SAG Awards Super Black

By Lex February 01, 2016 @ 6:36 AM

Straight-Out-of-Compton-Actors-at-SAG-Awards

It’d be racist to call the SAG Awards super black, except every single black actor in the universe noted it themselves in speeches and via Twitter. Idris Elba won an award for being super good looking and black and declared ‘welcome to diverse TV’. Diverse being the code word for black, because Asians and Latinos didn’t get shit. One man’s diversity is another man’s gonna get some for myself.

The SAG awards were bound to have many more black actor winners because it covers television where there is a beyond general population mirroring percentage of minority actors. Not even including the Basketball Wives and Kardashian sex partners. SAG saw the broad brush cracker attack on The Motion Picture Academy and didn’t want any of that. Affirmative action and attempts to compensate for perceived or real past discrimination necessarily discriminates against another party. But fuck you. Ben Affleck’s great-great-grandfather owned slaves. White guys used to get Oscars just for having neatly groomed mustaches. You had your day. Leonardo DiCaprio feels guilty. Though he won again. Save more elephants in Africa and fuck more women in St. Bart’s. Equality now.

Photo credit: FameFlynet

GQ Gets Girls With Racks That Care

By Lex December 04, 2015 @ 11:52 AM

The Cleavage Of The GQ Party
GQ is your gay friend who throws parties with tons of hot girls. I know you don’t have a gay friend who throws parties with tons of hot girls. Pretend. Large groups of attractive women feel cool and safe and half naked at his place because he’s consumed with the appropriate Windsor knot and if his signature punch has the right parts Prosecco. Also, he vouches for you and says you like to dance. There has to be a safe space for women to show off their tits and talk about the gender wage gap. Oh, there’s Charlotte McKinney. She says ISIL instead of ISIS. How pretentious. Turn on some house music. It’s time to dance.

Photo Credit: Getty

Sarah Hyland Is All Grown Up And Shit Around The Web

By Michael September 08, 2015 @ 12:00 PM

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Modern Family’s Sarah Hyland has grown up and out right before our eyes. Here she is hanging out with some friends in bikinis. She seems to be getting very friendly with one of those girlfriends too.

Sarah is totally legal so it’s OK. (Drunken Stepfather)

Sarah Tansy does a naked self portrait…with a duck. (Egotastic All-Stars)

The Rock heroically saves a dog that was drowning because he wasn’t watching it. (TMZ)

Girls tugging their clothes down for a peek. (The Chive)

Jorgie Porter lingeries just for you, you lucky bastard. (Hollywood Tuna)

Hailey Baldwin’s legs would look better wrapped around me. (Popoholic)

WWE’s Barbie Blank has one hell of a fucking bachlorette party. (COED)

Sarah Hyland Sexy Fire Girl

By Lex October 31, 2014 @ 1:49 PM

Sarah Hyland Wears Sexy Fire Woman Outfit On The Set Of Modern Family
I’m not sure what counselors are advising these days to current stalking victims, but I’m going to guess sharing upskirts in provocative fire woman outfits next to giant pink cupcakes isn’t one of them. Not that you should change your life because your psycho ex-boyfriend is tracking your every online move whilst bleeding onto your restraining order, that would mean the terrorists have won. Though sometimes the terrorists do win and it’s best to be hiding in a dark quite place when that happens. I’ve read their manual. They will kill the slutty looking fire girls first.

Photo Credit: Instagram/Twitter

Sarah Hyland’s Ex-Boyfriend Has Too Much Free Time

By Lex September 24, 2014 @ 12:31 PM

Sarah Hyland Wears A Short Dress On The Set Of Modern Family
There’s no way to evaluate whether or not your current squeeze is someday going to be your future crazy fucking ex. Actually, there is, but in the days of fresh sex and pet names, you’re too drunk with quim to notice. There certainly is a solid way to tell if somebody will have the time, energy, and fragile ego to be one ginormous pain in the ass ex. As a for instance, they’re an out of work child actor. That sounds like a guy who might snap, has every single waking hour free from obligation, and a shitload of knowledge about cell phones and social media accounts.

Sarah Hyland just got a restraining order against High School Musical 3 actor Matt Prokop because after five years of dating, he didn’t take their breakup so well. According to Hyland, he was an abusive prick for almost the entire time they dated. Why she chose to stay with such a manipulative and violent asshole will be likely have to wait for her TV talk show appearances. Suffice it to say, she was young and she’s a hero. Over the summer he started calling her a cunt for dressing too showy and choking her in not the fun David Carradine way. When she finally called it quits, he threw a lighter at her, threatened to burn down her house, then sent her a bunch of frightening texts saying he was going to kill himself, or her, or their malitpoo. That’a a shitty dog young celebrities purchase together to look adorable in Us Weekly, at least between the beatings.

If I were Hyland’s dad I’d probably go and beat this kid with a garden rake. That wouldn’t stop him from continuing to stalk her, but it would still be fun. The precise tool used to finish him off would be something I’d be sure to Google on somebody else’s computer. When they’d come to search my Chrome, they’d just find ‘How to Be Super Helpful to Abusive Dickwads’ articles.

Photo Credit: Fame Flynet

Sarah Hyland Got Felt Up Down Under

By Michael February 21, 2014 @ 3:21 PM

 

Modern Family‘s pretend jailbait daughter, Sarah Hyland, had an overzealous fan cop a feel during a photocall event in Australia. The show was in Australia filming an episode to formally jump the shark and Hyland was headed to a party for the cast and crew at a Sydney hotel. A rapey looking dude approached her and asked to take a picture and Hyland said, sure, but she forgot to mention,by the way, please don’t grab my titties.. So the guy proceeded to honk her hamster which is how you say hello in sexual assaultville.. Hyland screamed out ‘don’t touch me there!’ just to make sure everybody’s imaginations would start running wild. Sarah’s team called security and the man was arrested for being excessively Australian.

Sarah apologized on Twitter to the rest of her fans who were not able to take photos with her that evening:

Sorry to all the fans outside the #qantas event that I didn’t get to say hi to but I had to leave due to an inappropriate touch of a fan.

I’m sure Qantas was pleased to be hashtagged in the inappropriate touching incident. They probably slaughtered ten kangaroos in lamentation. Sarah’s skinny boyfriend quickly took to Twitter to issue state he hoped the guy who grabbed his girl’s boobs wouldn’t live to see next week. It was very Tombstone of him. He later apologized on Twitter for his vague death threat and talked about saving the whales. He seems like just the man you want around when heavy shit goes down.

(Photo: NY Daily News, FameFlynet)