11.06.2006 SCARLETTS SEX TAPE IS NOW FOR SALE

An email went out this weekend saying that the Scarlett Johansson (?) sex tape (see more here) is now for sale through this maybe real/maybe not website. The email said:

Ladies and Gentlemen,
Sorry for the delay. We needed to get some advice before proceeding.
This will be the process:
Let’s skip the marketing 101 with lower perceived price points of $19.95 or
$19.98.
The price is $20.
We will be using Paypal. No exceptions.

Model-y sounding Adriana sent an email and said the clue on the website - a red "A" - might also stand for Demi Moore, because she was in the movie "the Scarlet Letter", but a better clue for her would probably be a picture of a cougar. Or maybe a picture of me drinking ovaltine in little footie pajamas and hanging up a 3-D horse poster, since that's also about the last time I wanted to think about Demi Moore blowing anyone.

Tags: scarlett johansson |

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11.03.2006 LINDSAY LOHAN HAS A SEX TAPE?

For about a week now, a website called 'scenesfromacar' has offered what they claim to be the audio of a sex act featuring a well known star, who they describe only as “a regular in US Weekly, high seven figure salary per film“. That star is Lindsay Lohan. Or maybe not. But probably. Just do the math, man. The site says:

It all started when I was walking near the sound tent and my buddy waived me over, smiling and chuckling to himself. He handed me a pair of headphones and informed me that (the actresses) mic was still on … she gets into a vehicle and shares some sweet talk with a guy. I thought she had a boyfriend, but I don’t recognize this guy’s voice … There is some rustling, then the vehicle door opens … She reclines the seat and gets back in. Skip ahead, here is some more sweet talk, then some more rustling, then they start kissing and so forth … THEN, for twelve minutes and forty seven seconds, she gives him the sexiest blow job I have ever heard capped off by the words “Yeah, cum”.

Lindsays legend lives on! I didn't post this last week after brave brave Robert valiantly braved a series of dangerous tasks, each more grueling than the last, and sent it in, because I was hoping to hear back from the website after several emails. I never did, so who knows if this is even real. All we know for sure is that this is 100 percent real and that it is Lindsay Lohan. Man, she sure does love fuckin people. Her lungs must be amazing at this point. In fact I heard she can survive underwater for three days.

(btw, told you Linds was getting tubby. Someone needs to get back on the coke. Or start wearing stripes. And I don't mean vertical stripes, I mean racing stripes, maybe that will help her move faster and lose that double chin.)

SUPER SEXY UPDATE - Whatever you do, don't play reader Comron in poker. The dude is like a deductive genius or something. He points out that the clue on the page might mean the girl in the tape isn't Lindsay, but maybe Scarlett Johansson, another girl who fit's the bill and has a very distinctive voice Comron writes, "At the bottom of the page it says, 'For those that wanted a hint (infer what you will from this)'. Then it shows a red A. A red 'A' is the Scarlet letter."

6 photos in gallery >

Tags: lindsay lohan, scarlett johansson |

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10.25.2006 WHAT KIND OF LAME ASS PARTY IS THIS

What the points of a Halloween party if none of the chicks are dressed up like a Hooters waitress or a sexy Indian. You can tell Giselle is hot cause any normal girl would get stabbed for wearing this to a Halloween party. It’s not even a real mask. She might as well have just put in some damn contacts. Scarlett looks ridiculous. That mask is just dumb. She clearly just wanted to look sexy and it didn't work at all. Pictures of shark attack victims are sexier than this. The only interesting part of the night would be watching Pete Doherty and a pregnant Kate Moss deform their kid right before our eyes. She's gonna end up giving birth to a dragon.

12 photos in gallery >

Tags: giselle, kate moss, scarlett johansson |

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10.23.2006 SCARLETT JOHANSSON IN ‘ALLURE’

Staring at Scarlett Johansson’s impossible rack in this months Allure magazine is like going on a journey where dreams are not only encouraged, they come true. The only bad news is that I have no idea how I'm gonna buy an Allure magazine with out looking like a total homo. Those magazines are so conspicuous. You might as well try to sneak up to the counter with a clown on a donkey. But it's still totally worth it. I stared at Scarletts chest for about 20 minutes and the next thing I remember I was walking next to a waterfall while a winged lion told me I could do it if I just believe. True story.

(higher-res version of the only one that matters here.)

3 photos in gallery >

Tags: scarlett johansson |

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10.18.2006 STUFF FROM ALL OVER

Janet Jacksons new record is a failure. TMZ says "The CD debuted three weeks ago, selling 296,873 copies. The second week, sales plunged 74% to 77,240 units. The typical second week drop is 40%. (In the third week) sales dropped to 42,240 units, a 45% plunge from the second week. Janet's CD debuted at number two on the charts, dropped to number nine the second week and then went down to number 19 the third week." Janet’s probably pretty depressed by all this, so if you're her Secret Santa this year, a pretty good gift would probably be a gun.

Pam Anderson and Kid Rock want to have a baby, according to Us Magazine. "Pam and Kid have talked about it for a long time. Kid wanted to get back with Pam partly because of this, but she didn’t know he wanted a child. They are trying really hard right now." And who could blame her! Rawr!

Scarlet Johansson had a record deal announced this week for an album called "Scarlett Sings Tom Waits". On the album, Scarlett sings Tom Waits. Not sure if that was clear. You can decide for yourself if Scarlett can sing by listening to her version of "Summertime" here or here (the one from Porgy and Bess, not the Sundays). You might like it. I listened to about thirty seconds of it until I realized what I was doing and stopped.

6 photos in gallery >

Tags: janet jackson, kid rock, pam anderson, scarlett johansson |

31 Comments

10.10.2006 SCARLETT IS ONLY KINDA SLUTTY

Scarlett Johansson says she gets an AIDS test twice a year, not because she sleeps around, but simply to be responsible. Scarlett says:

"I get tested for HIV twice a year. One has to be socially aware. It's part of being a decent human, to be tested for STDs. It's disgusting when people don't. It's so irresponsible. But contrary to popular belief, I'm not promiscuous."

Scarlett Johansson had sex in an elevator with Benicio del Toro when she was 19 and he was 37 (link), so apparently one of us doesn't understand what "promiscuous" means. In fact, one of us isn't even close. Maybe they were in love, but if not, I'm pretty sure being on the business end of a penis two seconds after the door to your public transportation closes qualifies you as "easy". "Fun" at the very least.