Rumer Willis Going Strong

By Matt July 02, 2015 @ 6:59 AM

Willis

Apparently there is something called the Dancing With The Stars Tour where you can pay $150 to see bad stripping while sitting amongst dudes with lengthy sex crime rap sheets. Rumer Willis is on the tour, but apparently unable to dance due to stress fractures in her feet sustained by carrying around the Willis jaw for so many years. She is going to sing instead, so definitely look forward to that. I’ve always wanted to shell out good money to watch people from reality shows learn things on the job. The tour will run for 40 shows and if you’re a fifty year old woman you’re more than welcome to get a disdainful photo with some of the cast after. Actually I just made that up they’re probably in the showers determining each other’s prostate health. I would consider taking my girlfriend if I’d lost all self respect. Failing that I’ll take a free ticket from Richard Simmons and promptly be roofied. Why am I putting on this costume? I don’t know how to dance.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Rumer Willis Commemorates Her Win

By Lex June 05, 2015 @ 8:33 AM

Rumer-Willis-New-Tattoo-on-Instagram

Rumer Willis went balls to the wall on a new tattoo on her arm featuring herself in her winning number on Dancing with the Stars. Even rappers have begrudgingly maintained the line in the sand over drawing pictures of yourself on yourself, but then they’ve never won a network TV dance competition with only seven years of down time to prepare. Willis has made a habit of tattooing her life’s greatest accomplishments on her body, such as this tattoo of her winning DWTS and also a tattoo of her getting the tattoo for winning DWTS. It’s been kind of short otherwise. Wills does have the word ‘sauce’ tattooed on her hand as a term of endearment for her sisters who are both drunks. That’s either mean or just the cutest thing ever. Pencil in the ten dollar winning Scratcher card on the right ankle and save the lumbar region for a replica of one ridonculous Mad Libs completed during a private flight to Aspen. Rumer Willis is going places. It involves a laser and the surge of regrets experienced when switching medications.

Rumer And Demi Self Exploitation

By Matt May 27, 2015 @ 7:05 AM

Moore

Rumer Willis and Demi Moore dressed up as twins and pretended they weren’t praying on your most base of sexual fantasies. I don’t know where the mother/daughter thing ranks in terms of the bed post notch pantheon but I’d put it somewhere below actual twins and most certainly cooler than banging a local while vacationing in Barbados if not for the health implications. Something’s not normal when you can’t tell a mother and her kid apart minus the prison ink. One of you is either dropping the ball or mildly out of focus. People used to have real hobbies. You never see birdhouses anymore. Rumer’s caption was both a compliment to her mother and some shameless self flattery:

“That moment when you realize you actually are becoming your mother #twinning #imnotmad.”

Calm down Sheriff Woody. There’s more to looking like someone than strapping on the same onesie. You’re also giving up thirty years. Lifetime I’m down in Vegas but not liking those odds. What else is in that prop closet? It better have two heads. I’m not amused.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Rumer Willis Winner’s Ass

By Lex May 26, 2015 @ 10:07 AM

Rumer Willis Boyfriend Takes Photos Of Her Bikini Booty
Victory in that TV dancing show has brought clarity of purpose to Rumer Willis. This triumphant post of her tight bikini backside is the perfect statement that you don’t have to be good at everything. Can you dance and do you have a nice ass? Accentuate the positive. Turn that invisible fence shock collar up to high and give yourself a jolt every time your jaw starts to turn toward a camera. Eventually build a glory hole that fits your ass and put your DWTS trophy on a mantle above it. Objectification is only a bad thing when chosen in lieu of a superior alternative.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Tallulah Willis One Upper

By Matt May 20, 2015 @ 8:50 AM

TALL

Tallulah Willis went on Instagram and shared a bunch of pictures of her tits as her more camera friendly sister won Dancing With The Stars. Tallulah turned up to watch the finale along with her famous parents, as at least one appearance was contractually mandated in exchange for having a sexy Quagmire on the cast. Tallulah is ten months sober, or six weeks from her next relapse depending upon how optimistically you frame things. I might develop a coke problem too if it meant two months of horseback riding in Malibu on someone else’s dime. No word on what’s next for her and her tribe of wandering celebrity offspring but I’m ruling out a job. Perhaps continue ruminating on your less than ideal childhood which forced you to regulate your feelings with shopping with a flask in your pocket. The horror. When I was your age I couldn’t even find drugs. Either you like attention or you don’t. Time to make up your mind. Keep your chin up.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Rumer Willis Ass

By Lex March 30, 2015 @ 7:06 AM

Rumer Willis Flashes Abs And Booty While Leaving Dancing With The Stars LB
It’s good to see the idle rich taking up hobbies that don’t involve booze or politics. Dancing with the Stars has proven to be a launching pad for many careers in low budget reality television and hanging out at the Coffee Bean’s talking about who you almost worked with in the last millennium. Rumer Willis has one of those asses that makes a man almost not care about the cowboy jaw. Focus on the picture of the cute puppies on yonder wall and we’ll get through this. That’s something of a sparkling accomplishment already. Can she dance? Who cares. She’s already won.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI