By Lex February 05, 2014 @ 1:21 PM
When you’ve got a substance addiction, you go to Malibu. When you’re addicted to fucking the wrong kind of people, you jet off to the mountains in Arizona. I think it’s the desert air that magically reminds you to stop merging your privates with scabies ridden strippers and pint-sized hellions. Selena Gomez’s reps put out a press release admitting that Selena was disappeared for two weeks this month in Arizona dealing with emotional issues. You can read that as everybody in her entire life wondering why the fuck she kept pining for junior-sized douche Justin Bieber. Yesterday, we were forced to learn that the lesbian prince took Selena’s virginity in Palm Springs. I guess a girl never quite gets over a tiny effeminate creature mounting her like a macaque baby to its mother. Last month, Selena canceled the remainder of her Australian tour, causing riots in the bush or some such shit:
My fans are so important to me and I would never want to disappoint them. But it has become clear to me and those close to me that after many years of putting my work first, I need to spend some time on myself in order to be the best person I can be. — Selena Gomez announcement to her fans
By best person she can be, I think she means not letting Justin come over to her house at 3am to piss on her bedsheets. That seems like a reasonable bar for being your best. If it takes two weeks of talk therapy with a spectacular mountain view and fresh pressed juice to cut that shit out, then I say it’s more than worthwhile. There’s no addiction in this world worse than bad midget love. You’ve got to kick that shit before Philip Seymour Hoffman and Dead Cory Monteith start feeling sorry for you from heaven.
Photo Credit: WENN
By Jack February 04, 2014 @ 4:20 PM
According to the world’s tiniest recording star, he was the very first to boldly go in Selena Gomez’s sacred vagina hole. Justin Bieber was apparently boasting about this feat recently to his posse of Misfit Toys. The deed was done back in 2011 when the two 5’3″ teen divas were first dating. Biebs begged her to let him put his Canada in her Texas. The couple flew down to Palm Springs where gay people and randy seniors have been going to have sex since 1987.
“I knew she was in love with me when she gave me her virginity.”
Not quite a gentleman for poking his little lamby dipstick around and sharing with the world. But maybe it’s that bad boy street cred that has kept Selena coming around to his place as recently as a couple of weeks ago. A girl never forgets her first. Especially when she’s still wondering why the other boys she’s been with since don’t break into tears and scream out the word ‘liar!’ after every ejaculation.
By Travis January 29, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
This must be a pretty rough time for Selena Gomez. First, those text messages between her and Justin Bieber (that might have been faked) leaked to the world, showing just how terribly he treated her, and then her ex-boyfriend was jetting across the country, dropping stacks of cash in strip clubs, and showing off his new model sidepiece before he was arrested in Miami. Now he’s taking a break from his own assholery in Panama while Selena is left behind here to deal with the blowback, and she can’t even go to a tanning salon in Encino without being harassed by the paparazzi. In fairness, she shouldn’t have to answer for Justin’s stupidity now that she’s washed her hands of him, but she should at least answer for those awful fucking mom jeans.
Photo Credits: Cousart/JFXimages/WENN.com
By Travis January 03, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
What’s that old saying? Once you go guys who think they’re black, you never go back? That seems to apply to Selena Gomez this week, as she was out riding Segways with her old boyfriend and the supposedly-retired King of the Douchebags, Justin Bieber, in Calabasas yesterday. But for all we know, Justin could have really, truly cleaned up his act and promised Selena that he’d be a better boyfriend and person to her, as long as she’d be willing to give him another chance at love. And then as soon as she left his place, he’d ask his friend what he had for lunch and then Justin would burp, blow it in his face and say, “I had pussy.”
Photo Credits: WENN.com
By Jack December 09, 2013 @ 1:16 PM
Selena Gomez shot off her potty mouth and stomped off stage at a concert on Friday. She was performing at KIIS FM’s annual horrible holiday show at the Staples center in LA when she started having trouble with her audio. It seems either the lip-synching equipment was malfunctioning or that whoever was running the board had a brain fart. Annoying? Sure. But was it really worth her saying “What the fuck?” in front of an audience full of her child-aged fans and then refusing to continue with your pre-programmed music set. Unless you’re shooting as much heroin as Sid Vicious, you have no real excuse for breaking the ‘show must go on’ code.
That’s the problem with these young propped up pop music stars. They never came up with a band hauling cheap-ass equipment around from show to show, experiencing annoying malfunctions on a nightly basis. Getting your shit stolen, lost, or damaged and MacGyvering a solution so you don’t sound like total crap is part of the learning process. These girls just move from shampoo commercials to Disney shows to stage. They’ve never plugged in an amp. It’ll be okay, Selena. Shit breaks, you string along the crowd for two minutes with a not so amusing anecdote until the dude in the leather vest fixes it. Don’t ruin Christmas just because you had a glitch in your bluetooth, you pampered twat.