According to people who listen to really shitty pop music, that above video of Selena Gomez and girls that she makes out with in my brain is what some people call a “diss track”. The intended target of Selena’s fiery rage is her twat of an ex-boyfriend Justin Bieber, whose downward spiral is apparently in full effect, but she just needs to get over his tiny pecker already and focus on our, I mean, her future.
But before she moves on, she has one hilarious story to tell about how her dad used to take her to Hooters all the time when she was a kid and she’d trick the big-breasted waitresses into becoming her new mommies.
“When I was 7, my dad would go to Hooters to watch [San Antonio] Spurs games,” the Texas native told Harper’s Bazaar magazine.
“But he started noticing that when I would come, with my little pigtails, all the waitresses would be like, ‘Hey!’ So he ended up half spending time with me but with all those cute girls coming over.”
The “Spring Breakers” star didn’t find her role creepy at all. She laughed it off: “And that became our thing.” (New York Post)
Of course that’s not creepy. That’s why every married man is in Hooter’s in the first place, because of that delusional hope that maybe, just maybe, one of those perky, bouncy, slutty waitresses will say, “When you’re done with those mediocre wings, I’d like to give you oral sex in the bathroom.” That’s why Hooters thrives and places like Bennigan’s with waitresses in pants are long gone.
There are two types of dudes in this world. The kind who can’t stop thinking about the men their girl was with before them. And the kind who are able to let it go. The second group is split evenly between guys who really are secure enough to not feel a need to compete with every other man in this world and guys so happy to be getting some they know better than to bring stupid shit up from the past.
But, if Justin Bieber was there before, that does strain the lines of the camp a little?
Despite the fact she’s still a bit jailbait looking, I think Selena Gomez is the perfect little pop tartlet. She’s got the whole Latina thing working perfect, she’s petite, she’s got that schoolgirl giggle, and she manages to make the most of her little body. But, man, as much as I’d try to put it out of my mind, even the slightest echo from her about how ‘Justin used to like to wear my makeup’ and I think my boys would shrivel up like they’d just taken a dip on that one warm Spring day around Lake Michigan when you’re sure the water isn’t as cold as it looks.
Here’s pictures of Selena on set of her new music video.
Justin Bieber ran around London yesterday grabbing his dick and wearing a gas mask. I’m told the cops over there don’t carry guns. Excellent. I’m also told Bieber is a huge Argentina fan. To be clear, Scotland Yard, my endgame here is for you to beat Justin Bieber to death. I asked America, we’re all cool with it.
As long as ‘Spring Breakers’ keeps Selena Gomez and Vanessa Hudgens in bikinis, the movie could be about them pointing at my penis and laughing and I’d still be fine with it. I’d still see it 5 times. Hell I’ll take a date for all I care.
In case it wasn’t clear before, Justin Bieber is a little faggot. Not in the sense that he has sex with other men (presumably), I don’t think anyone uses “faggot” in reference to gay guys anymore, but because he’s just such a little faggot. Case in point: Star magazine says Selena Gomez ended their two year relationship after he got high and had sex with a nursing student.
On December 21, (Bieber) and rapper Lil Twist and nursing student Milyn “Mimi” Jenson around 6 p.m at the Beverly Hills Four Seasons.
“They all went to buy weed at a smoke shop on Olympic Blvd. in Hollywood,” the insider said, “then they got food at McDonald’s and went back to the hotel.”
At the hotel, the group smoked marijuana and drank a chemical concoction known as “sizzurp” throughout the night. From there, they went to the Baby singer’s $6.6 million Calabasas mansion, where Justin opened up about his fondness for tattoos and Xanax, as well as his plans to build a hookah room in the house.
After that, Justin held Mimi’s hand, and showed her the breathtaking view from his backyard. The insider said that Mimi said Justin was really kind, romantic — and stoned — after he’d been “smoking pot all night.”
Maybe I’m just old fashioned, but I believe that if you have a girlfriend, you don’t cheat, you stay loyal to her unless you have a chance to bang someone hotter, which is really really unlikely considering the girlfriend was Selena Gomez. Seems like Justin Bieber has a lot to learn about being a gentleman.
If you’re the photographer who took these pictures of Selena Gomez in a bikini by a pool in Miami today, it’s ok that you didn’t zoom in when she spread her legs, but just so you know, if it happens again, I will find your kids and punch them right in the face. Hard. I don’t like kids anyway to be honest with you.