By Travis May 01, 2014 @ 10:00 AM
Toronto mayor Rob Ford has finally announced that he’s going to step away from his re-election campaign to seek treatment for substance abuse, after at least two new stories have been published about his hard partying ways. First, the big one, Rob is the subject of a new crack-smoking video that the Globe and Mail’s reporters viewed, and the dealer trying to move it for six figures claims that he recorded it in Rob’s sister’s basement last Saturday morning, when he provided them with the crack. While the mayor’s people deny it, because they think we’re all fucking idiots, the Globe and Mail wrote that it definitely looked like the mayor and his drug addict sister.
The other reason that Rob is stepping away is that there is also new audio of the mayor shouting like a drunken asshole in a restaurant, where he tried to pick fights with other customers, and according to the Toronto Sun, he started by letting his guests know how he feels about his mayoral competition, Karen Stintz.
“I’d like to f—–g jam her (Stintz), but she doesn’t want … I can’t talk like this…I’m so sorry,” Ford is heard saying on the recording. “I forgot there’s a woman in the house.”
What a gentleman. And then, in between tequila shots, he continued by addressing the gay pride flag hanging outside of city hall.
“They put this f—–g flag up ahead of our Canadian flag, I said, ‘No, I’m sorry. Bulls—,” he said.
What a patriot. The good news, though, is that he’s not completely withdrawing from the mayoral race, because without his high profile job, he’d have to start buying the shitty crack like the rest of us losers.
By Jack January 31, 2014 @ 6:10 PM
Toronto’s crack smoking and vagina diving mayor Rob Ford defended Justin Bieber on a morning radio show. Ford, who was stripped of a lot of his powers as mayor of Toronto for hitting the pipe and drinking more than even most Canadians, was on the Sports Junkies show in Washington D.C. when the subject of Justin Bieber came up. The wacky DJ’s said that the little lesbian pixie was Canada’s worst export. Ford fired back deftly:
“Come on! He’s a young guy, 19 years old. I wish I was successful as he was. Nineteen years old, guys, think back to when you were nineteen, you know?”
I just thought back. Nope, no DUI arrests in Lamborghinis or tagging fancy hotels or police storming my estate for video evidence of me pelting the mansion next door with eggs. Granted, I didn’t have an Italian sports car or a mansion at nineteen. Like most people, I had to wait until I was twenty-five for my first six-figure car. Still, Ford has a point. Teenagers do stupid shit and should be judged by teenager standards. Where I came from, when you were a teenager and acted like Justin Bieber, everybody would gather around and beat the shit out of you until all the stupid was gone. It’d be tougher to gear up for a beatdown on a hairless effeminate tiny person, but if you’re really his friends, you’d find a way to pull the trigger.
By Lex November 26, 2013 @ 2:43 PM
Vivid is big on free publicity by issuing unlikely to be accepted porn offers to people in the news. Any time there’s a media circus around some individual, they offer them a million dollars in some played out letter that TMZ turns into a headline with exclamation points. On her Vivid radio show, oft-analized Brandy Aniston offered Toronto Mayor Rob Ford a deal to bang her on camera for cash. Aniston says the Mayor is ‘cute, in a teddy bear kind of way’. Which is code for he’s a big fat sweaty slob who smells like old pancakes but if I close my eyes and just think about the cash, I can make it look like I’m having fun. But this Rob Ford offer, they better be serious on. This drunken crack man whore mayor might actually accept the offer. He’s not big on shame and the pipe don’t just feed itself on a Canadian government pension.
Photo Credit: WENN, Brandy Aniston/Twitter
By Lex November 18, 2013 @ 6:30 PM
This is Canada. If you can’t handle a fat guy checking you into the boards, you don’t belong in politics. Take that, prim and proper old Toronto City Council woman voting to strip Rob Ford of his office powers simply because he likes to drink a little, maybe smoke some crack, and chow down on his wife’s comely crotch. Rob Ford and his weirdly identical Council member brother are not to be taken lightly. They’re not going to let some chick named Pam relieve Rob of his power to run Toronto like his personal shooting gallery. Body blow. Body blow. Knock her out. This is precisely why America finally needs a fat slob President. Skinny put-together people are boring, methodical fucks.
By Lex November 14, 2013 @ 5:57 PM
You know all those jackasses that whine about politicians never telling the truth. You don’t want to know the truth, not when it comes to Toronto Mayor Rob Ford who just says whatever the hell is on his mind. He could be the first honest politician, or maybe it’s just the crack talking, but in his latest, Ford decided to tell the press that he never went down on his former staffer, as she alleges. Not because she didn’t have a tasty muff, mind you, but because he’s getting ‘plenty to eat with his wife’ at home. You see, Rob Ford is a traditionalist when it comes to pussy eating. He’s also wearing a Toronto Argonauts jersey, the local sports jerseys being the last most desperate measure of a politician facing the hangman’s noose. I bet I know what his last meal will be.
By Lex November 05, 2013 @ 4:49 PM
Here’s what you do when you’re the Mayor and somebody accuses you of smoking crack on a video tape but doesn’t have the actual video tape. Deny. Then, when random reporters say they’ve seen you on the video tape smoking crack, but they won’t release the video tape, keep on denying that shit. Finally, when the Chief of Police says he’s seen you on the video tape himself smoking crack, just tell everybody that it’s possible you smoked crack, but you were too drunk to remember:
“Yes, I have smoked crack cocaine. There have been times when I’ve been in a drunken stupor. That’s why I want to see the tape. I want everyone in the city to see this tape. I don’t even recall there being a tape or video. I want to see the state that I was in.” – Toronto Mayor Rob Ford to reporters today
I’d do the same in allegations of rape and also cheating on your taxes. In fact, for just about any misstep in life, being plastered should be a valid excuse. Mrs. Tompkins, I’m sorry I fucked your cat. I had one too many gin and tonics. When did we become a society where we judge drunk people for their actions?
“I feel like I got 1,000 pounds off my back. I felt like I had to say it. It is what it is. I feel two inches high right now but I needed to deal with it. I am not going to quit or take a leave.”
Hell no you’re not going to quit. You were drunk. It’s like being under the spell of a warlock or hypnotized at a comedy show. You are not responsible for your actions. Tell the public to back the fuck off before you start drinking again and authorize the changing of your city name to Sweet Crack Canadaville.
Photo Credit: Getty