By Lex October 31, 2014 @ 1:49 PM
I’m not sure what counselors are advising these days to current stalking victims, but I’m going to guess sharing upskirts in provocative fire woman outfits next to giant pink cupcakes isn’t one of them. Not that you should change your life because your psycho ex-boyfriend is tracking your every online move whilst bleeding onto your restraining order, that would mean the terrorists have won. Though sometimes the terrorists do win and it’s best to be hiding in a dark quite place when that happens. I’ve read their manual. They will kill the slutty looking fire girls first.
Photo Credit: Instagram/Twitter
By Lex September 24, 2014 @ 12:31 PM
There’s no way to evaluate whether or not your current squeeze is someday going to be your future crazy fucking ex. Actually, there is, but in the days of fresh sex and pet names, you’re too drunk with quim to notice. There certainly is a solid way to tell if somebody will have the time, energy, and fragile ego to be one ginormous pain in the ass ex. As a for instance, they’re an out of work child actor. That sounds like a guy who might snap, has every single waking hour free from obligation, and a shitload of knowledge about cell phones and social media accounts.
Sarah Hyland just got a restraining order against High School Musical 3 actor Matt Prokop because after five years of dating, he didn’t take their breakup so well. According to Hyland, he was an abusive prick for almost the entire time they dated. Why she chose to stay with such a manipulative and violent asshole will be likely have to wait for her TV talk show appearances. Suffice it to say, she was young and she’s a hero. Over the summer he started calling her a cunt for dressing too showy and choking her in not the fun David Carradine way. When she finally called it quits, he threw a lighter at her, threatened to burn down her house, then sent her a bunch of frightening texts saying he was going to kill himself, or her, or their malitpoo. That’a a shitty dog young celebrities purchase together to look adorable in Us Weekly, at least between the beatings.
If I were Hyland’s dad I’d probably go and beat this kid with a garden rake. That wouldn’t stop him from continuing to stalk her, but it would still be fun. The precise tool used to finish him off would be something I’d be sure to Google on somebody else’s computer. When they’d come to search my Chrome, they’d just find ‘How to Be Super Helpful to Abusive Dickwads’ articles.
Photo Credit: Fame Flynet
By Jack February 21, 2014 @ 3:21 PM
Modern Family‘s pretend jailbait daughter, Sarah Hyland, had an overzealous fan cop a feel during a photocall event in Australia. The show was in Australia filming an episode to formally jump the shark and Hyland was headed to a party for the cast and crew at a Sydney hotel. A rapey looking dude approached her and asked to take a picture and Hyland said, sure, but she forgot to mention,by the way, please don’t grab my titties.. So the guy proceeded to honk her hamster which is how you say hello in sexual assaultville.. Hyland screamed out ‘don’t touch me there!’ just to make sure everybody’s imaginations would start running wild. Sarah’s team called security and the man was arrested for being excessively Australian.
Sarah apologized on Twitter to the rest of her fans who were not able to take photos with her that evening:
Sorry to all the fans outside the #qantas event that I didn’t get to say hi to but I had to leave due to an inappropriate touch of a fan.
I’m sure Qantas was pleased to be hashtagged in the inappropriate touching incident. They probably slaughtered ten kangaroos in lamentation. Sarah’s skinny boyfriend quickly took to Twitter to issue state he hoped the guy who grabbed his girl’s boobs wouldn’t live to see next week. It was very Tombstone of him. He later apologized on Twitter for his vague death threat and talked about saving the whales. He seems like just the man you want around when heavy shit goes down.
(Photo: NY Daily News, FameFlynet)
By Lex February 05, 2014 @ 5:20 PM
I guess there’s no real point in coming up with new stories for school girls when Twilight can just be redone a few more times. What was so wrong about reading about human girls discovering boys and their monthly and Mrs. Jones who got robbed at the mall by a gang of multicultural thieves? Now everything has to be about metrosexual vampires who look like Calvin Klein models hot enough to let grope your new boobs but who will respect your desire to save your virginity for when you marry your mom’s tennis instructor. This new trend can’t be good for America. It’s making us soft. Nancy Drew and The Hardy Boys helped us win the Cold War. This Vampire Academy shit is a green light to Al Qaeda to start bombing McDonald’s. Somebody in the White House needs to look at this shit before my McCafe goes boom.
Photo Credit: Getty
Sarah Hyland was spotted looking a bit flustered and uncomfortable while walking through LAX, but I really don’t know what all her confusion was about. I clearly stated follow the instructions, so relax, just do as you were told and no one gets hurt. It’s all right there on the paper! Just read it Sarah, Jesus Christ!
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
Sarah Hyland was at the unveiling of the Heart cologne campaign last night held at Dylan’s Candy Bar. She looked great for a pygmy version of Mila Kunis and to make up for the fact that she’s not as good as the actual Mila Kunis she showed off a solid amount of cleavage for a very modest chested young lady. You can look at it guilt free too because even though she may look 14, she’s actually 22 and thus quite legal. Upsetting, I know.
Photo Credit: Splash, WENN