Selena Gomez Is a Lesbian Now

By Lex July 23, 2014 @ 7:29 AM

Selena-Gomez-and-Cara-Delevingne

Lesbians are the new revenge fuck. It used to be when a girl wanted to drive home a point with her cheating ex, she’d fuck some handsome tool or maybe even her ex’s buddy if she had a bit of sinister in her. Now it’s lesbian thunkenmunchers. It’s the indisputable implication that you’re getting what he could never give you. Michelle Rodriguez or one of her scissor kissing coven like Cara Delevingne are always up for a game of I ruined your girlfriend. All you need is a yacht, some champagne, and a broken heart. Crank up the Tegan & Sara and set a course for adventure!

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, INFphoto.com

Selena Gomez Has Found Her Motto

By Matt July 17, 2014 @ 6:43 AM

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Selena Gomez perfectly captured her generation’s mantra in a new tattoo, which reads Love Yourself First. It was translated from an Arabic phrase, because translating common phrases from a foreign language is a good way to make idiotic tattoos seem exotic. Tats also serve to advertise your global spirituality while not requiring you to actually read a book or even a lengthy pamphlet. Being a Muslim seems cool but I’m not fucking reading the Quran when I still have three more Harry Potter books to go.

I was curious as to who Gomez considered the star of her solar system ever since her new porn star tits blocked the pop ups on my web browser. I remember the golden rule about loving others like you want them to love you. This Love Yourself First axiom is just a slight celebrity twist on that old standard. Though it’s also possible it was incorrectly translated from Arabic and the phrase is actually supposed to read, Death to Israel, Falafel half price before 5pm. Yeah, that was kind of racist

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Selena Gomez’s New Boobs Are Bittersweet

By Lex July 10, 2014 @ 11:43 AM

Selena Gomez Goes Braless In New York
I can’t tell if she had implants or the elasticity of her top is making her commando boobs look bigger than before, but it seems pretty fucking haute couture to me. For those who don’t speak the romance languages, Haute couture is French for I show my tits off at parties you’re not invited to.

Selena had a broken-hearted girl collapse on social media this week apparently related to seeing her mini-Svengali spanking skanks on his Fourth of July booze cruise. She started posting sad videos of herself playing piano and posting photos of desolate landscapes with hopelessly emo captions:

Always said I was going to end up there, but I guess that’s where it was meant to end.

Holy Hello Kitty diary nonsense. I wish I spoke wallowing girl so I could translate that. The lesson here is even seemingly successful women make bad choices in men and it ruins them forever. That’s the lesson I’m taking away at least, you’re welcome to find your own. I bet mine goes over better at the angry women’s annual luncheon.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Selena Gomez’s New Rack And Shit Around The Web

By Jack July 01, 2014 @ 3:57 PM

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Selena Gomez is thinking about getting some big beautiful fake titties to please the little Canadian fella she calls her man. It’s a big decision in a young woman’s life to get implants, though once you’ve made the decision to let Justin Bieber be your sexual Svengali, it’s not like people are going to judge you on the rest.

Read more on the subject of Selena’s bad decisions. (IDKYTW)

Ben Affleck won’t let Jennifer Garner have male friends. .(Fox News)

That shitty Community show is going to be on Yahoo along with cat videos. (io9)

Kim Kardashian forgot her bra on her way to lunch in the Hamptons.(Huffington Post)

Hermione’s ass is…bewitching…OK, I’ll stop.(The Chive)

Kelly Osborne gets head tattooed because she doesn’t have a real job.(DListed)

Paris Hilton is still alive and so are her tits.(Hollywood Tuna)

Selena Gomez Is Free From Justin Bieber’s Penis

By Travis May 21, 2014 @ 1:00 PM

Selena Gomez is free in a bikini

Selena Gomez has been pretty quiet in recent weeks, at least since she left her rehab stint early to promote some film that nobody cared about at Sundance. Selena was in rehab because she was addicted to love, and she just couldn’t get enough of Justin Bieber’s big, black dick, and she most recently tried to get over it by helping Orlando Bloom continue to pretend that he didn’t make the biggest mistake of his elven life by breaking up with Miranda Kerr. But now Selena’s on her own, as she claimed in this Instagram photo that she’s taking her power back, and she can’t wait to show us where she’s been. And if she’s been to an all-lesbian strip club for wet panties contests, I am ready to declare the bravest woman on the face of the planet.

Spring Breakers Is Getting A Sequel

By Lex May 07, 2014 @ 4:16 PM

Ashley Benson Selena Gomez Vanessa Hudgens And Rachel Korine Pose In Bikinis For 'Spring Breakers' Promos
When you’re the 126th top grossing film of the year, there’s going to be pressure to create a sequel. Even without the original writers, director, and at least half the cast, Spring Breakers will likely be getting a sequel. If you missed it the first time, it was another freaky pedo-leaning Harmony Korine art house film where his young wife got naked with a bunch of other topless girls in bikinis while really fucking annoying house music played throughout like Paris Hilton was DJing the score. He got James Franco riffing in the film, and Selena Gomez and Vanessa Hudgens and Ashley Benson to swear and run around in bikinis and guns and almost show their tits, so it was worth a watch. But a sequel? This might taint the sanctity of the sequel that Hollywood holds dear, with only 95.7% of sequels either being completely unnecessary, sucking horrible, or both. Transformers excluded, naturally. We need the world to buy more fucking Dodges. Nevertheless, if Selena Gomez takes her top off, I’m in for twelve bucks. I know I’ll be disappointed, but at least I’ll have a honorable explanation for why I went.

Photo Credit: Spring Breakers