Rihanna went to her native Barbados’ annual food and AIDS festival which celebrates Kadooment Day, a holiday which signifies the end of the sugar cain harvest and coincidentally everyone is coked out of their minds. She had a float and spent a lot of time twerking while dudes creepily stared at her ass but what do you expect. Soak up the rape culture. The festival is known for its raucous atmosphere, including a greased pole climbing competition, and buckets upon buckets of ass sweat being spilled onto boiling hot asphalt and promptly licked up by roaming backs of wild rabies ridden jackals. Say what you want about Rihanna’s musical talent, I’m still waiting, but she’s definitely got a great ass. Perhaps it will try writing a song some day.
Rihanna’s new music video Bitch Better Have My Money has all the elements of a successful composition. Rihanna’s tits. There’s a ton of shit in here I don’t understand. Who are the bitches? What have they done with the money? But I do understand this is miles better than the Britney Spears and Iggy Azalea music video which did not include Rihanna’s tits. The video is age gated on YouTube which means you must agree that you are eighteen to watch, which seems completely unfair to the dumbest ten percent of American middle schoolers. We could lament the state of modern popular music and how this could encourage the belief among young women that flashing their naked bodies is the only way for them to get ahead in life. Who wants to live in that world? Put your top back on, Madison. Girls can drive the Zamboni now.
Photo Credit: Rihanna “Bitch Better Have My Money”
According to HollywoodLife who takes banal stories and punches them up by way of anonymous sources and lots of exclamation points, Chris Brown was jealous when Rihanna and her new soccer boyfriend entered the same club he was partying at and started fooling around. Most guys love it when chicks who dumped them get their tits felt up by their happening new boyfriends. But not Chris Brown. According to HollywoodLife, he ‘stared’ and ‘fidgeted’, which are apparently action verbs. You never forget the feel of your knuckles compressing into the cheekbone of the first girl you ever loved enough to beat. This isn’t going away, Chris. But if you fuck another thousand models, the fidget should clear up. Rapper problems. Honestly.
Thanks to modern cell phone technology, we get a glimpse into what’s really been going on at Rihanna concerts. Rihanna calls up to the stage some untold line of male and female fans to grab her tits while she grinds on their pubes. Even in a decent sized venue you’ve got a good shot at Rihanna riding your privates until you front soil your shorts. I’d pay seventy bucks plus another twenty to Ticketmaster for that. I pay more at the local gentleman’s club and the girls working me over don’t own eight Grammy’s. This is like he local skate shop selling dank weed out of the back. You want business to be good, but not too good. Mediocre skate product is your best cover. Well played, Rihanna. I call next.
Rihanna wore a completely see-through outfit at the Met Gala after-party because you probably can’t name one of her albums, but you can probably trace her tits with your eyes closed. She’s a groundbreaking musical artist in the genre of being mostly naked. She was about the first celebrity to have her smart phone photos hacked. She didn’t give a shit. She turned it into gold. I think she’s smarter than you. I know she’s smarter than me. I’d hug her if I wasn’t afraid of Caribbean AIDS.
The Huffington Post is so ripe with click bait money they likely don’t think twice about shilling for brand sponsors without bothering to label their content as such. Since you follow Rihanna’s career closely, you’ll remember Puma took a break from shining Nazi memorabilia in their basement Hall of Honor to name Rihanna their creative director and global brand ambassador and also run their company snack shop on Tuesdays. Apparently, HuffPo was counting the days until the first ad campaign came out:
Ever since the singer inked a reported $1 million deal to serve as the brand’s global ambassador, we knew an epic ad campaign was in the works. And let us tell you, it does not disappoint.The Bajan beauty looks fierce as hell wearing a midriff-baring top, leggings and, of course, the company’s new Pulse XT sneakers. We’re not sure about you, but Riri looks so cool, we want to run to our nearest Puma store and buy the look.
I’m sure about me. Stop running commercials in the place of the banal content we’ve come to expect. Millennials need to form their baseless opinions somewhere and that somewhere is your low cost farm of millennials whose featured skill is zero hesitation in using the word ‘epic’ and ‘cool’ to describe a picture of Rihanna selling shoes. I stand with Morgan Freeman. Fuck the media. I’m canceling my subscription to everything but Jet.