T-Pain Commits Cardinal Sin

By Matt April 02, 2015 @ 7:33 AM


T-Pain not so considerately joked that Robert Pattinson had proposed to the over accessorized avatar who calls herself FKA Twigs. A tear ridden conversation no doubt ensued once she heard the news as she proceeded to continuously ask if this was because of her thighs. There are a few things in life you don’t do. Joking about marriage or asking a chick if she’s pregnant are two of them. She’s not and now you have to scratch your eyeballs. T-Pain joked in a recent interview:

“She’s engaged now… to ol’ Patty [Robert Pattinson]. I don’t know if she wanted anybody to know that …”

T-Pain is a cock block. Watch for him to bring up the stripper you fucked in Reno over Thanksgiving turkey in front of your in-laws. He later clarified that he is just a bored asshole:

“Added a little #AprilFools to my interview.”

It’s marginally funny to tell your kids they’re adopted on April Fools. Or Christmas morning. It’s not cool when your doctor fancies himself a prankster and phones your wife to relay news to you that you have gonorrhea. Robert Pattinson is not constitutionally composed to exact revenge, so T-Pain is going to have to wait for karma to take a nasty bite out of his future. I wouldn’t stand too close to Suge Knight any time soon. Or ride a foreign ferry.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

FKA Twigs Seems Super Interesting

By Matt January 07, 2015 @ 6:32 AM


Robert Pattinson’s flail wielding Road Warrior girlfriend posed naked for V Magazine. How does this bitch travel? I find it a pain in the ass to take my belt off at Airport Security, let alone remove a stud from my perineum. FKA Twigs’ name is Tahliah. A fine name for a person and even a pop star. The fact she changed it to something annoying to pronounce and ultimately much worse seems to be a pattern; she also did it with her head and face. She’s probably one of those people that adds a non functioning spoiler to the back of her rented Chevy Malibu to cruise the Vegas Strip and thinks she’s the shit. She’s either an asshole or a total dipshit. Either way she ruined a perfectly decent person and mid-size sedan.

Photo Credit: V Magazine 

FKA Twigs in a Bikini

By Lex December 10, 2014 @ 10:16 AM

FKA Twigs Wears A Bikini On The Beach In Miami With Robert Pattinson
As far as beards go, you could do worse than picking a pubescent looking chick with a childish stage name. Outside of asking for money to go to the mall, she’s mostly going to leave you alone to work on your acoustic guitar riffs and snapchats with Hugh Jackman about the craft. At some point one of her little friends is going to whisper in her ear about how awesome sex is and she’s going to start looking at you funny with tears in her eyes, that’ll be the time to ask for your favorite flannel shirt back and click her an Uber.

Photo Credit: INF

Twilight Fans Are Racist And Shit Around The Web

By Jack September 29, 2014 @ 12:00 PM


The 14-year-old obese girls and closeted men who love Twilight are attacking Robert Pattinson’s new beard because she’s black. He’s “dating” the stupidly named FKA Twigs and Twilight fans have been harassing her with racist comments. It’s always sad when the ugliness of racism arises for no apparent reason. It’s slightly less sad when a Twilight fan dies horribly.

Read all about the Twilight haters hatin’. (Dlisted)

Hey, look! Ashley Benson and Shay Mitchell are kissing. (Drunken Stepfather)

And, lest we forget, Jessie J also has a booty. (Hollywood Tuna)

Kelly Brook is single, fellas. (The Superficial)

If strippers got naked at all games I might actually watch soccer. Might. (Busted Coverage)

Yes, I’m sexually attracted to female Thor. (Fox News)

Beyonce accidentally shows everyone her bra. Whoopsie! (Huffington Post)

Robert Pattinson Is Banging Elvis’ Granddaughter

By Lex July 03, 2013 @ 12:02 PM

Riley Keough At The 2013 Tribeca Film Festival In New York
I’ll say this for that chaffing sob monkey Robert Pattinson. Beneath all the emo, he’s still a dude. So when the spoiled brat love of his life goes and cheats on him in a messy public scandal, he does what any immature but semi-inspired man would do. He goes and bangs her friend. In this case, Riley Keough. He’s lucky Kristen had some hot friends. I’ve been there before when the revenge options are a little more daunting. Pride demands you still get in there, but it can be a challenge.

Here’s a bunch of pictures of actress Riley Keough. I don’t know much about her except she’s Elvis’ granddaughter, Kristen Stewart’s good friend, and now she’s got a mope of a method actor on top of her four nights a week trying to hold back his tears.

Photo Credit: Getty, WENN

Leonardo DiCaprio Will Get Robert Pattinson Laid

By Travis June 11, 2013 @ 10:00 AM

Being Leonardo DiCaprio’s friend has to be the greatest thing in the world. Not only does the guy throw lavish topless supermodel orgy yacht parties on random days of the week and invite guys who swim in their t-shirts like Jonah Hill, but now he’s playing therapist to Robert Pattinson, who has become Hollywood’s mopiest putz.

Ever since Robert dumped Kristen Stewart for good, he has apparently been a total whiny bitch and Leo’s had about enough of it. According to the Sun, Leo called him up, told him to cut this shit out and move to Miami, where the two will be neighbors and trade horny models like cupcake recipes.

In what must have been the toughest decision in the history of mankind, Robert has reportedly agreed to give it a shot as soon as Leo returns from Europe, where he was probably sampling the latest batch at his 18-year old blonde model cloning farm.

(Photo Credit: Getty)