By Lex October 06, 2015 @ 9:13 AM
According to friends of Kaley Cuoco, the Big Bang Theory actress wasn’t surprised by her recent divorce from her husband Ryan Sweeting after only 21 months of the kind of marriage gay marriage activists used to point to as heterosexual marriage fail. Those were good times. According to friends of Cuoco, the divorce was a long time coming, which is an odd thing to say of a year and a half marriage. Marrying a hunky professional tennis player seemed like a good idea when Cuoco polled her moist and happy vagina, but didn’t hold well when she realized his annual earnings were in the ten grand minus thirty-seven grand in travel expenses range
She realized she wants to be with a guy who has a job and is motivated. All of Ryan’s friends knew it was going to end bad
Sweeting was perfectly content to live off of his wife’s million dollars an episode sitcom cash. And why not? He did that hard work being born good looking and having great legs in tennis shorts. He used his charms to win himself a very successful actress and now he wants to do some light workouts and have lunch with his BFFs. Women wanted equality. Welcome to it. That Roman numeral wedding date tattoo removal is going to be a bitch.
Photo credit: Getty Images
By Lex March 25, 2014 @ 4:42 PM
You may recall that Kaley Cuoco’s wedding to the 667th ranked tennis player in the world was so romantic, that people openly wept at their New Year’s Eve ceremony. To commemorate the true majesty of endless love, the groom, Ryan Sweeting, got himself a large forearm tattoo with the date of the wedding in Roman numerals. Smart fella. Kaley felt obliged to keep her end of the newlyweds bargain, showing off the new matching set of Roman numerals on her own backside. Naturally, the bread winner can’t be inking up her typically visible parts, but it’s a real commitment nonetheless. I suppose when you’re in such profound and spectacular love, the likes of which Kaley and Ryan lament with rose smelling tears that none others shall ever truly know, you miss little things like damning the crap out of your marriage. Somebody needs to run a Scared Straight program for the young and bubbly set, taking them to see the line of angry exes outside the offices of Dr. Tattoff patiently waiting to have the name of their last coital bliss painfully laser removed from their body parts. This big ass Roman numeral tattoo is a bold public statement that you’re not going to be like the other 93% of celebrity marriages that end in miserable darkness. It’s also a big fuck you to Shiva right in the Karmic kisser. They’re doomed. I wish I had a heart so I could feel this when it goes down.
Photo credit: Splash News
By Travis February 27, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
What is it about the airport that makes minor celebrities look like they want to blow their brains out so much? Obviously, flying sucks and being around so many random losers is a pain in the ass, but people like Kaley Cuoco and Ryan Sweeting, no matter how average or mediocre they are in their careers, shouldn’t have to look this pissed off when they’re being pushed through the security lines ahead of us losers and given the ultimate VIP path to their planes and the exits so they don’t even have to make eye contact with their so-called fans. At least pretend like you’re happy to be better than other people by flashing a little smile or maybe a nipple. Having an advantage doesn’t mean you need to look like a pissed off hipster Frankenstein.
Photo Credits: WENN.com
By Lex January 17, 2014 @ 2:11 PM
You know whose name you don’t tattoo prominently on your body? The person you just fell in love with or just married or just met their cute puppy and decided you want to make babies with them and open up a free-trade coffee house in Butte, Montana. In fact, you shouldn’t really even be allowed to get a real tattoo until you’re 30, with no inked names until you’re 40. It would save so much fucking skin-ache. But, there’s no stopping the true romantics. Ryan Sweeting just married Kaley Cuoco and figured what the heck, only 89% of celebrity marriages end in divorce, let’s tat this shit permanent with her name sprawled across my forearm. And how about maybe toss in a giant roman numeral of the date of our wedding just to kick it up a couple fairytale notches. Oh, my god, she’s going to love this. If things go south, I can always wear long sleeves for the rest of my life so people don’t mock the living shit out of me.
Kaley reciprocated her new husband’s boldly romantic move by getting drunk at a party and grabbing her own tits for the camera. I’m going to peg Kaley as the one who comes out less broken on the back end of this relationship.