By Lex February 05, 2015 @ 1:05 PM
It’d be presumptuous to attribute Rumer Willis’ die hard Instagram picture barrage to one night of scissor kissing with that practiced British-browed vagina hunter. Let’s say mostly inspired by. When your square jaw sets to quivering from the love whose name we dare not speak, you start thinking about all the big things you want to do with your life. Like posting selfies. Sometimes it’s best to activate your more elaborate dreams in stages. It’s still only Thursday.
Photo Credit: Instagram/Twitter
By Lex February 03, 2015 @ 11:50 AM
Cara Delevingne is rapid tonguing her way through disaffected young female Hollywood. I can’t remember which Willis girl Rumer is. The one who looks like Bruce, drinks like a fish, and hasn’t worked in a decade. Fuck, I can’t narrow it down. Rumer left a bar in West Hollywood holding hands with this unquenchable lesbian vampire. Holding hands in WeHo doesn’t mean the two of them are mere moments away from an after party of vanilla candles and poetic fisting. Traffic in L.A. sucks even at night. It could easily take half-an-hour.
By Lex December 23, 2014 @ 9:07 AM
Anybody who claims the Willis girls don’t seem to have jobs focuses on too narrow of a timeline. Rumer Willis just posted photos of herself from August 2013 when she worked a dinner theater gig in Los Feliz. She played Juliet in a cabaret tribute to the work of film director Baz Luhrmann who takes classic literature and turns it into lavish movies as an excuse to see Leonardo DiCaprio changing in his dressing room. The dancers strut between tables as you’re semaphoring the waiter with the international sign for ‘where’s the fucking half rotisserie chicken I ordered an hour ago’. I’ve seen shows like this before, but there was no food, just drinks, and the girls all took their tops off to confirm they were girls and asked if you wanted a private dance. I dig live theater.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex October 17, 2014 @ 9:28 AM
When Lady Gaga sings at a hipster shoe store in Brooklyn, it’s record company promotional kitsch. If you’re Rumer Willis, it’s the best gig you can book. Being the oldest Willis daughter, Rumer decided it was time she pretended to have a job. She chose singer from the list of options in the back of her What Do You Want to Be When You Grow Up coloring book. And why not. Singers are cool and bold and make people happy. As do high class escorts who also then have the money to buy shit in the store as opposed to just crooning from aside the hot boots display case. I give Rumer credit for not choosing Topless Activist or Wayward Drunk like her sisters when they leafed through the same coloring book. If she keeps skipping the bras, there’s no reason Rumer can’t be doing sets for the customers in the pharmacy lines at CVS soon enough.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Lex September 24, 2014 @ 9:53 AM
Not to be overshadowed by her sister in jaws incestuous leather straps shoot, Rumer Willis got to posing in some outfits that several gay male sycophants declared super sexy earlier in the day. If these grown Willis kids are trying to get back at their parents by drinking and making out and parading around half naked, they’re failing miserably. Becoming the high school slut might work in an after-school special about Pamela, the troubled victim of divorce, but it’s barely going to register on the celebrity parents Google alerts. Maybe a bell tower sniper attack or getting The AIDS or buying bread with gluten or something dramatic. Something even the most self-absorbed parents can’t ignore due to he press covering it and their PR reps saying you have to appear concerned. Then your parents can rush to your side and apologize for forsaking you and tell you it’s all going to be better from now on, or for the next six weeks you have left to live.
Photo Credit: Franziska Fox
By Lex August 25, 2014 @ 10:55 AM
Something seems different about Rumer Willis these days and it’s not a job or a purpose or anything small like that. I mean something big different. I’m no Archimedes, but I’d say twenty-degrees or so of her Willis block jaw is missing. I don’t know if it was surgically shaved or if she rubbed a lamp and after asking for her mom to stop chain-huffing Whip-its and boning Ashton Kutcher she used her remaining freebie on more streamlined mandible. She looks pretty good. I’d still go without the bras until it’s fully tested, but I can see Rumer getting a sitcom apartment neighbor role out of this, maybe even a closeted bisexual husband. Fuck the plastic surgery haters, Rumer. If you were born in Guatemala people here would be donating 83-cents a day to get your jaw re-sculpted so you could enjoy a normal life in your running shit trough of a village.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News