A few years ago Rob Ford was volunteering as assistant coach for a high school football team and according to newly released documents he abused the shit out of them. Another coach testified that Ford would show up hammered and scream and yell at the kids like that drunk uncle you mock until he hits you with a shovel. For all his lovable loser antics, if Ford really “made the players roll in goose scat” I have to wash my hands of him. Surely when you are wasted and high to the gills on a daily basis you’re going to do some misguided shit, but rolling kids in feces crosses the line. I was more than fine with him grabbing secretarial ass, falling down like a funny fat man, and bragging about eating pussy. His extraordinarily common behavior should have served as an inspiration to politicians across the land. Like most things in life it may have been too good to be true. Ford wasn’t just a walking Chris Farley sketch, he was a mean drunk who probably scarred a bunch of kids who are already being punished by playing football in Canada. I’m still going to laugh when Ford tumbles down his next flight of stairs, I’m just going to be rooting for a vertebrae snap this time.
Toronto mayor Rob Ford has finally announced that he’s going to step away from his re-election campaign to seek treatment for substance abuse, after at least two new stories have been published about his hard partying ways. First, the big one, Rob is the subject of a new crack-smoking video that the Globe and Mail’s reporters viewed, and the dealer trying to move it for six figures claims that he recorded it in Rob’s sister’s basement last Saturday morning, when he provided them with the crack. While the mayor’s people deny it, because they think we’re all fucking idiots, the Globe and Mail wrote that it definitely looked like the mayor and his drug addict sister.
The other reason that Rob is stepping away is that there is also new audio of the mayor shouting like a drunken asshole in a restaurant, where he tried to pick fights with other customers, and according to the Toronto Sun, he started by letting his guests know how he feels about his mayoral competition, Karen Stintz.
“I’d like to f—–g jam her (Stintz), but she doesn’t want … I can’t talk like this…I’m so sorry,” Ford is heard saying on the recording. “I forgot there’s a woman in the house.”
What a gentleman. And then, in between tequila shots, he continued by addressing the gay pride flag hanging outside of city hall.
“They put this f—–g flag up ahead of our Canadian flag, I said, ‘No, I’m sorry. Bulls—,” he said.
What a patriot. The good news, though, is that he’s not completely withdrawing from the mayoral race, because without his high profile job, he’d have to start buying the shitty crack like the rest of us losers.
Toronto’s crack smoking and vagina diving mayor Rob Ford defended Justin Bieber on a morning radio show. Ford, who was stripped of a lot of his powers as mayor of Toronto for hitting the pipe and drinking more than even most Canadians, was on the Sports Junkies show in Washington D.C. when the subject of Justin Bieber came up. The wacky DJ’s said that the little lesbian pixie was Canada’s worst export. Ford fired back deftly:
“Come on! He’s a young guy, 19 years old. I wish I was successful as he was. Nineteen years old, guys, think back to when you were nineteen, you know?”
I just thought back. Nope, no DUI arrests in Lamborghinis or tagging fancy hotels or police storming my estate for video evidence of me pelting the mansion next door with eggs. Granted, I didn’t have an Italian sports car or a mansion at nineteen. Like most people, I had to wait until I was twenty-five for my first six-figure car. Still, Ford has a point. Teenagers do stupid shit and should be judged by teenager standards. Where I came from, when you were a teenager and acted like Justin Bieber, everybody would gather around and beat the shit out of you until all the stupid was gone. It’d be tougher to gear up for a beatdown on a hairless effeminate tiny person, but if you’re really his friends, you’d find a way to pull the trigger.
Vivid is big on free publicity by issuing unlikely to be accepted porn offers to people in the news. Any time there’s a media circus around some individual, they offer them a million dollars in some played out letter that TMZ turns into a headline with exclamation points. On her Vivid radio show, oft-analized Brandy Aniston offered Toronto Mayor Rob Ford a deal to bang her on camera for cash. Aniston says the Mayor is ‘cute, in a teddy bear kind of way’. Which is code for he’s a big fat sweaty slob who smells like old pancakes but if I close my eyes and just think about the cash, I can make it look like I’m having fun. But this Rob Ford offer, they better be serious on. This drunken crack man whore mayor might actually accept the offer. He’s not big on shame and the pipe don’t just feed itself on a Canadian government pension.
Photo Credit: WENN, Brandy Aniston/Twitter
This is Canada. If you can’t handle a fat guy checking you into the boards, you don’t belong in politics. Take that, prim and proper old Toronto City Council woman voting to strip Rob Ford of his office powers simply because he likes to drink a little, maybe smoke some crack, and chow down on his wife’s comely crotch. Rob Ford and his weirdly identical Council member brother are not to be taken lightly. They’re not going to let some chick named Pam relieve Rob of his power to run Toronto like his personal shooting gallery. Body blow. Body blow. Knock her out. This is precisely why America finally needs a fat slob President. Skinny put-together people are boring, methodical fucks.
You know all those jackasses that whine about politicians never telling the truth. You don’t want to know the truth, not when it comes to Toronto Mayor Rob Ford who just says whatever the hell is on his mind. He could be the first honest politician, or maybe it’s just the crack talking, but in his latest, Ford decided to tell the press that he never went down on his former staffer, as she alleges. Not because she didn’t have a tasty muff, mind you, but because he’s getting ‘plenty to eat with his wife’ at home. You see, Rob Ford is a traditionalist when it comes to pussy eating. He’s also wearing a Toronto Argonauts jersey, the local sports jerseys being the last most desperate measure of a politician facing the hangman’s noose. I bet I know what his last meal will be.