By Travis February 12, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
As disappointing as it is to see someone as young and hot as Charlize Theron dating an arrogant old fart like Sean Penn, they might actually be pretty perfect for each other. Beyond all of the charity crap and their love of foreign kids, there might not be two actors alive who act like bigger assholes when someone points a camera at them, and if they could somehow add Alec Baldwin into their lovemaking, they’d become the Voltron shitty, angry faces. They can act like they hate the attention all they want, but as long as they keep making it look like Charlize is rubbing one out for him in the car ride home from their fancy Beverly Hills restaurant, they’re going to have cameras lodged firmly in their faces until she eventually leaves him because he’s nailing a 22-year old.
Photo Credits: FayesVision/WENN.com
By Lex February 04, 2014 @ 5:33 PM
One minute you’re enjoying life in an African orphanage and next thing you know, some white chick from the movies whisks you to an entirely new continent to have play dates with adopted Chinese babies and to meet her latest boyfriend on the beach. You might be just two-years old, but you know this old steroid freak with a violent criminal record is going to fuck up your new white baby mama something fierce. You don’t need that shit. Better to be eaten by Simba because somebody left the backdoor open at the orphanage overnight. When you’re a black kid in a shitty country, you know the sight of Sean Penn is the worst kind of omen. You tell him to drop the grain bags and fly the fuck out of there before his girlfriend gobbles up any more of the healthy babies.
Photo credit: INF Photos
By Lex January 13, 2014 @ 7:09 PM
Hard to believe it’s already the third annual Sean Penn and Friends Help Haiti Gala. Let’s not be coy here, Sean Penn doesn’t have any friends. This is all Sean Penn. He’s lifting Haiti like mighty Atlas, aided only by as much liquid human growth hormone as Charlize Theron is willing to shoot into his scaly ass cheeks without getting the willies. When Sean Penn first started his mission in post-Earthquake Haiti, the nation was as downtrodden, impoverished, and corrupt a nation as you’d find on this planet. Three years later and you could easily argue that Congo is worse. Sometimes, making a difference means putting on a suit and showing off your hot new young girlfriend at a Beverly Hills hotel. Sean Penn will do that. Three times now.
Photo Credit: PCN
By Lex January 07, 2014 @ 5:55 PM
Sean Penn is a lethal weapon. His fists of fury can’t just be let loose into a sea of paparazzi pestering him about nailing Charlize Theron with his Oscar winning dick. Somebody is going to get whacked in the sensitives. So the L.A. Sheriff’s showed up to escort Sean from the restaurant door to his car a few feet away. That’s called proactive policing. As would advising Charlize to stay with her mom during Sean’s roid rages. At the first sign of back acne swelling during an ‘I’m not fucking Spicoli rant’, grab the overnight bag and flee through the nearest exit, door or window. Come back when he calls you crying to tell you he misses the special velvety wrap of just your vagina. But, remember, he’s a really good actor. Don’t go back to soon.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News
By Lex January 06, 2014 @ 1:50 PM
I don’t know what voodoo power resides in the Penn penis but it’s fucking disturbing. It’s some black sorcery that the NSA ought to investigate rather than listening to me talk dirty to a woman who I secretly worry is really a man. We can’t let Al Qaeda get their hands on that magic cock. Charlize Theron isn’t exactly the homely chick looking to settle. Sean Penn whipped out his shaft and told Charlize she would be taking his gift for the next three to six months. Charlize nodded her head compliantly, turned on the soundtrack to Colors, and told Sean to tag her like a vato. When Sean was spent, Charlize got in line at Starbucks to get her master a half-soy latte. Sean sat in the car pensively wondering how many more years he had before the devil came to collect on his soul.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet
By Lex December 31, 2013 @ 6:18 PM
Guess what, bub. Life isn’t fair. 2013, the year before, the coming year, makes no difference. Sean Penn gets to bang Scarlett Johansson, now Charlize Theron. Next he’ll travel back to the 70′s and nail pre-ass cancer Farrah and scale Mount Olympus with his HGH popping older man muscles and rail the snot out of Aphrodite. It doesn’t make sense. I know. But it’s happening. You could lay back and be thankful for all the gifts in your life. But where the hell will that get you? You think Bill Gates stopped making his shitty software when the rest of the world started making everything better and cheaper? No. He destroyed and bullied the entire world into submission and put out ten even more crappy versions of Windows and whatever the fuck Access is. Don’t let Sean Penn get all the good pussy. You know you deserve it more than he does. Build a machine that will destroy him and launch it on no-return autopilot in case you lose the will to go through with what must be done. You didn’t hear that from me, but let me know when it’s done.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI, Splash