By Lex July 23, 2014 @ 10:41 AM
I remember what I got for my 22nd birthday. An eviction notice. Selena Gomez got herself some new tits, a lesbian mentor, and a ride on a billionaire’s yacht. Given the option, I would have taken the lesbian tits on a boat thing too.
As somebody who’s documented lots of girls having sex together via the Internet, I can tell you this thing always starts with girls jumping off high ledges into the water. It’s a lesbian initiation ritual. Some kind of vagina-on-vagina baptism of giggles and screams. I bet you won’t jump, Selena. I bet you won’t touch my boobs under my bikini. It happens that fast. Next thing you know you’re wearing toe rings and exploring Indigo Girls deep tracks on iTunes. Given that Selena lost her cherry to Justin Bieber, she can really only work her way up the sexual food chain. Scissor kissing young euro models doesn’t seem too horrible. I just hope they’re running tape on this.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, FameFlynet
By Lex July 23, 2014 @ 7:29 AM
Lesbians are the new revenge fuck. It used to be when a girl wanted to drive home a point with her cheating ex, she’d fuck some handsome tool or maybe even her ex’s buddy if she had a bit of sinister in her. Now it’s lesbian thunkenmunchers. It’s the indisputable implication that you’re getting what he could never give you. Michelle Rodriguez or one of her scissor kissing coven like Cara Delevingne are always up for a game of I ruined your girlfriend. All you need is a yacht, some champagne, and a broken heart. Crank up the Tegan & Sara and set a course for adventure!
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News, INFphoto.com
By Matt July 17, 2014 @ 6:43 AM
Selena Gomez perfectly captured her generation’s mantra in a new tattoo, which reads Love Yourself First. It was translated from an Arabic phrase, because translating common phrases from a foreign language is a good way to make idiotic tattoos seem exotic. Tats also serve to advertise your global spirituality while not requiring you to actually read a book or even a lengthy pamphlet. Being a Muslim seems cool but I’m not fucking reading the Quran when I still have three more Harry Potter books to go.
I was curious as to who Gomez considered the star of her solar system ever since her new porn star tits blocked the pop ups on my web browser. I remember the golden rule about loving others like you want them to love you. This Love Yourself First axiom is just a slight celebrity twist on that old standard. Though it’s also possible it was incorrectly translated from Arabic and the phrase is actually supposed to read, Death to Israel, Falafel half price before 5pm. Yeah, that was kind of racist
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex July 10, 2014 @ 11:43 AM
I can’t tell if she had implants or the elasticity of her top is making her commando boobs look bigger than before, but it seems pretty fucking haute couture to me. For those who don’t speak the romance languages, Haute couture is French for I show my tits off at parties you’re not invited to.
Selena had a broken-hearted girl collapse on social media this week apparently related to seeing her mini-Svengali spanking skanks on his Fourth of July booze cruise. She started posting sad videos of herself playing piano and posting photos of desolate landscapes with hopelessly emo captions:
Always said I was going to end up there, but I guess that’s where it was meant to end.
Holy Hello Kitty diary nonsense. I wish I spoke wallowing girl so I could translate that. The lesson here is even seemingly successful women make bad choices in men and it ruins them forever. That’s the lesson I’m taking away at least, you’re welcome to find your own. I bet mine goes over better at the angry women’s annual luncheon.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
By Jack July 01, 2014 @ 3:57 PM
Selena Gomez is thinking about getting some big beautiful fake titties to please the little Canadian fella she calls her man. It’s a big decision in a young woman’s life to get implants, though once you’ve made the decision to let Justin Bieber be your sexual Svengali, it’s not like people are going to judge you on the rest.
Read more on the subject of Selena’s bad decisions. (IDKYTW)
Ben Affleck won’t let Jennifer Garner have male friends. .(Fox News)
That shitty Community show is going to be on Yahoo along with cat videos. (io9)
Kim Kardashian forgot her bra on her way to lunch in the Hamptons.(Huffington Post)
Hermione’s ass is…bewitching…OK, I’ll stop.(The Chive)
Kelly Osborne gets head tattooed because she doesn’t have a real job.(DListed)
Paris Hilton is still alive and so are her tits.(Hollywood Tuna)
By Travis May 21, 2014 @ 1:00 PM
Selena Gomez has been pretty quiet in recent weeks, at least since she left her rehab stint early to promote some film that nobody cared about at Sundance. Selena was in rehab because she was addicted to love, and she just couldn’t get enough of Justin Bieber’s big, black dick, and she most recently tried to get over it by helping Orlando Bloom continue to pretend that he didn’t make the biggest mistake of his elven life by breaking up with Miranda Kerr. But now Selena’s on her own, as she claimed in this Instagram photo that she’s taking her power back, and she can’t wait to show us where she’s been. And if she’s been to an all-lesbian strip club for wet panties contests, I am ready to declare the bravest woman on the face of the planet.