The Girls Enjoyed Their Time At the iHeart Radio Music Awards

By Lex May 02, 2014 @ 5:58 PM

Rihanna Ryan Seacrest And Jennifer Lopez Backstage At The 2014 iHeartRadio Music Awards
iHeart Radio inaugurated its first ever music awards and they went straight for the young teen girl popularity jugular. They didn’t even pretend like the Grammy’s still do or the American Music Awards or even the MTV whatever the fuck they do in between pregnant teen girls beating each other reality shows. Rihanna was awarded the best artist of the totes magotes. Then they actually gave an award to her official online fan group, the Rihanna Navy. It’s like the Mexican Navy, but with trendy tops and print skirts instead of just gonorrhea. Ariana Grande was given an award for being a young influencer. What she influences was not really spelled out, but I’m going to assume they meant underaged girls getting half naked in selfies. The pedophiles seemed pleased and applauded with one hand. Miley Cyrus won an award for best lyrics for Wrecking Ball, despite nobody pointing out that she didn’t write the song. Teen hearthrob Austin Mahone won the Instagram Award, which is the fake award you give to the dumb hot chick you’re trying to bone in your office. The award show made a big deal out of EDM since that is the genre young girls searching for even crappier music than Miley and Rihanna have turned to while waiting for boys to start having sex with them and making them listen to rock. According to all the public relations newsflashes I received, the evening was a great success. Though it would’ve been much better if Chris Brown had escaped his jail cell six blocks down and come over looking for his woman. Angry Chris Brown versus Rihanna Navy would’ve been epic.

Photo Credit: Getty

Rihanna Wants You To Look at Her Boobs

By Lex April 29, 2014 @ 1:28 PM

Rihanna Topless And Bottomless For Lui Magazine
When Al Gore saved the world by inventing the Internet, he probably didn’t even realize it would someday mean the entire human population could stare at Rihanna’s pierced tits all simultaneous and geo-synchronized. That was the quiet genius of Al Gore. Rihanna has her own bit of quiet genius. She is raising the bar for girls to show off their tits to be popular. This used to be a thing, then somebody told all the girls they should put their clothes back on and study math and science and become doctors and lawyers and gypsy fortune tellers. Suddenly, you have professional schools overrun with girls, but nobody flashing their tits outside moving car windows anymore. That’s no kind of trade-off. Thanks to Instagram and absentee parents and pop stars like Rihanna, the pendulum seems to be swinging back in favor of girls receiving attention and accolade for their titties. It might seem callous, but ask yourself this, does the world really need more lawyers?

Photo Credit: Lui Magazine

Donald Sterling Is Not Going to Like This

By Lex April 28, 2014 @ 4:51 PM

Rihanna Braless At The Brooklyn Nets Playoff Game In New York
Black girls without bras hanging out by the hallowed NBA court. Donald Sterling is going to shit fit. It’s okay to listen to Rihanna’s music, or fuck her, I mean, bleep her, but she can’t be coming to the games and sitting where everybody can see her. She might distract from the short white guys on the court tossing balls into the peach baskets.

Photo Credit: Splash

Rihanna Topless And Covered In The May 2014 Vogue Brasil Magazine

By Lex April 28, 2014 @ 11:41 AM

Rihanna Topless And Covered In The May 2014 Vogue Brasil Magazine

Photo Credit: Vogue Brasil

Rihanna Is Desperately In Love with Drake

By Lex April 14, 2014 @ 2:58 PM

Rihanna Chesty At The 2014 MTV Movie Awards
According to completely gushing girly reports by sources close to Rihanna, she’s more in love with Drake than she was ever in love with the back of Chris Brown’s hand. The pair are completely inseparable with Drake even holding her purse offstage during her performance at the MTV movie awards last night. Drake gave her the biggest hug ever in the history of hugs when she finished her Monster duet with Eminem.

Drake loves being in her circle and wants to be around her friends and family. That’s just how he is, always accommodating, always the gentleman, always wanting to take care of Ri in the smallest of way.

He sounds super sweet. Or like a closeted sadistic homo-erotic serial killer. I guess he could be both. The only thing that matters is that Rihanna is sparkling with excitement. She deserves some pleasant memories before she stumbles upon the rows and rows of dickless hobo bodies in his basement.

Photo Credit: (above) Getty (below)

Rihanna’s Ass Always Points Toward Barbados

By Lex April 10, 2014 @ 4:53 PM

People don’t appreciate the fine art of multitasking until they see Rihanna able to smoke weed, get fitted for a new bluetooth wireless headset, and point her ass toward the cumulus formations all within the span of hours. Rihanna’s funky new feminist poses ought to serve as the new caricature female in all sixth grade sexual education classes. I remember seeing that drawing of a standing naked woman and wondering how the hell I get myself up in there. But this pose, even a lemur who grew up without a daddy could figure out the slotting. If Chris Brown could only see what he’s not slapping and calling ‘bitch’ since he got locked up, I bet he’d become a much nicer guy.

Photo credit: INFPhoto