Selena Gomez has been seen around town with the very pretty Orlando Bloom. The two were spotted canoodling outside of the Chelsea Handler live comedy show at the L.A. Forum where half of Hollywood were ordered to attend by their shared publicists. When the photogs spotted the new couple, Bloom darted away like he was prancing after marauding orcs. It’s possible that the two are having a good old fashioned revenge fuck. Lesbian troll doll Justin Bieber is rumored to have boffed Legolas’ ex-wife Miranda Kerr back when they were still together and when having sex with Justin Bieber still meant something to a foreign model. It’s possible that Orlando and Selena are getting their vengeance by bumping petite uglies. It’s also possible Orlando mistook Selena for one of the many twink Mexican sex workers who were enjoying a particularly prolific evening with the Chelsea Handler demographic out behind the Forum.
If your day isn’t complete without a terrible celebrity feud involving people who should be fed to lions, then it’s time for you to start packing it up. Ageless elven Bieber cock addict Selena Gomez reportedly cut ties with her BFFs, Kendall and Kylie Jenner, after the three partied at Coachella because they’re a bad influence on her, and Selena just wants to focus on her music. But TMZ’s inside line to all things Kardashian may have revealed that it’s the Jenner sisters that ended things with Selena, because she’s the shitty drunk who can’t do anything but party and beg Justin Bieber to keep feeding her his tiny gangster dick. Kendall and Kylie are apparently “better off without her,” and now they can go about focusing on what matters in their life – filling the whorish shoes that their older sisters have laid out before them.
Photo Credit: Getty
Proving that absolutely all rehab is a waste of time, Selena Gomez completely forsook her Bad Boys and Bad Habits rehab lessons from January and has fled back to be with her tiny Canadian Svengali. I don’t know at what age girls stop running to the boy that everybody tells them is a lesbian midget horror show. Apparently Selena still has some daddy demons left to exorcise. Back in the day you could count on annoying rock and roll drug fueled relationships to end in a Sid and Nancy quick burial. But now these choreographed midgets are drinking cough syrup and soda and smoking salvia and other things that simply won’t kill you quickly enough to make you interesting. Wake me when there’s a suicide.
Photo Credit: AKM-GSI
Fresh off a speech to the children of Oakland about sticking to your dreams and not drinking so much champagne with your Xanax to battle your molested child actor demons, Selena Gomez got served papers by a fat woman who was stalking her outside a convenience store. That sucks when you’re just trying to get your Slim Jim on and a multi-jowled agent for service of process slaps you with a subpoena. It’s believed the appearance order relates to one of the Justin Bieber little man rage on paparrazi cases pending. Probably the one back a couple years ago when Justin launched his purple mid-top at a photographer outside a mall where he was hanging with Selena at the time. Nobody believes that the paparazzo really got hurt, but a karate kicked purple shoe is still a heinous act that will probably run him about $200K if I had to put my guestimating beanie on. Selena Gomez was there at the scene urging Justin to restrain his gamma radiation rage. Selena was the lookout who noticed all the photographers taking angry Justin’s picture and probably foresaw that in two years time she’d be coming out of a convenience store only to be set upon by a fat woman with a subpoena. Prescient. And some nice looking legs too.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News
Selena Gomez didn’t need no rehab. Just look at her stomach. She’s all better. The drinking and drugs and being addicted to loving that evil walking scrote from Canada are secondary issues compared to getting her abs tight. If Adidas says she’s good enough to sell their shoes, then she’s healthy enough for me.
Photo Credit: Splash
Now that he’s done showing all the lawyers and Katie Courics out there that he doesn’t have time for their questions as he looks to further detriment his career, Justin Bieber is letting the rest of the world know that Selena Gomez is his one and only. While he’s since deleted the video, Justin posted this clip of him and Selena practicing a very sensual dance routine on Instagram, and these two just seem to be made for each other. In fact, if we could place them inside their own vault and sink it to the bottom of the ocean, they could live happily ever after with each other for the rest of their lives. Of course, the vault would probably break and open up as they descended through a school of starving sharks, and that would just be unfortunate. But at least they’d still be in love.