Selena Gomez Ditched Her Bieber Rehab Early

By Travis February 06, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

Because she just can’t get enough of that swaggy, douchebag dick, Selena Gomez recently checked herself into rehab for several substance abuse issues (weed and Ambien, the horrors!) and because she’s pathetically attached to Justin Bieber. Her handlers claimed that she was heading into the Arizona mountains for a two-week therapy program to get over Justin punching her V-card, but TMZ reports that she was actually supposed to be there for six-weeks, and she quit it after two weeks so she could head to Sundance and promote her upcoming movie that nobody cares about. We could criticize Selena for not taking her physical and mental health seriously, but when everyone keeps celebrating drug addicts, it’s kind of hard for a young actress to not want to get a piece of that action.

Photo Credit: Getty

Selena Gomez Went to Bieber Rehab

By Lex February 05, 2014 @ 1:21 PM

Selena Gomez Covers Her Face From The Paparazzi In Encino
When you’ve got a substance addiction, you go to Malibu. When you’re addicted to fucking the wrong kind of people, you jet off to the mountains in Arizona. I think it’s the desert air that magically reminds you to stop merging your privates with scabies ridden strippers and pint-sized hellions. Selena Gomez’s reps put out a press release admitting that Selena was disappeared for two weeks this month in Arizona dealing with emotional issues. You can read that as everybody in her entire life wondering why the fuck she kept pining for junior-sized douche Justin Bieber. Yesterday, we were forced to learn that the lesbian prince took Selena’s virginity in Palm Springs. I guess a girl never quite gets over a tiny effeminate creature mounting her like a macaque baby to its mother. Last month, Selena canceled the remainder of her Australian tour, causing riots in the bush or some such shit:

My fans are so important to me and I would never want to disappoint them. But it has become clear to me and those close to me that after many years of putting my work first, I need to spend some time on myself in order to be the best person I can be. — Selena Gomez announcement to her fans

By best person she can be, I think she means not letting Justin come over to her house at 3am to piss on her bedsheets. That seems like a reasonable bar for being your best. If it takes two weeks of talk therapy with a spectacular mountain view and fresh pressed juice to cut that shit out, then I say it’s more than worthwhile. There’s no addiction in this world worse than bad midget love. You’ve got to kick that shit before Philip Seymour Hoffman and Dead Cory Monteith start feeling sorry for you from heaven.

Photo Credit: WENN

Justin Bieber Popped Selena Gomez’s Cherry

By Jack February 04, 2014 @ 4:20 PM

According to the world’s tiniest recording star, he was the very first to boldly go in Selena Gomez’s sacred vagina hole. Justin Bieber was apparently boasting about this feat recently to his posse of Misfit Toys. The deed was done back in 2011 when the two 5’3″ teen divas were first dating. Biebs begged her to let him put his Canada in her Texas. The couple flew down to Palm Springs where gay people and randy seniors have been going to have sex since 1987.

“I knew she was in love with me when she gave me her virginity.”

Not quite a gentleman for poking his little lamby dipstick around and sharing with the world. But maybe it’s that bad boy street cred that has kept Selena coming around to his place as recently as a couple of weeks ago. A girl never forgets her first. Especially when she’s still wondering why the other boys she’s been with since don’t break into tears and scream out the word ‘liar!’ after every ejaculation.

Oh No, Poor Selena Gomez

By Travis January 29, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

This must be a pretty rough time for Selena Gomez. First, those text messages between her and Justin Bieber (that might have been faked) leaked to the world, showing just how terribly he treated her, and then her ex-boyfriend was jetting across the country, dropping stacks of cash in strip clubs, and showing off his new model sidepiece before he was arrested in Miami. Now he’s taking a break from his own assholery in Panama while Selena is left behind here to deal with the blowback, and she can’t even go to a tanning salon in Encino without being harassed by the paparazzi. In fairness, she shouldn’t have to answer for Justin’s stupidity now that she’s washed her hands of him, but she should at least answer for those awful fucking mom jeans.

Photo Credits: Cousart/JFXimages/WENN.com

Selena Gomez Shows Off Her Cleavage At A Gas Station In Tarzana

By Lex January 24, 2014 @ 3:47 PM

Selena Gomez Shows Off Her Cleavage At A Gas Station In Tarzana

Photo Credit: Splash

Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez Took a Romantic Segway Ride Together

By Travis January 03, 2014 @ 11:00 AM

What’s that old saying? Once you go guys who think they’re black, you never go back? That seems to apply to Selena Gomez this week, as she was out riding Segways with her old boyfriend and the supposedly-retired King of the Douchebags, Justin Bieber, in Calabasas yesterday. But for all we know, Justin could have really, truly cleaned up his act and promised Selena that he’d be a better boyfriend and person to her, as long as she’d be willing to give him another chance at love. And then as soon as she left his place, he’d ask his friend what he had for lunch and then Justin would burp, blow it in his face and say, “I had pussy.”

Photo Credits: WENN.com