By Lex March 18, 2015 @ 10:03 AM
According to Hollywood Life, which somehow always receives the best completely anonymous sources, Selena Gomez is begging her new effeminate boyfriend not to watch the Comedy Central Justin Bieber Roast because of all the nasty sex jokes made at her expense. Zedd, as he’s known in circle jerk parlance, has vowed to honor his lady’s request and support her one-hundred percent. That seems aggressive, but practical. Her vagina alone makes him somewhat queasy. Jokes about her snatch will only send him back to reprogramming camp for another extended session.
Among the other shitty features of the highly staged Comedy Central ratings whoring was the repeated belittling of Selena Gomez who wasn’t even present to defend herself with professionally written comebacks. That’s just poor roast form. Losing your virginity to Justin Bieber ought to be punishment enough for one lifetime. If Charles Manson were fucked by Bieber, I’d petition to let him free too. I stand with Selena. And Zedd. Though slightly closer to Selena in case anybody’s taking incriminating pictures.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Matt February 27, 2015 @ 8:04 AM
Selena Gomez posted a grammatically challenged inspirational spiel to her Instagram account for all the troubled souls who read in pictures. The intention was there but her execution launched past the orange cones and ended up mangled in netting and brain dead in the hospital on the ski slope of life. I think she’s getting through to me:
“God puts us in situations that are so unexplainably difficult for a reason. There is someone in the world feeling so much, just like you. There is someone who will always have it better or have it way worse than you. The point of all of that is for to feel not alone. My point is, your are not alone in this world. People everyday feel so many emotions they wish they could turn it off. But that’s not why we are here. We are here for relationships, for people just like us who feel worthless. Your purpose is to share, help, encourage. Remember that. Please.”
If your self worth is bolstered by a barely legal functioning illiterate you might just want to warm up the engine a few extra minutes. Shut the door you’re letting the heat out. Nobody cares about your philosophical musings. Have some taste next time and cite an Aerosmith ballad. In fact just quote anyone but yourself. Nice tits.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Lex February 17, 2015 @ 9:10 AM
At some point Selena Gomez is going to announces she’s twelve and Stephen Collins and the dude from Dateline jump out from behind the kitchen island and tell us we’re no better than them. I know she’s desperately going for that sex kitten over her last boyfriend bit, but she looks like her stage mom just took her picture on the way to a 7th grade dance. If anybody asks, she told us she was twenty-two and she even brought beer to the party. Nobody needs to go down for this if we all stick to the script.
Photo Credit: V Magazine
By Lex February 11, 2015 @ 9:08 AM
As in the case with all things in life, once you get back on the sex bike, you pretty much forget your last tandem. Selena Gomez is freshly in loin love with DJ Zedd. I could look him up, but I already know I’ll think he’s a shmuck. He’s gorgeous, if you like twelve year olds with pasted on facial hair. If he can bang her without looking at his little baby muscles in the mirror and talking about how Ontario wants to name a holiday after him, go with God. No man is worth bulimia and binge drinking. One or the other, not both, unless you’ve got a guaranteed contract from Bravo.
Gomez posted a naughty picture of herself on Instagram to show she’s freed herself from her miniature Svengali. I can’t remember if women posting showy photos of themselves is a sign they’re finally over the last guy or a desperate cry for him to come back. Check the upper floor windows on her home late Valentine’s evening. Bieber can get through very tiny spaces and his ego isn’t going to take this well.
Photo Credit: Instagram
By Jack January 21, 2015 @ 12:00 PM
Turning eighteen means many things to many different people. When you’re a social media creation, it means it’s time to go offline and start doing shoots that show off your tits.
Lia Marie Johnson shows off her youthful boobage for your viewing pleasure. (Egotastic)
Shahs of Sunset slut Golnesa “GG” Gharachedaghi has some giant fake titties. (TMZ)
Theo Huxtable comes to Bill Cosby’s defense because of the pudding on the face. (Huffington Post)
Miranda Kerr in lingerie makes my wiener happy. (Popoholic)
Chick with a dick Alexis Arquette discusses Jared Leto’s gorgeous cock. (Dlisted)
Charlotte McKinney eats burgers sexily for Carl’s Junior. (COED)
By Lex January 21, 2015 @ 8:56 AM
This is like some lesbian vampire Catherine Deneuve power that Cara Delevingne has over other women. Even now my vagina juices race through your blood compelling you to obey. I don’t care how many albums you sold, touch my titties, slave. It’s uncanny really. At some point Spade and Valderrama and Ray J are going to need to convene a priestly counsel and figure out to send this chick back to Hades before she leaves them only jaded scraps.
Photo Credit: Instagram/Getty