Rosie O’Donnell Gets Another Penis Off the Street

By Lex August 24, 2015 @ 8:38 AM

Steven-Sheerer-Mug-Shot

After Rosie O’Donnell tracked down her teen daughter Chelsea in the home of some 20-something dude she met on Tinder, O’Donnell and her press machine went into overdrive pushing the story that her daughter was mentally ill and off her meds and this Steven Sheerer she met was a hardened criminal and a predator. The alternative is that her daughter is sick of her adopted mom’s nut baggery and wanted to get the hell out of Dodge and get laid by the first reasonably handsome dude she met. But that just seems ludicrous compared to Rosie’s version of events.

This dude never touched her daughter the entire time she was away, leaving O’Donnell unable to give her tear-filled speech about the sacred hymen violation of her Chelsea. O’Donnell uncovered two old drug arrests on Sheerer’s record, but he’d already been sentenced to probation for those offenses. O’Donnell moved to Plan C and confiscated her daughter’s phone, finding randy messages from this dude and things he liked to do with pretty girls in bed. O’Donnell had him arrested on ‘obscenity’ charges since her daughter’s only seventeen and this guy had a dick. It’s entirely unclear if Sheerer even knew Chelsea’s age from meeting on Tinder where lying is considered foreplay. Sheerer’s now being held on $40,000 bail and could face up to ten years in prison. Hell hath no fury like a fat lesbian thrice divorced mother of ninety-seven.

Photo credit: Ocean County Prosecutor’s Office

Rosie O’Donnell’s Daughter Is Missing

By Lex August 18, 2015 @ 11:28 AM

Chelsea-O'Donnell-is-Missing

Technically, when you’re seventeen and you take your purse and your dog and you head to Manhattan, you’re not missing so much as you are running away to meet a boy. But you can’t whip up a feverish rescue effort for an almost barely legal teen off to the big city to find comfort in the arms of penis. Especially when she’s running from Rosie O’Donnell and her compiled brood of seventy-four children like a new millennium lesbian Fagin. Chelsea O’Donnell was last seen a week ago at one of Rosie’s upstate New York homes by her French-Guatemalan-Cambodian mixed maid and bowling pin re-setter. Why wait a week to report your child is missing? Either it took you that long to notice or you debated whether to go public with your teen packing her shit and getting the hell out after your ninth divorce. Maybe she just favors Trump in your debate. I bet he finds her first. Call your mom, Chelsea. Nobody deserves not to know where their kids are.

Rosie O’Donnell Quits Everything

By Lex February 09, 2015 @ 11:10 AM

Rosie-O'Donnell-With-Her-Wife-Michelle-Rounds

Rosie O’Donnell announced she’s ending her latest marriage, saying goodbye to that good looking chick she made an adopted baby with. Rosie’s also leaving The View to focus on taking care of her ten half human, half white rhino infants at her Florida estate. And, finally, she’s shopping for some new Hawaiian shirts at Rochester. So much so fast.

I can confirm that Rosie and her wife Michelle split in November. Rosie has teens and an infant at home that need her attention. This has been a very stressful situation. She is putting her personal health and family first. ABC has been wonderfully understanding and supportive of her personal decision to leave ‘The View.’ Next week will be her last.

You may recall that Rosie O’Donnell suffered a heart attack three year ago from being way too fat for the amount of jet-skiing and sex tourism she undertakes. On the list of successful fat shrill questionably talent lesbians, Rosie still comes in a distant second to Oprah. You’re not catching Oprah, you might as well hole up and let the Borneo slave girls wax your leathery labia until Ra comes to take you as his afterlife bride.

Photo credit: Splash News

ROSIE O’DONNELL IS HELLA FEMININE

By brendon August 18, 2007 @ 11:17 AM

Rosie O'Donnell was spotted boating in Miami looking like what you see here.  If Donald Trump were here, he'd tell her how fat and poor she is.  As you can see, he's way off base. 

As for me, I'm just a little surprised, I didn't realize truck stops sold maternity clothes. 



ROSIE GOT PWN3D. AGAIN. BAD.

