she had it all under control.