Selena Gomez Is Moving On

By Lex February 11, 2015 @ 9:08 AM

Selena Gomez Getting Serious
As in the case with all things in life, once you get back on the sex bike, you pretty much forget your last tandem. Selena Gomez is freshly in loin love with DJ Zedd. I could look him up, but I already know I’ll think he’s a shmuck. He’s gorgeous, if you like twelve year olds with pasted on facial hair. If he can bang her without looking at his little baby muscles in the mirror and talking about how Ontario wants to name a holiday after him, go with God. No man is worth bulimia and binge drinking. One or the other, not both, unless you’ve got a guaranteed contract from Bravo.

Gomez posted a naughty picture of herself on Instagram to show she’s freed herself from her miniature Svengali. I can’t remember if women posting showy photos of themselves is a sign they’re finally over the last guy or a desperate cry for him to come back. Check the upper floor windows on her home late Valentine’s evening. Bieber can get through very tiny spaces and his ego isn’t going to take this well.


Photo Credit: Instagram

Lia Marie Johnson Turns Eighteen And Shit Around The Web

By Jack January 21, 2015 @ 12:00 PM


Turning eighteen means many things to many different people. When you’re a social media creation, it means it’s time to go offline and start doing shoots that show off your tits.

Lia Marie Johnson shows off her youthful boobage for your viewing pleasure. (Egotastic)

Shahs of Sunset slut Golnesa “GG” Gharachedaghi has some giant fake titties. (TMZ)

Theo Huxtable comes to Bill Cosby’s defense because of the pudding on the face. (Huffington Post)

Miranda Kerr in lingerie makes my wiener happy. (Popoholic)

Chick with a dick Alexis Arquette discusses Jared Leto’s gorgeous cock. (Dlisted)

Charlotte McKinney eats burgers sexily for Carl’s Junior. (COED)

Cara Delevingne Has the Gift

By Lex January 21, 2015 @ 8:56 AM

Selena Gomez Touches Cara Delevingnes Chest
This is like some lesbian vampire Catherine Deneuve power that Cara Delevingne has over other women. Even now my vagina juices race through your blood compelling you to obey. I don’t care how many albums you sold, touch my titties, slave. It’s uncanny really. At some point Spade and Valderrama and Ray J are going to need to convene a priestly counsel and figure out to send this chick back to Hades before she leaves them only jaded scraps.

Photo Credit: Instagram/Getty

Selena Gomez Flashes Ankle, Gets Beheaded

By Lex January 02, 2015 @ 12:39 PM

Selena Gomez Flashes Her Ankle In The Grand Mosque in Abu Dhabi
Here’s a near constant. Idiot celebrities visit the Grand Mosque in Abu Dhabi, reflexively do something Western selfie, and then everybody Muslim freaks the fuck out. Selena Gomez removed her mosque ankle offense photo from Instagram after people who likes to fuck women through woolen bed sheets called her an insensitive whore.

I’m forced to blame everybody in this situation. If you don’t want pop music stars posing in your Mosque, stop having the Dubai tourist board book them around town for Jihadi Island special guest appearances. Culturally insensitive tourists traveling to Muslim lands, understand that these Luddites take their shit pretty seriously about women being disgusting rape monkeys too unclean for men to lay eye’s upon. It’s just their thing. Nobody gives a shit about your Pilates and colonics perfected body. Dress like a twelfth century war widow or stay home. A well-timed drone strike could’ve eliminated the need for this teachable moment.

Photo Credit: Instagram/Dailymail

Cara Delevingne Plays Scissor Kissing Santa for Selena Gomez

By Lex December 26, 2014 @ 6:55 AM

Cara Delevingne has been cutting through young Hollywood emo girls like a hot knife through labia butter. Gay movie vampires don’t have this kind of success in building their immortal families. The five bells of Ellen must’ve sounded in lesbian HQ when Selena Gomez started busting up over her breakup with the one true love Canadian midget. An hour later Cara Delevingne is air dropping into Texasto stay with Selena at her mom’s place for Christmas. Selena’s mom is the one in the photo seven years older than Selena.

According to TMZ, which like Superman, is incapable of lying and also knows shit about sports:

Selena and Cara hit up North Park Mall in Dallas, where they paraded around Victoria’s Secret … where they shopped for bras. They then made a beeline for Nordstrom, where they held hands and Cara slapped Selena’s ass.

You could tell me how girls naturally have much more intimate friendships with each other than men do. So I could tell you Delevingne is vagina boxing the sadness right out of Selena the minute mom turns out the lights at night. Delevingne is a rich heiress model from England. She didn’t jet 5,000 miles and skip her family Christmas because she loves the cheese on a stick at the North Park Mall food court. These two are doing it. Just like they were on that yacht over the summer. And God bless them. Hackers, give up the ghost on the shitty Sony emails and get on what has to be some hot lesbo iPhone candids n Dallas.

Photo credit: Instagram

Selena Gomez Can’t Simply Be Dismissed

By Lex December 12, 2014 @ 10:10 AM

Selena Gomez Gets Chesty In A Crop Top
Everybody has one fucked up fling in their life they can’t forget. Some horribly wrong person they fucked and even told they’d love forever only to realize they were tying themselves to some spawn of Satan. Better if it’s some chick named Angela who burned your clothes and called your grandmother a whore but who you and your buddies can all agree was crazy hot. Worse if it’s a lesbian looking Tom Thumb who is universally despised by everybody over the age of puberty. Selena Gomez is still crying and writing songs and crying and singing and talking overly complimentary about Justin Bieber in interviews. It’s some weird miniature Svengali trick he has going on. Chicks in music don’t mix heroin with their pain killing booze any longer so they tend to stick around and be really fucking annoying. If you want to blame weed for some cultural ill, this would be it.

Photo Credit: Be Magazine