Photo Credit: Rihanna
Photo Credit: Rihanna
Chris Brown was let out of jail after serving eleven minutes of his one year sentence due to prison overcrowding and a tacit understanding that the world is just more fun when Chris Brown is out there throwing punches. Chris thanked God and his lawyers and said he was getting back to his fans and the music, which is code for weed and ordering his bodyguards to beat up strangers. Across the country in New York, Rihanna instinctively had her tits on display to serve as a beacon for Chris’ sexually charged driving directions app. The two will mate and produce a cluster of fertilized eggs Rihanna will lay deep beneath the nightclub where Chris first asked her to be his top bitch. This apocalyptic prophecy is all written down in Chris and Rihanna’s songs, if anybody would just be willing to listen.
Photo Credit: Getty, FameFlynet
Charlie Sheen still believes that he’s one of the most important people in the world, so if he walks into a restaurant and sees another celebrity that his fiancée, Brett Rossi, wants to meet, that celebrity better fucking comply, or else he will let them feel his wrath. Rihanna was the latest example last week, because even though Charlie claimed he had no clue who Rihanna was at the time, he “sent a request” to her table for a meeting, because that’s what his latest future ex-wife wanted for her birthday. Rihanna declined and the rest is one ridiculous twitter rant for the ages.
Last week, rapper Drake and his on again/off again girlfriend Rihanna reportedly ended things again because he “loves her too much,” which is the sort of thing that is said about a guy before he’s sent away to prison for sawing a woman’s head off and filling her skull with his own hair. And because he loves Rihanna too much, Drake is already back together with his other on again/off again girlfriend, Brandy Price, which makes her look like she just took the door off the hinges and told the mopiest rapper in the game to stop by any time that he wants to post her photo on Instagram. In a week or so, Drake will realize that he kisses Brandy too gently and needs to move on to another of his former girlfriends, and hopefully he’ll eventually meet the right woman who lives just on the other side of a really busy highway.
I had to stop paying attention to Donald Sterling after hearing about V. Stiviano and his crinkled peen. It’s like walking in on your parents having sex, if your dad is 80 and your mom is a young Mexican hooker wearing a dental hygienists visor. But Rihanna isn’t aborting her civil rights vigilance. Sometimes, it’s easy to forget the role celebrities play in advancing important social causes through both re-Tweets and attending George Clooney birthday parties. Rihanna is a proud black woman and if Donald Sterling doesn’t want black people at his games, I mean, he didn’t say that, but let’s assume he did, then how about Rihanna without a bra showing off her tits courtside. Eat that crow on a Magic Johnson The AIDS contaminated plate, Donald. Rihanna’s tits are the Rosa Parks of tits. That doesn’t make sense. Neither does racism.
Photo credit: Getty / Splash
If there’s one thing Mark Zuckerberg can’t abide it’s nipples. Big old ripe areola on the ends of female breasts. It drives him into an Aspy billionaire panic. He so much as a sees a nipple, and he starts batch emailing the private records of hundreds of millions of his users to the NSA with a short note, ‘Internment camps? I won’t tell’. You can get away with a lot of vicious scummy self-destructive behavior on Facebook and Instagram, but you show a nipple and you are gone. Instagram warned Rihanna to cut back on the titty flashing pics, she posted more, and they put her account on hold. Then, they remembered she was Rihanna and restored it and pretended like nothing happened:
Yesterday, we briefly disabled the account by mistake and restored it quickly. I can confirm that we have not deleted the account subsequently,” Alison Schumer of Instagram’s public relations team.
Well, Alison, we all have to pay the rent so I can’t fault you for being the shill they made lie. Remember, when you meet Zuckerberg at the annual employee’s picnic, soft handshakes bad. Also, wear a padded bra.
Photo Credit: Rihanna/Instagram