The New York Post reports today that Scarlett Johansson has a, "steamy lesbian sex scene" with Penelope Cruz in Woody Allen's new movie. They say:
A source tells us: "It is also extremely erotic. People will be blown away and even shocked. Penelope and Scarlett go at it in a red-tinted photography dark room, and it will leave the audience gasping." The women later have a threesome with Javier Bardem, who plays Penelope's husband.
Whatever. This movie is called "Vicky Cristina Barcelona", not "Pussymans House Party". There’s no way "Vicky Cristina Barcelona" is gonna leave people gasping. I want to see Scarlett's rack too but there's almost no chance at that. At best two back-lit silhouettes will lick each others fingers or something. Real porno features hotter chicks, way more degrading sex and less stammering pauses during the dialogue. Real porno has girls complaining because it got in their eye, Woody Allen movies have him complaining that Jews can't play basketball. Advantage: Hardcore Porn.
Most Hollywood people loathe the military so it's nice to see big stars like Scarlett Johansson go across the world to support them, like she did last week with the 11th Marine Expeditionary Unit in Kuwait. That bitch is brave. She's the embodiment of everything people over there hate. An slutty American with big tits, fair skin, blue eyes and blond hair. She’s like the devil to them, as mysterious and scary as an eclipse or fire. Hopefully she drove a car and voted, just because it would be funny to watch those rock-throwing savages go all apeshit.
Did you see what I did there? I wrote the headline as a question like this was unbelievable news. Now you're all intrigued and can't stop reading. I'm clever. The New York Daily News says:
Her rep is denying it, but a very good source tells me we can soon expect an engagement announcement from actors Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson.
The couple have been an item for almost a year. Reynolds ended his engagement to fellow Canadian Alanis Morissette last February, and by April he was spotted on a date with Johansson at the Odeon in Tribeca, looking very much in love.
They've been serious for a while and even bought houses within a half mile of each other in the Hollywood Hills (that's Scarletts with the blue tarp - she was getting a new roof - and Ryans is the U shaped beneath it). Which is all the more amazing because damn near every dude in Hollywood has snaked out that trap of hers. I even have a buddy who swears he had a three-some with her once. I had a four-some one time. It was golf, but still, pretty sexy, huh?
(picture source = bauer griffin)
Us magazines cover story this week has a prominent picture of Scarlett Johansson and it asks the question, "Did they or didn't they". It's all about A-listers in Hollywood getting plastic surgery. And even though Us quotes her as once saying, "I definitely believe in plastic surgery. I don't want to be an old hag", now Scarlett is threatening to sue Us for implying she's had surgery. Her lawyer says:
"US Weekly's cover story regarding Scarlett Johansson and its clear implication that she has had plastic or cosmetic surgery on her nose is an outrageous and defamatory fabrication lacking any conceivable basis or proof, despite vehement denials by Ms. Johansson prior to publication," reads a statement from her rep, exclusively to OK!. "Not surprisingly, US magazine cannot provide the dates when she supposedly had this surgery, who performed the surgery, or what was supposedly done — all because there simply is no truth to the story. The publication made a pathetic attempt to validate its story by using two cover photos of Scarlett that were taken years apart with obviously different make-up and lighting, and then relying on an "expert’s opinion” (based solely on looking at the two photos) on what "might" have been done. It wasn't."
And Scarlett tells OK!:
"I have always been straightforward with the press regarding my body image and I am very concerned that my fans (and perhaps even my employers) will feel mislead. Thus, I feel compelled to take immediate legal action against US Weekly."
I don't know if she got surgery or not, but it certainly looks like her nose went from big to less big. Maybe she's just been working out. I'm not sure how that works. I don't worry about this stuff because I'm so naturally hot. It's why in high school, I was presented with a jewel encrusted goblet after being voted "King of Bitches".
Scarlett Johansson is apparently up to the R’s on IMDb, so now she's "dating" Ryan Reynolds. And when his birthday came up earlier this week, naturally she covered one of her wisdom teeth in gold and put it on a chain for him to wear. Because, you know, why wouldn’t you? E online says:
Ryan’s B-day was Tuesday, and last weekend, Scar-doll threw the slinky Smokin’ Aces studster an early bash at Chateau Marmont. How very nice. Can you guess what terribly unique prezzie S.J. picked to gift Ry with? Oh, never mind, there’s no way you’ll ever guess, so we’ll just spill: one of her pearly whites. Yep, you read right.
“She’d just had her wisdom teeth removed, so she had one dipped in gold and strung on a necklace for him,” says our source.
Thank god she didn't cover it in chocolate or the tubby bitch would have eaten it. No, fatty, put that down! Not everything is food fatty!
According to the always accurate, never sensational UK Sun, Scarlett Johansson will soon be traveling to a sand country to entertain the troops. Since she's not really a singer or comedienne, and she doesn't really have the power to tell them they can come home, you might wonder what exactly she'll be doing to raise morale.
"I don't know if I will sing for them. I'll probably just take to the stage and ooze sex appeal and hang around.
Makes sense. Chicks with huge tits always make me want to shoot Arabs and drive around in a Hummer. Double D burqa, anyone?
But 'ooze sex appeal'? Doesn't she know we have pills for that now? Pills that allow you to kayak? I'm never going kayaking. If TV has taught me anything, it's that everyone who kayaks has herpes. - LM
