By Lex July 01, 2013 @ 4:03 PM
Everybody was buzzing over the weekend because you could see up Selena Gomez’s skirt during her Boston concert. And, by everybody, I mean my oldest nephew who’s secretary-treasurer of his school’s A/V club and probably won’t get much higher. He’s not executive material. He couldn’t even spot Selena’s flesh colored underpants before he was raving to me about how Selena was busting out her vagina in Boston. I tried to explain to him that you don’t ever see a vagina in Boston. They hide in the dark there beneath thick corduroy pants which if you’re lucky you can get down high thigh high to try and perform a narrow target reproductive act while she intermittently curses and repeats the names of the important saints in the backseat of a car model that used to be much bigger twenty years ago. Half the time you discover you’ve been copulating that back middle seat hump for most of the past ten minutes. Still, she’s Catholic, so even if you bust a nut on that god-forsaken part she’s going to get pregnant. My nephew just smiled at me blankly and told me next year he gets the keys to the projector room.
Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin, FameFlynet
By Lex June 25, 2013 @ 2:39 PM
I’m guessing it sucks when you’ve got a best friends with bigger boobs than you’ve got. Not that you have trouble getting guys even with your little girl body. But your friend, she’s got that woman’s body. And all the guys might be hanging around you because your cute and famous and all. But you keep seeing their heads jerking toward your friend with the big titties. And you get jealous. So you treat her unfairly until she no longer wants to be your friend. Then you have to go find other bitter small girls to shop with to find tops that don’t make you look like your twelve. There’s much less drama surrounding a small dick. I’m guessing.
Photo Credit: FameFlynet, PCN
By Travis June 20, 2013 @ 9:00 AM
Of course I mean the doughy ginger on the right and not the other guy, who has built an empire out of tricking yokels into coughing up their money for a redneck routine that’s faker than Courtney Stodden’s tits. That guy on the right is singer Ed Sheeran, and if Us Weekly is telling the truth, he’s currently dating Selena Gomez after her 10 millionth split from delicate French prostitute Justin Bieber.
Us claims that Ed and Selena met through their mutual friend Taylor Swift, who also reportedly dated Sheeran during their current tour. If that’s true, it’s only a matter of time before Taylor writes an entire album about jealousy and betrayal, and maybe even falling into a rock crusher. She probably doesn’t have any experience in that last one, but it doesn’t mean we can’t encourage her to try it.
(Photo Credit: Getty)
By Travis May 24, 2013 @ 10:00 AM
Taylor Swift won a bunch of awards at last Sunday’s Billboard Music Awards, and then afterward she made that stupid face that she always makes when she pretends that she can’t believe people like her vanilla ice cream pop music so much. But now she makes it ironically, because she thinks it’s funny since we all make fun of her for it. Either way, she thinks her shit smells like a bouquet of flowers in Gwyneth Paltrow’s house.
That’s why she didn’t hold back in pretending to hold back when Access Hollywood asked her what she was whispering to Selena Gomez while Justin Bieber was being booed. “Ohhh, you do not want to know!” she said, according to Us Weekly, adding, “You do not want to open that can of worms. Especially tonight.” And I assume that means she was jealous that Justin won the Milestone Award and she didn’t, so all she wanted to do was go home and scissor Selena in peace.
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By Lex May 20, 2013 @ 5:28 PM
Taylor Swift didn’t like when her girl buddy Selena Gomez embraced Justin Bieber in a kiss after the Billboard Awards, so she did what any bitchy jealous girlfriend would do. She stuck her tongue out in disgust. Wow, who to root for in a cat fight between Taylor Swift and Justin Bieber. There’s the proverbial meteor to root for, but that never seems to materialize. I’d rather see them duke it out. Taylor has the height, weight, strength, and moxie advantage, while Bieber has runaway speed and a strong belief that Jesus walks beside him, well, a few paces back. I’d call it even. I’d love to see it get bloody. Slow internal bleeding where we get to watch waves of sobbing self-realization overcome them as the lifeforce drains from their bodies. But, that’s just the dream. I’d settle for the meteor.
By Lex May 13, 2013 @ 3:10 PM
Personally, I could care less about the sexual past of a current girlfriend. Unless it involved animals or dead people or some dude I work with who’s going to give me stupid looks and snickers without me knowing why, I pretty much consider it buried past. Not like I want my girlfriend combing through my sadly abrupt list of conquests and asking if ‘Chris’ is a guy or a girl and why the middle name on my list looks just like my second cousin’s. But this Justin Bieber thing. That’s a taint. Not like the space between the cracks taint, like a taint on the resume that’s hard to ignore. You could be quite mid-enjoying yourself with your girl Selena when the cognitive neurons misfire and… BLAMMO!
Your day is done early. Go hit the showers, friend.
Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin