Selena Gomez No Bra for #NoBraDay

By Lex October 13, 2015 @ 1:37 PM

Selena Gomez Braless For No Bra Day
Hashtags are a sign you’ve officially surrendered any meaningful action. Maybe three years ago you could take a new hashtag to the social standing points bank and get a stuffed kitten. That was ten thousand General Mills cereal hashtags ago. The breast cancer awareness people invented #NoBraDay to celebrate women’s tits, which is actually worth celebrating. Also breast cancer awareness. Celebrate that with less joy but equal fervor. Creating a hashtag and inviting everybody to ditto you just diminishes the importance. Every time you use a hashtag as your chief form of participation, your mom gets breast cancer. She might as well. You just killed her with your fucking laziness. Good luck at Thanksgiving.

Photo Credit: Getty

Selena Gomez Still Figuring Out Fat Shaming

By Lex October 07, 2015 @ 9:31 AM

Selena-Gomez-Revival-Topless-Album-Art
Selena Gomez admitted she sought out professional help after somebody in an airport yelled at her ‘you’re fat’ as you often see people in airports doing. TSA is still reviewing the security footage. Through therapy and the support of good friends and family, Selena was able to overcome the body shaming and take her clothes off for her brand new album, Revival, because Recycled was already taken.

Each year, I’m becoming more who I am. I have a little more self-awareness. I feel confident and free. I’m not going to hide in my room and be depressed

Sounds like the therapy is holding. For now. Gomez cites living with roommates who have normal jobs like putting on celebrity charity galas to really help her stay grounded. But when happens the next time she’s shopping at Old Navy and she hears the familiar attacks of ‘Go home, you stupid fat Mexican blimp whore’ from the mouths of random customers and stores clerks? Remember what you learned. Count to ten slowly and remind yourself you’re still good looking and rich and famous and you will get through this. Nobody suffers like the privileged.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Selena Gomez Performs With Taylor Swift

By Lex August 27, 2015 @ 11:41 AM

Selena Gomez Performs With Taylor Swift
The ‘hey, look who’s here tonight’ guest singers list at Taylor Swift events has picked up to about thirty per evening. It’s been stale since Bruce Springsteen pulled Courteney Cox up on stage in the 80′s pretending she was plucked out of the crowd. Taylor Swift’s latest show featured duets with Selena Gomez, the both of them dressed in your grandpa’s vintage underwear lest you get a PG-rated boner, Lisa Kudrow singing Smelly Cat, Barbara Streissand crooning The Way We Were through a mic in her vagina, and the corpse of Liberace telling Taylor Swift she doesn’t need a man to be happy. And lots of strutting. The audience is filled with screaming young girls and their dads wondering if for $300 they’re going to get anything measurably decent for their spank bank. It’s a circus of tears and lip-synched shame that brings in half a million a night. Okay, the boots are nice. Deposit.

Photo Credit: Getty

Selena Gomez Seems Bigger

By Lex July 08, 2015 @ 8:24 AM

Selena Gomez Big Bosom For Adidas
German shoe companies get it. Selena Gomez isn’t moving medium end footwear with her unimpressive baby tits. Nobody wants to buy women’s athletic shoes from a woman who looks athletic. Retain the best airbrushers in Dresden. Pack on six inches to that chest and add in some abs to support the cantilevered weight. Fuck, make her Muslim like Ms. Marvel. It’s the new Hispanic. Frame a six in her hair for the dead shoe workers in Wenling. Yes, it’s in our labor agreement. Nix the camel toe. There. Perfect.

Photo Credit: Instagram

Selena Gomez Clings to Braless

By Lex June 24, 2015 @ 8:04 AM

Selena Gomez Pokies In White Tank Top
Selena Gomez has come to that crossroad in her life when she realizes boys are pigs, the people she thought were her friend were just using her, and she’s better off staying home at night watching TV and eating ice cream. Only she’s not in seventh grade adjusting to her period, she’s twenty-three and owns a mansion. Don’t judge her. We all have trust issues.

“People are like, ‘We want you to be better!’… And everybody’s like, ‘I want you to be healthy, I want you to be happy, I want you to be this.’ And then the moment you’re trying to find some sort of happiness, it’s so crazy. It’s not safe for anyone!” You can’t talk about anything that you want to share with people because it’s going to be ripped apart, and that’s what makes me really sad… I have a right to say what I’m going to say.”

Damn, straight. A couple years of regular like schooling might’ve like helped. But I surmised your point.

While she’s working her way through the briar patch of life, Gomez has decided to stop wearing bras. Something had to be done. If only all women robbed of their childhood by ambitious self-serving show parents would expose their tits. Most do. But we can do better.

Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews

Selena Gomez Discovers the Tingle of Self-Satisfaction

By Lex June 05, 2015 @ 11:34 AM

Selena-Gomez-in-Cannes

The second law of the intellectually challenged version of Newtonian physics states that for every social media trend, there is a counter-trend of equally moronic proportions. Insecure celebrities post self-promotional photos and platitudes with hearts so that girls who don’t see the value in Algebra can praise them with poor grammar. Trolls appear to shame the celebrities with third grade insults. The targets of derision claim for themselves the ultimate high ground of being happy with themselves. Self-satisfaction is the pinnacle of personal achievement. I think it used to be dedication or charity or something stupid.

Selena Gomez went onto Twitter to assure people that comments about her chub rub aren’t going to make her feel any less awesome about raking in ten mill a year being a singer who can’t sing. Or the fact that she’s had Justin Bieber’s Canadian pee-pee in her pipes.

Sometimes I get frustrated when I hear lies about who I am. The Internet is meant to keep you ‘updated’ but it just takes old news and freezes it like it’s now.” You have watched me in pain and I’ve owned up to it through my music and actions. I grew up with you.” I am beyond excited to show you the next chapter, the TRUTH. I’ve been keeping so many secrets. I’m reborn in every moment so who knows what I’ll become. As long as I’m happy with me. #strongisbeautiful #healthyperspectiveonthemfools.

I’m not one to put two and two together, but this certainly sounds inspired by, if not ripped off from Vagina Dad as he burst forth from his Malibu pupae into Caitlyn stage. I’ve been through the struggle of being rich and famous. I’ve got secrets. My TRUTH is in all caps. Don’t throw me in the briar patch. I’ve already won.

Photo credit: Getty Images