Rumer Willis Reminds Us She Once Had a Gig

By Lex December 23, 2014 @ 9:07 AM

Rumer Willis In Fishnets Promoting Her  Baz Luhrmann Cabaret Performance
Anybody who claims the Willis girls don’t seem to have jobs focuses on too narrow of a timeline. Rumer Willis just posted photos of herself from August 2013 when she worked a dinner theater gig in Los Feliz. She played Juliet in a cabaret tribute to the work of film director Baz Luhrmann who takes classic literature and turns it into lavish movies as an excuse to see Leonardo DiCaprio changing in his dressing room. The dancers strut between tables as you’re semaphoring the waiter with the international sign for ‘where’s the fucking half rotisserie chicken I ordered an hour ago’. I’ve seen shows like this before, but there was no food, just drinks, and the girls all took their tops off to confirm they were girls and asked if you wanted a private dance. I dig live theater.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Rumer Willis Books a Shoe Store Gig

By Lex October 17, 2014 @ 9:28 AM

Rumer Willis Shows Sideboob While Singing At Kelsi Dagger
When Lady Gaga sings at a hipster shoe store in Brooklyn, it’s record company promotional kitsch. If you’re Rumer Willis, it’s the best gig you can book. Being the oldest Willis daughter, Rumer decided it was time she pretended to have a job. She chose singer from the list of options in the back of her What Do You Want to Be When You Grow Up coloring book. And why not. Singers are cool and bold and make people happy. As do high class escorts who also then have the money to buy shit in the store as opposed to just crooning from aside the hot boots display case. I give Rumer credit for not choosing Topless Activist or Wayward Drunk like her sisters when they leafed through the same coloring book. If she keeps skipping the bras, there’s no reason Rumer can’t be doing sets for the customers in the pharmacy lines at CVS soon enough.

Photo Credit: Splash

Rumer Willis Pose Down

By Lex September 24, 2014 @ 9:53 AM

Rumer Willis Poses for Franziska Fox
Not to be overshadowed by her sister in jaws incestuous leather straps shoot, Rumer Willis got to posing in some outfits that several gay male sycophants declared super sexy earlier in the day. If these grown Willis kids are trying to get back at their parents by drinking and making out and parading around half naked, they’re failing miserably. Becoming the high school slut might work in an after-school special about Pamela, the troubled victim of divorce, but it’s barely going to register on the celebrity parents Google alerts. Maybe a bell tower sniper attack or getting The AIDS or buying bread with gluten or something dramatic. Something even the most self-absorbed parents can’t ignore due to he press covering it and their PR reps saying you have to appear concerned. Then your parents can rush to your side and apologize for forsaking you and tell you it’s all going to be better from now on, or for the next six weeks you have left to live.

Photo Credit: Franziska Fox

Rumer Willis Seems Less Chinny

By Lex August 25, 2014 @ 10:55 AM

Rumer Willis Braless In Soho
Something seems different about Rumer Willis these days and it’s not a job or a purpose or anything small like that. I mean something big different. I’m no Archimedes, but I’d say twenty-degrees or so of her Willis block jaw is missing. I don’t know if it was surgically shaved or if she rubbed a lamp and after asking for her mom to stop chain-huffing Whip-its and boning Ashton Kutcher she used her remaining freebie on more streamlined mandible. She looks pretty good. I’d still go without the bras until it’s fully tested, but I can see Rumer getting a sitcom apartment neighbor role out of this, maybe even a closeted bisexual husband. Fuck the plastic surgery haters, Rumer. If you were born in Guatemala people here would be donating 83-cents a day to get your jaw re-sculpted so you could enjoy a normal life in your running shit trough of a village.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News

Rumer Willis Leads Charge to Free the Nipples

By Lex June 23, 2014 @ 1:34 PM


The Free the Nipple campaign started with such high minded ideals. Like getting Instagram to allow moderately unattractive women to show pictures of their bare tits without having their accounts suspended. For some reason the Facebook family of soul selling social media outlets doesn’t allow nipples to be shown in any visual medium on their sites. At the same time, Jihadi beheadings and men recounting tales of their last domestic abuse seem to be cool. I’d question the relative moral legitimacy of the nipple ban but then Zuckerberg would back up a dump truck and have me drowned in a sea of hundred dollar bills as his way of screaming ‘scoreboard, motherfucker!.

Rumer Willis and her band of women you’d have no interest in seeing topless banded together at the SkyBar in West Hollywood for a fundraiser of unclear purpose. Nobody actually showed off their nipples save for one woman who breastfed her baby after she had accidentally shown up to the wrong protest. Herein lies the fundamental flaw in almost all bra burning feminist protests. The lack of hot women. That’s the game changer. You can’t win the Super Bowl without a Super Bowl quarterback. It’s cute that women think earnest intentions are enough. It’s like men who think growing a mustache will get them laid. Wake me when you’ve got some Brazilian supermodels in the mix. I’d sell my original series Fantastic Four #3 mint-condition to free those nipples. Rumer Willis can keep her shirt on. The world will still spin. Flame on.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Getty

Rumer Willis’ Dress Is All Cut Up

By Lex April 24, 2014 @ 12:53 PM

Rumer Willis Flashes Her Panties At ELLE's Women In Music Celebration In Hollywood
Rumer Willis is on the cusp of greatness. Actually, that might be the cusp of obscurity. Whichever cusp it is, it can’t hurt to show off your pink panties when you’re straddling it.

Photo Credit: Getty, Pacific Coast News