Salma Hayeks daughter Valentina had her first day of school yesterday, but we were the ones who really got an education. In this case, a jarring reminder that many sexy Hollywood stars are completely normal looking/fug in real life. One of the first 4 pictures below actually shows a woman who works on a coffee plantation taking her kid to school. They rode there on a burro. Try and spot which one.
Salma Hayek went to Madeo in Los Angeles last night for dinner, and to make the night special she squeezed her size Huge breasts into a top made for toddlers. After seeing Anne Hathaway earlier, I wish there was some way to bring back segregation but stick me in with the Latin girls. Because they all have long hair and big tits. I don’t know if that’s how segregation works because I don’t read, but I don’t think Latin girls do either so I can probably trick them into this.
Salma Hayek went to the New York premiere of her movie ‘Grown Ups’ last night in New York and she wore this awesome dress that pushed up her huge breasts. If I were to make a movie right now it would be called, ‘Grown, Up, And Hard Enough To Cut Glass’.
PAGET BREWSTER – is the best comedic actress in Hollywood (and she does amazing impressions of black people), so I’m selfishly happy that CBS is run by fumbling idiots who plan on essentially firing the entire female cast of ‘Criminal Minds’, despite the overwhelming objections (1, 2) from the shows fans (“the fans can suck my dick”, replied CBS while pointing at its crotch). Hopefully now she’ll go back to comedy. I also like it when disaster strikes and I can buy stocks like BP real cheap. I’m all about me! It’s time to start looking out for number 1, baby! (jezebel)
ORLANDO BLOOM AND MIRANDA KERR – are engaged. If they start a family the kids would be like someone genetically engineered a human being solely for me to be completely, 100 percent indifferent to. (la times)
HOW TO GROW BUD – has pictures of girls in bikinis getting high. I don’t personally smoke, but I do like telling the government to go fuck themselves, and I do like girls who are mostly naked and easily talked into things. This is a great website. (htgb)
DAVE BATISTA - is this guy, and he may or may not be following Brock Lesnar and going from WWE to MMA. TMZ says he is but the promotion he allegedly signed with says it’s not true. I don’t know what this has to do with celebrity gossip btw, but I’m the only one who works here, and I gotta post somethin. Tomorrow be sure to check out my recipe for Raisin Roundies! My secret is a pinch of cinnamon! (mma frenzy)
ANGELINA JOLIE - is in Haiti today as part of her UN tour, but you’ll have to take Es word for it because this picture isn’t labeled. Where’s Angie, which one is Angie? E! needs to get their shit together. (e!)
SALMA HAYEK – will be on Letterman tonight, where she’ll discuss married life, her baby, and upcoming projects while Dave pretends not to stare at her tits. (splash)
TWITTER …. FACEBOOK …. TODAYS FORECAST: WACKING OFF
Salma Hayek was doing an interview for Extra to promote ‘Grown Ups’ when a snake came near the set. And apparently Salma is under the impression that a snake is natures loaded gun, constantly on the hunt for its next victim to murder. She’s a terrible actress, she’s not faking, she literally thinks shes about to die. She’s acting like a tomahawk just flew past her ear and stuck into the railing behind her.
Salma Hayek read a ‘Dora The Explorer’ book to some kids in Burbank for some reason but I didn’t read that part because who cares. Her dress was boring and the only good part was when she leaned over a little bit to answer questions from the kids. Questions like, “What the fuck are you saying? Is that English? Haven’t you been here like 20 years? Your accent is heavier now than it was in ‘Desperado’. How the hell did you manage that?”