Robin Thicke Wants Paula Patton Back (VIDEO)

By Jack February 28, 2014 @ 1:42 PM

Robin Thicke is trying everything he can think of to get Paula Patton to take him back. He’s apparently sending thousands of dollars worth of flowers to her house because he saw that work in a movie once. I think it was Pretty Woman and she was a whore. He’s also now moping on stage during his concerts, hoping the obese suburban moms that comprise his audience will form a tubby coven and conjure his woman back to him. We told you about how the rift between the sexiest couple to come out of Canada since Terence and Philip began when Miley Cyrus dry humped Robin on stage at the VMAs. What his desperation tells me is that he did more than shtick with Miley to get kicked out of the house. Maybe a better approach is to play it cool instead of looking like a desperate d-bag. Women can smell weakness and desperation, especially a woman like Paula Patton who has plenty of options. Next batch of flowers, include a note, ‘Hey, Candy, I just checked my dick, your ass is officially 98.6 degrees. Then let Paula take in the Grand Canyon of a loss she’s just suffered. I’ve got lots of great ideas like that.

Miley’s Ass Came Between the Thickes

By Jack February 27, 2014 @ 1:34 PM

The split between Robin Thicke and Paula Patton began with Miley Cyrus’ dry humping antics. Apparently the trouble with the celebrity love birds began at the now notorious VMA performance in which Miley air humped Robin Thicke on stage. You’ll recall that she stroked herself with a foam finger while rubbing her spastic twat on Robin’s junk. Paula was not having any of that shit and felt humiliated and disrespected by the whole thing. Sources say they got into a huge fight after the show and things never got better after that. As I bravely and journalistically reported from sources I know within the VMAs, Miley and Robin planned the stunt right before going out to catch the MTV people off guard. Apparently Paula was pissed that Robin couldn’t give follow the Nancy Reagan power of ‘no’ when it came to grinding Miley on worldwide television.

It must be hard to watch your husband get dry humped in front of everybody you’ve ever known, but it’s not like he was really boning Miley Cyrus, not like all the other girls he actually was boning. I’m not exactly sure how Paula thought her husband was going to break big without pulling these kinds of stunts. A happy marriage story only gets you so far in rock and roll. Thicke’s whole shtick is acting like a Canadian ladies man, if such a thing even exists. It’s like marrying an NFL linebacker then complaining about the beatings. C’mon, Paula, grow up.  Don’t shit on your husband the minute he gets his first taste of big league ball. Give him a friggin’ hot model hall pass for a year and you’ll get another forty years of happy marriage.

Photo credit: Splash News

Robin Thicke and Paula Patton End Their Endless Love

By Jack February 25, 2014 @ 1:34 PM

Robin Thicke separated from his wife Paula Patton after 9 years of marriage and being exclusive sweethearts since sophomore year of high school. According to baseless gossip, and a few less baseless photos, Robin has had wandering gonads since hitting it big with his anthem to getting over on girls, Blurred Lines. The reports of his infidelities have been flowing in steadily from various and sundry ladies of great dignity and self-worth. He kept denying it, saying that they were all just good friends, because all married men need hot lady friends to talk Downton Abbey with at 2am in their dressing rooms. Robin and Paula issued a press release to express their heartfelt and poignant feelings over the breakup.

“We will always love each other and be best friends, however, we have mutually decided to separate at this time.”

Who makes a better friend than an unfaithful ex-spouse? If you’re going to hit the arcade for a little Skee ball, that’s who I’m calling first. The tale of a guy cheating the minute he hits it big time is about as old and cliche as they come. But once more a reminder to women that there’s really little point to hitching your wagon to a musician or an athlete or any kind of entertainer. They exist in only two stages, broke-ass and dependent or they hit it big and they’re surrounded by tons of hot skank begging to extract their sperm. That interim period where he can take you somewhere nicer than Arby’s for your birthday but isn’t yet banging schools of cod is about ten seconds long. If you don’t want a husband who shows up in the morning with a rainbow party on his dick, try an accountant, or, you know, a doughy pale blogger. We never cheat, try as we may.

Robin Thicke Is Smarter Than Your Average LaBeouf

By Lex January 22, 2014 @ 7:03 PM

I long ago tired of Robin Thicke and his colorful suits and wispy gait. He’s not even gay, he’s just affected and annoying. But he’s also one of the smarter alleged intellectual property borrowers around. Unlike the picked off scab that is Shia LaBeouf, stealing stupid shit to make even stupider shit to end up making no money, Robin Thicke went out and supposedly borrowed from Marvin Gaye without permission. Then he filed a pre-emptive lawsuit against the Gaye estate just in case they were going to sue him first for stealing pop’s song. The Gaye kids, also not gay, did just that, over not one, but two songs they claim were blatant ripoffs, Most notable is Blurred Lines, which sold nearly seven million copies and made Robin Thicke into a teen girl heartthrob money printing machine. Thicke already admitted that he loved Marvin Gaye’s Got To Give It Up, and that Blurred Lines was inspired by the song. The Gaye kids settled their lawsuit with music publisher EMI for promoting Thicke’s ‘inspired’ song over their daddy’s. Their suit against Robin Thicke remains out there until such time as they reach a settlement which will be cents on the dollar for what Musical LaBeouf will earn from the song. As to authenticity, teen girls could give a shit if Robin Thicke shot Marvin Gaye himself to scavenge his tunes. It’s the Wild West and Robin Thicke is the lilting handed gunslinger with the super shiny vest. He wins.

Robin Thicke Rewrites History

By Jack October 15, 2013 @ 4:01 PM

Robin Thicke, he of Blurred Lines fame, is now saying that his megahit is about his wife. The song and its titty-filled video have been a source of controversy since it came out earlier this summer. The song is kind of creepy. The song tells the tale of an older lech who is trying to seduce a young lady away from her “maker”, (whatever the fuck that means). Robin is now claiming that the song isn’t an homage to sexual relations with young girls but a sweet tune about his wife of 20 years Paula Patton. He says,

“I wrote it about my wife. She’s my good girl. And I know she wants it because we’ve been together for 20 years.”

Ummm, no. You’ve been with your wife since you were 16 years old, Robin. Are you saying that this is a tune about how you stole her away from a senior before the ice cream social or whatever? How does your wife feel about being called the “hottest bitch in this place”? I mean, it’s better than being the ugliest bitch in the place, I guess. Just admit that you wrote a song about the barely legal chicks you had dancing around in the music video. Jesus didn’t smite the trollops, so you’re probably in the clear.

Miley Cyrus And Robin Thicke Conspired To Shock

By Jack September 05, 2013 @ 2:48 PM

Vast sections of the underemployed world are still talking about Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke’s controversial performance at the VMAs last week. Both of the music artists have played down any notion that their performance was in any way a big deal meant to create huge controversy.

“They’re overthinking it … You’re thinking about it more than I thought about it when I did it. Like, I didn’t even think about it ’cause that’s just me.” — Miley Cyrus.

Not so fast. My own source (a buddy of mine who I trust like a brother in a Greek tragedy) was literally standing next to Miley and Robin backstage before they went on. He tells me that any notion that this Tijuana donkey show was impromptu or in the moment is utter bullshit. He specifically heard Thicke and Cyrus talking backstage about how ‘fucking sexy’ they were going to perform. They basically gave each other a pep talk about how far they were going to take it to create a media sensation. Which isn’t surprising in the least. Just, you know, a a big fat lie.