Madonna Fears Her Son May Be Straight

By Lex February 09, 2016 @ 12:36 PM

Madonna-and-Rocco-on-Vacation

Madonna’s son Rocco fled the U.S. at the end of last year to be with his dad Guy Ritchie in London because dad didn’t insist he share quarters with three dozen Moroccan boy dancers who smell like liniment and make strange guttural noises in the middle of the night. Madonna filed a series of legal challenges yet to be decided to demand her son back. She’s recently hired a private investigator to trail her son in London. The P.I. reports back to Madonna that Rocco is skipping school, hanging out in skate parks, and smoking cigarettes. Guy Ritchie doesn’t seem to care. Or he’s gay deprogramming his son. Madonna insists her teen son needs the structure only a world tour and seeing your fifty-seven year old mom in just a metal bra splashing olive oil on her vulva in front of 30,000 Slovakians can bring. A court will decide next month which fucked up situation Rocco must endure until he’s eighteen and can start self-medicating with drugs in his own apartment. There’s nothing worse than when Sean Penn shows up to your intervention calling himself your uncle. Fucking drama queen.

Photo credit: FameFlynet

Madonna’s Baby Boy Likes Him Some Gin

By Lex January 06, 2014 @ 8:07 PM

Madonna Posts A Photo Of Her Son Rocco With Booze Bootles To Instagram
Madonna posted a New Year’s picture of her 13-year old hoisting a bottle of gin with the caption: The party has just begun! Bring it 2014! Now she’s being judged. She wants you to stop judging her as a mom. Also, stop judging 55-year olds who say ‘bring it’. Stop judging skeletor looking women who buy babies from the Sudan to supplement their own kids from multiple fathers. Stop judging pop music and the mystical religion of Kabbalah and older women who likes to mount young Moroccan male dancers while calling them Fatima. Just stop it.

Calm down and get a sense of humor! Don’t start the year off with judgement!” — Madonna on Instagram

What did I tell you. Don’t judge the year, or how it starts, or the use of exclamation points where they’re not warranted. Leave Madonna and her family alone and you won’t get hurt. That bandana probably means her kid is queer. Shit, I just judged Madonna’s family. I’m going to need some time with this, Madge.

Photo Credit: Madonna/Instagram