By Lex June 09, 2014 @ 4:15 PM
Recording artist TLC is following in the age old tradition of pointlessly talking shit about other women by calling out Rihanna for selling her sex instead of her musical talent. That charge assumes Rihanna has a choice in the matter.
Every time I see you, you don’t have to be naked. We became the biggest girl selling group of all time with our clothes on and that says a lot. We could go around too with booby cakes out all day long.
Twenty years ago, I would have killed to see those booby cakes. Now, ladies, please keep them taters in their sacks. TLC always prided themselves on their agenda of family friendly music, safe sex messaging, and occasionally Lisa Lopes burning down her boyfriend’s mansion with a lighter. I don’t know why the still mostly living T-Boz and Chilli have to get all up in Rihanna’s face for grinding her flower and flashing her boobs in most of her public appearances. Nobody yelled at Michelangelo for sculpting nudes. Like Rihanna, that’s just how he learned to get paid. When will women realize that they need to build each other up if they’re ever going to break through that glass ceiling? I’m silently voting for never. There’s enough competition as it is. Plus, I dig the shit out of girl fights.
Photo credit: Splash News
By Lex June 03, 2014 @ 11:48 AM
Chris Brown was let out of jail after serving eleven minutes of his one year sentence due to prison overcrowding and a tacit understanding that the world is just more fun when Chris Brown is out there throwing punches. Chris thanked God and his lawyers and said he was getting back to his fans and the music, which is code for weed and ordering his bodyguards to beat up strangers. Across the country in New York, Rihanna instinctively had her tits on display to serve as a beacon for Chris’ sexually charged driving directions app. The two will mate and produce a cluster of fertilized eggs Rihanna will lay deep beneath the nightclub where Chris first asked her to be his top bitch. This apocalyptic prophecy is all written down in Chris and Rihanna’s songs, if anybody would just be willing to listen.
Photo Credit: Getty, FameFlynet
By Travis May 27, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
Charlie Sheen still believes that he’s one of the most important people in the world, so if he walks into a restaurant and sees another celebrity that his fiancée, Brett Rossi, wants to meet, that celebrity better fucking comply, or else he will let them feel his wrath. Rihanna was the latest example last week, because even though Charlie claimed he had no clue who Rihanna was at the time, he “sent a request” to her table for a meeting, because that’s what his latest future ex-wife wanted for her birthday. Rihanna declined and the rest is one ridiculous twitter rant for the ages.
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By Travis May 20, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
Last week, rapper Drake and his on again/off again girlfriend Rihanna reportedly ended things again because he “loves her too much,” which is the sort of thing that is said about a guy before he’s sent away to prison for sawing a woman’s head off and filling her skull with his own hair. And because he loves Rihanna too much, Drake is already back together with his other on again/off again girlfriend, Brandy Price, which makes her look like she just took the door off the hinges and told the mopiest rapper in the game to stop by any time that he wants to post her photo on Instagram. In a week or so, Drake will realize that he kisses Brandy too gently and needs to move on to another of his former girlfriends, and hopefully he’ll eventually meet the right woman who lives just on the other side of a really busy highway.
By Lex May 16, 2014 @ 2:49 PM
I had to stop paying attention to Donald Sterling after hearing about V. Stiviano and his crinkled peen. It’s like walking in on your parents having sex, if your dad is 80 and your mom is a young Mexican hooker wearing a dental hygienists visor. But Rihanna isn’t aborting her civil rights vigilance. Sometimes, it’s easy to forget the role celebrities play in advancing important social causes through both re-Tweets and attending George Clooney birthday parties. Rihanna is a proud black woman and if Donald Sterling doesn’t want black people at his games, I mean, he didn’t say that, but let’s assume he did, then how about Rihanna without a bra showing off her tits courtside. Eat that crow on a Magic Johnson The AIDS contaminated plate, Donald. Rihanna’s tits are the Rosa Parks of tits. That doesn’t make sense. Neither does racism.
Photo credit: Getty / Splash