Selena Gomez Still Looks Pretty Bummed

By Travis February 21, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

Selena Gomez cut her Justin Bieber addiction rehab short so she could go promote a movie that nobody has heard of at Sundance, but yesterday she looked like she could really use a few more months of therapy. This girl is 21 years old, so she shouldn’t be moping around like a 45-year old divorcee over the pinkie-sized cock of her shirtless ex-boyfriend, who has more homoerotic moments with his boys than a professional wrestling show. But here she is wearing your single aunt’s pantsuit while drinking a large soda from Taco Bell, and looking like she’s another dick pic text message away from going full Taylor Swift on us. She needs to bounce back and forget about Justin already, and the best possible way to do that is by joining Michelle Rodriguez and Cara Delevingne for a night of heavy drinking. Just see where it goes and take plenty of pictures.

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Selena Gomez Is Back On The Sauce

By Jack February 18, 2014 @ 3:22 PM

Selena Gomez was caught imbibing the devil’s spirits once again. And, by caught, I mean she posted a selfie. This comes just two weeks after she cut her drinking, pills, and loser boyfriend rehab stint short in Arizona. After only a few days she left to go promote some shitty movie she’s in at Sundance. Apparently Selena was working off the exception in the A.A. handbook that allows for booze if it’s served with whipped cream and a cherry on top. I wonder how many dessert cocktails you have to slurp down before you forget that you gave up your virginity to Justin Bieber. I suppose it’s better to be fat and forgetful than look amazing and remember that little Canadian pecker taking your innocence.

(Photo Via Instagram)

Selena Gomez Ditched Her Bieber Rehab Early

By Travis February 06, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

Because she just can’t get enough of that swaggy, douchebag dick, Selena Gomez recently checked herself into rehab for several substance abuse issues (weed and Ambien, the horrors!) and because she’s pathetically attached to Justin Bieber. Her handlers claimed that she was heading into the Arizona mountains for a two-week therapy program to get over Justin punching her V-card, but TMZ reports that she was actually supposed to be there for six-weeks, and she quit it after two weeks so she could head to Sundance and promote her upcoming movie that nobody cares about. We could criticize Selena for not taking her physical and mental health seriously, but when everyone keeps celebrating drug addicts, it’s kind of hard for a young actress to not want to get a piece of that action.

Photo Credit: Getty

Selena Gomez Went to Bieber Rehab

By Lex February 05, 2014 @ 1:21 PM

Selena Gomez Covers Her Face From The Paparazzi In Encino
When you’ve got a substance addiction, you go to Malibu. When you’re addicted to fucking the wrong kind of people, you jet off to the mountains in Arizona. I think it’s the desert air that magically reminds you to stop merging your privates with scabies ridden strippers and pint-sized hellions. Selena Gomez’s reps put out a press release admitting that Selena was disappeared for two weeks this month in Arizona dealing with emotional issues. You can read that as everybody in her entire life wondering why the fuck she kept pining for junior-sized douche Justin Bieber. Yesterday, we were forced to learn that the lesbian prince took Selena’s virginity in Palm Springs. I guess a girl never quite gets over a tiny effeminate creature mounting her like a macaque baby to its mother. Last month, Selena canceled the remainder of her Australian tour, causing riots in the bush or some such shit:

My fans are so important to me and I would never want to disappoint them. But it has become clear to me and those close to me that after many years of putting my work first, I need to spend some time on myself in order to be the best person I can be. — Selena Gomez announcement to her fans

By best person she can be, I think she means not letting Justin come over to her house at 3am to piss on her bedsheets. That seems like a reasonable bar for being your best. If it takes two weeks of talk therapy with a spectacular mountain view and fresh pressed juice to cut that shit out, then I say it’s more than worthwhile. There’s no addiction in this world worse than bad midget love. You’ve got to kick that shit before Philip Seymour Hoffman and Dead Cory Monteith start feeling sorry for you from heaven.

Photo Credit: WENN

Justin Bieber Popped Selena Gomez’s Cherry

By Jack February 04, 2014 @ 4:20 PM

According to the world’s tiniest recording star, he was the very first to boldly go in Selena Gomez’s sacred vagina hole. Justin Bieber was apparently boasting about this feat recently to his posse of Misfit Toys. The deed was done back in 2011 when the two 5’3″ teen divas were first dating. Biebs begged her to let him put his Canada in her Texas. The couple flew down to Palm Springs where gay people and randy seniors have been going to have sex since 1987.

“I knew she was in love with me when she gave me her virginity.”

Not quite a gentleman for poking his little lamby dipstick around and sharing with the world. But maybe it’s that bad boy street cred that has kept Selena coming around to his place as recently as a couple of weeks ago. A girl never forgets her first. Especially when she’s still wondering why the other boys she’s been with since don’t break into tears and scream out the word ‘liar!’ after every ejaculation.

Oh No, Poor Selena Gomez

By Travis January 29, 2014 @ 12:00 PM

This must be a pretty rough time for Selena Gomez. First, those text messages between her and Justin Bieber (that might have been faked) leaked to the world, showing just how terribly he treated her, and then her ex-boyfriend was jetting across the country, dropping stacks of cash in strip clubs, and showing off his new model sidepiece before he was arrested in Miami. Now he’s taking a break from his own assholery in Panama while Selena is left behind here to deal with the blowback, and she can’t even go to a tanning salon in Encino without being harassed by the paparazzi. In fairness, she shouldn’t have to answer for Justin’s stupidity now that she’s washed her hands of him, but she should at least answer for those awful fucking mom jeans.

Photo Credits: Cousart/JFXimages/