Photo Credit: Vogue Brasil
Photo Credit: Vogue Brasil
According to completely gushing girly reports by sources close to Rihanna, she’s more in love with Drake than she was ever in love with the back of Chris Brown’s hand. The pair are completely inseparable with Drake even holding her purse offstage during her performance at the MTV movie awards last night. Drake gave her the biggest hug ever in the history of hugs when she finished her Monster duet with Eminem.
Drake loves being in her circle and wants to be around her friends and family. That’s just how he is, always accommodating, always the gentleman, always wanting to take care of Ri in the smallest of way.
He sounds super sweet. Or like a closeted sadistic homo-erotic serial killer. I guess he could be both. The only thing that matters is that Rihanna is sparkling with excitement. She deserves some pleasant memories before she stumbles upon the rows and rows of dickless hobo bodies in his basement.
People don’t appreciate the fine art of multitasking until they see Rihanna able to smoke weed, get fitted for a new bluetooth wireless headset, and point her ass toward the cumulus formations all within the span of hours. Rihanna’s funky new feminist poses ought to serve as the new caricature female in all sixth grade sexual education classes. I remember seeing that drawing of a standing naked woman and wondering how the hell I get myself up in there. But this pose, even a lemur who grew up without a daddy could figure out the slotting. If Chris Brown could only see what he’s not slapping and calling ‘bitch’ since he got locked up, I bet he’d become a much nicer guy.
Photo credit: INFPhoto
I’m sure I don’t know shit about fashion. But I do know when dining out fancy, I need to put on my pants. Nobody wants to see my undercarriage when they’re trying to eat their clams. Rihanna gets to do whatever she wants because you can’t get in trouble as a celebrity, you can only become more famous and sell more shit. So, why not dine out in your pink underwear and flash a teaser of where Chris Brown used to serenade you out of your post beat down blues. If Rihanna were my girlfriend, I’d take lots of pictures.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
Canadian chode Drake is now officially and exclusively dating Rihanna. The two annoying superstars have been rumored to be hooking up for a while. This has reportedly caused tension between Drake and Rihanna’s former lover, Chris Brown, who thinks he still owns Rihanna because you can still see his knuckle prints in her face. Rihanna really likes Drake because he’s quite and about as exciting as mold growing on a rock. Their private life together is probably equally as lame. I imagine that they get back from antiquing or watching a Canadian hockey game or whatever and settle in for a night How I Met Your Mother on TV. They then eat some leftover vegan Lo Mein and go to bed at 10pm. Maybe they have quick and passionless sex before Drake turns out the lights and cries because his ancestors were once escaped slaves in Egypt with no time for their bread to rise. This relationship should last about Chris Brown released from jail time plus one hour. He’s going to break it up with his anger and what is commonly referred to in professional wrestling parlance as a ‘foreign object’.
Singer’s have always been seen as style statements, regardless of their knowledge of the daunting science of fashion. Sometimes, when these chicks veer toward the clanging side of the intellectual bell curve, designers just say they ‘like dressing them’, which is dehumanizing, but in the good way. Rihanna seems like this. Designers like to dress Rihanna. She either doesn’t care that she’s an experiment or she’s so super fucking high she thinks she’s riding a jet-ski in Barbados. She definitely seems clueless to being in Paris freezing her nipple off looking like a largely disabled stripper from a John Cameron Mitchell version of 101 Dalmatians.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, INFphoto, Pacific Coast News