By brendon January 09, 2007 @ 3:00 PM

ET has obtained a copy of a letter that Donald Trump sent to Rosie O’Donnell this morning, in response to a Page Six article that detailed an argument between O’Donnell and Barbara Walters.  The letter says:

"Dear Rosie,

I hope you had a wonderful vacation with your wife — you needed the rest.

An article in today's New York Post indicates that you blew up at Barbara Walters for being a 'liar.' Actually, I don't blame you, but in fact she lied to both of us! After your maniacal and foolish rant against me two weeks ago, Barbara called me from her vacation (I did not call her) in order to apologize for your behavior. She had heard that I was going to retaliate against you and tried to talk me out of it. She very much wanted me to go on the show as soon as she got back so that she could 'patch things up' (I said no). To be exact, she said that 'working with her is like living in hell' and, more pointedly, 'Donald, never get into the mud with pigs' and, 'don't worry, she won't be here for long.' Barbara knows exactly what she told me over the phone and she has to live with it. Perhaps that's why her initial statement was so mild!

In another incident, when I saw her eating at Le Cirque about two months ago and asked how 'Rosie was doing,' she sarcastically rolled her eyes and said 'Donald, do you have to ruin my meal.'

In any event, you have a good reason to be angry. Please give my warmest regards to Kelly!

Sincerely, Donald J. Trump

P.S.

I was surprised that you let your spat with Barbara get into the newspapers, but, as I have always said and as you proved with Rosie, the magazine, you are very self destructive. You must work on this for your own good!"

Well, I think he was being sarcastic, but it's still awesome how many thinly veiled fat jokes Donald manages to work in when he talks about Rosie.  He probably even sent the letter on that cinnamon roll scented stationary.  Which means Rosie hasn't even read this yet.  Her secretary walked in and said, "did you get that letter?"  And Rosie stopped chewing and said, "wha wetta".  Poor Rosie.  So hungry.  Not like me.  I'm a hunk.  I'm also a tiger in the sack and the son of an oil baron.  Call me ladies!

UPDATE – as part of the buildup to a guest appearance by Donald Trump on an upcoming episode of WWE RAW, Vince McMahon is having two wrestlers act out the Donald-Rosie feud.  Because, you know, why wouldn't he.



BARBARA WALTERS IS A F-ING LIAR

By brendon January 09, 2007 @ 10:01 AM

Rosie O'Donnell got into a shouting match yesterday with Barbara Walters – the executive producer of "the View" who hired O'Donnell for the show – fueled by O’Donnell's public war of words with Donald Trump.  Trump has said that Walters told him privately that she regrets hiring O'Donnell and wants to fire her.  The New York Post says:

The fight started around 8:30 a.m. when Walters, back from a two-week vacation, walked into the hair and makeup room at ABC studios and tried to hug O'Donnell … O’Donnell recoiled from Walters and yelled, "You kept me in the newspapers this whole time!"  Both "View" producer Bill Geddie and Walters tried to calm O'Donnell. Walters told her, "I did everything I could to squash the story" – prompting Rosie to scream,  "You didn't call me for 10 goddamn days, and you didn't tell me what you were going to say on television!" … Geddie jumped in and told her, "You've crossed the line." O'Donnell retorted, "Cameras are now outside of my house where my wife and kids are." She turned to Walters and said, "You went all around this and never called [Trump] a liar. You never said, 'Donald is lying.' You never called him a liar."   When Walters tried to defend herself, O'Donnell erupted, "Are you looking me in the face and denying you didn't tell him you didn't say this? You're a [bleeping] liar."

Aww, it's so cute when girls try to do stuff.  You would think they'd stick to things they're good at – like foxy boxing, jump rope or witchcraft – but sometimes they get all starry eyed and try to get jobs (*giggle* "look at me!  I'm a girl doctor!") but it always ends up in shouting matches over a boy.  Or tampons.  Everyone agrees that the best way to gauge a woman's worth is by looks, so I think the fault here should be split between Rosie and Barbara, because neither one is very pretty.  I also saw this study where they proved that flat chested girls steal.   I think it was at Harvard.