To be fair to children in general, a better headline might be “Award Shows Are Incredibly Stupid”, but since the Kids Choice Awards took place in Los Angeles on Saturday, we’ll stick to making fun of the little morons for now. Hosted by actor Josh Duhamel, who got the job after finishing third in a Timothy Olyphant lookalike contest, this year’s Kids Choice Awards honored a number of people who were willing to show up, including Katy Perry’s breasts and One Direction.
But the big winner of the night was Kristen Stewart, who was named Favorite Movie Actress for her breathtaking performance as a girl who looks confused in Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part Thank God It’s Over.
Sandra Bullock and Neil Patrick Harris were likewise drenched in the green goo while presenting the award for favorite movie actress. Winner Kristen Stewart, recognized for her role in “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 2,” joined in by hugging Bullock, getting messy in the process. Stewart also won the prize for favorite female buttkicker for her role in “Snow White and the Huntsman.”
Other film winners included Johnny Depp, who attended but was not slimed, as favorite movie actor for “Dark Shadows.” Favorite movie went to “The Hunger Games,” with “Wreck-It Ralph” winning favorite animated movie. Favorite voice from an animated movie went to Adam Sandler for “Hotel Transylvania,” and Dwayne Johnson won favorite male buttkicker for “Journey 2: The Mysterious Island.” (L.A. Times)
Of course Johnny Depp didn’t get slimed. God forbid someone get some sticky goo on his bitchin’ leather bracelets. But it’s great that Depp’s performance in the PG-13 Dark Shadows was honored by children in 22 countries, as there wasn’t a middle school cafeteria that wasn’t buzzing over that movie last year. “Hey, did you see Dark Shadows,” the cool kids would ask, adding, “My bad, I forgot you were giving birth.”
Last week Gucci Mane DROPPED Waka Flocka from his label – when he heard rumors that Waka had SMASHED actress Selena Gomez. And these rumors ain’t coming from just anybody. MediaTakeOut.com got its hands on TWEETS sent from BRICK SQUAD rapper/soldier Lil Skitzz. And according to Lil Skitzz not only did Waka SMASH . . . but he says that Brick SQUAD did a little CHOO CHOO with Justin’s ex. - MediaTakeOut
Speechless. Absolutely speechless. I’m going to take this rumor with a big-ass grain of salt, but the internet has never steered me wrong before. Could it be? I’d like to say given the chance I’d jump on board the pound town express with my bro’s but I have the body of a young Chris Farley, am hesitantly confident I have a smaller penis than any of my friends, my ability to please a woman sexually is questionable at best, and I could deal with only one horribly unsatisfied person critiquing my technique at a time. Long story short, I couldn’t handle an audience. But, yeah, I’d drink a beer and watch.
Jesus, this story feels so dirty. Please let it be true.
Selena Gomez was on Letterman last night. The conversation inevitably turned to her relationship with Justin Bieber. That’s where she released the Latin heat she’s been hiding all this time.
“No I’m single,” said Gomez. “I’m so good.”
As the crowd applauded the 20-year-old “Spring Breakers” star, the host continued with a recount of the last time Bieber was on his show.
“He said something, and I said something, and I made him cry.”" said Letterman.
Gomez laughed before saying, “well then, that makes two of us.”
After hearing this, Bieber leaped off his highchair and grabbed several crisp 100 dollar bills to wipe away his tears. He then grabbed his binky and his keys, and hopped into one of his 500,000 dollar cars and rode off to one of his three mansions to be alone with his thoughts. He must be so bummed, how will he ever find solace?
You don’t have to like the guy, but he’s worth about 19 times more than Gomez and that’s where true happiness comes from. Expensive things. I’d give anything to get paid what he does to be an untalented asshole. Hell, I pretty much do it for free here everyday. But first point to Selena I guess.
According to people who listen to really shitty pop music, that above video of Selena Gomez and girls that she makes out with in my brain is what some people call a “diss track”. The intended target of Selena’s fiery rage is her twat of an ex-boyfriend Justin Bieber, whose downward spiral is apparently in full effect, but she just needs to get over his tiny pecker already and focus on our, I mean, her future.
But before she moves on, she has one hilarious story to tell about how her dad used to take her to Hooters all the time when she was a kid and she’d trick the big-breasted waitresses into becoming her new mommies.
“When I was 7, my dad would go to Hooters to watch [San Antonio] Spurs games,” the Texas native told Harper’s Bazaar magazine.
“But he started noticing that when I would come, with my little pigtails, all the waitresses would be like, ‘Hey!’ So he ended up half spending time with me but with all those cute girls coming over.”
The “Spring Breakers” star didn’t find her role creepy at all. She laughed it off: “And that became our thing.” (New York Post)
Of course that’s not creepy. That’s why every married man is in Hooter’s in the first place, because of that delusional hope that maybe, just maybe, one of those perky, bouncy, slutty waitresses will say, “When you’re done with those mediocre wings, I’d like to give you oral sex in the bathroom.” That’s why Hooters thrives and places like Bennigan’s with waitresses in pants are long gone.
There are two types of dudes in this world. The kind who can’t stop thinking about the men their girl was with before them. And the kind who are able to let it go. The second group is split evenly between guys who really are secure enough to not feel a need to compete with every other man in this world and guys so happy to be getting some they know better than to bring stupid shit up from the past.
But, if Justin Bieber was there before, that does strain the lines of the camp a little?
Despite the fact she’s still a bit jailbait looking, I think Selena Gomez is the perfect little pop tartlet. She’s got the whole Latina thing working perfect, she’s petite, she’s got that schoolgirl giggle, and she manages to make the most of her little body. But, man, as much as I’d try to put it out of my mind, even the slightest echo from her about how ‘Justin used to like to wear my makeup’ and I think my boys would shrivel up like they’d just taken a dip on that one warm Spring day around Lake Michigan when you’re sure the water isn’t as cold as it looks.
Here’s pictures of Selena on set of her new music video.
Justin Bieber ran around London yesterday grabbing his dick and wearing a gas mask. I’m told the cops over there don’t carry guns. Excellent. I’m also told Bieber is a huge Argentina fan. To be clear, Scotland Yard, my endgame here is for you to beat Justin Bieber to death. I asked America, we’re all cool with it.