Selena Gomez Is Free From Justin Bieber’s Penis

By Travis May 21, 2014 @ 1:00 PM

Selena Gomez is free in a bikini

Selena Gomez has been pretty quiet in recent weeks, at least since she left her rehab stint early to promote some film that nobody cared about at Sundance. Selena was in rehab because she was addicted to love, and she just couldn’t get enough of Justin Bieber’s big, black dick, and she most recently tried to get over it by helping Orlando Bloom continue to pretend that he didn’t make the biggest mistake of his elven life by breaking up with Miranda Kerr. But now Selena’s on her own, as she claimed in this Instagram photo that she’s taking her power back, and she can’t wait to show us where she’s been. And if she’s been to an all-lesbian strip club for wet panties contests, I am ready to declare the bravest woman on the face of the planet.

Spring Breakers Is Getting A Sequel

By Lex May 07, 2014 @ 4:16 PM

Ashley Benson Selena Gomez Vanessa Hudgens And Rachel Korine Pose In Bikinis For 'Spring Breakers' Promos
When you’re the 126th top grossing film of the year, there’s going to be pressure to create a sequel. Even without the original writers, director, and at least half the cast, Spring Breakers will likely be getting a sequel. If you missed it the first time, it was another freaky pedo-leaning Harmony Korine art house film where his young wife got naked with a bunch of other topless girls in bikinis while really fucking annoying house music played throughout like Paris Hilton was DJing the score. He got James Franco riffing in the film, and Selena Gomez and Vanessa Hudgens and Ashley Benson to swear and run around in bikinis and guns and almost show their tits, so it was worth a watch. But a sequel? This might taint the sanctity of the sequel that Hollywood holds dear, with only 95.7% of sequels either being completely unnecessary, sucking horrible, or both. Transformers excluded, naturally. We need the world to buy more fucking Dodges. Nevertheless, if Selena Gomez takes her top off, I’m in for twelve bucks. I know I’ll be disappointed, but at least I’ll have a honorable explanation for why I went.

Photo Credit: Spring Breakers

Is Selena Gomez Porking Legolas?

By Jack April 28, 2014 @ 4:06 PM

Selena Gomez has been seen around town with the very pretty Orlando Bloom. The two were spotted canoodling outside of the Chelsea Handler live comedy show at the L.A. Forum where half of Hollywood were ordered to attend by their shared publicists. When the photogs spotted the new couple, Bloom darted away like he was prancing after marauding orcs. It’s possible that the two are having a good old fashioned revenge fuck. Lesbian troll doll Justin Bieber is rumored to have boffed Legolas’ ex-wife Miranda Kerr back when they were still together and when having sex with Justin Bieber still meant something to a foreign model. It’s possible that Orlando and Selena are getting their vengeance by bumping petite uglies. It’s also possible Orlando mistook Selena for one of the many twink Mexican sex workers who were enjoying a particularly prolific evening with the Chelsea Handler demographic out behind the Forum.

Selena Gomez And The Jenner Sisters Are Feuding

By Travis April 28, 2014 @ 1:00 PM

If your day isn’t complete without a terrible celebrity feud involving people who should be fed to lions, then it’s time for you to start packing it up. Ageless elven Bieber cock addict Selena Gomez reportedly cut ties with her BFFs, Kendall and Kylie Jenner, after the three partied at Coachella because they’re a bad influence on her, and Selena just wants to focus on her music. But TMZ’s inside line to all things Kardashian may have revealed that it’s the Jenner sisters that ended things with Selena, because she’s the shitty drunk who can’t do anything but party and beg Justin Bieber to keep feeding her his tiny gangster dick. Kendall and Kylie are apparently “better off without her,” and now they can go about focusing on what matters in their life – filling the whorish shoes that their older sisters have laid out before them.

Photo Credit: Getty

Selena Gomez Just Can’t Quit Her Little Man

By Lex April 11, 2014 @ 3:23 PM

Selena Gomez Makes A Late Night Visit To Justin Bieber In Miami
Proving that absolutely all rehab is a waste of time, Selena Gomez completely forsook her Bad Boys and Bad Habits rehab lessons from January and has fled back to be with her tiny Canadian Svengali. I don’t know at what age girls stop running to the boy that everybody tells them is a lesbian midget horror show. Apparently Selena still has some daddy demons left to exorcise. Back in the day you could count on annoying rock and roll drug fueled relationships to end in a Sid and Nancy quick burial. But now these choreographed midgets are drinking cough syrup and soda and smoking salvia and other things that simply won’t kill you quickly enough to make you interesting. Wake me when there’s a suicide.

Photo Credit: AKM-GSI

Selena Gomez Got Served

By Lex March 28, 2014 @ 4:37 PM

Selena Gomez In Daisy Dukes Gets Served Court Papers Out In Los Angeles
Fresh off a speech to the children of Oakland about sticking to your dreams and not drinking so much champagne with your Xanax to battle your molested child actor demons, Selena Gomez got served papers by a fat woman who was stalking her outside a convenience store. That sucks when you’re just trying to get your Slim Jim on and a multi-jowled agent for service of process slaps you with a subpoena. It’s believed the appearance order relates to one of the Justin Bieber little man rage on paparrazi cases pending. Probably the one back a couple years ago when Justin launched his purple mid-top at a photographer outside a mall where he was hanging with Selena at the time. Nobody believes that the paparazzo really got hurt, but a karate kicked purple shoe is still a heinous act that will probably run him about $200K if I had to put my guestimating beanie on. Selena Gomez was there at the scene urging Justin to restrain his gamma radiation rage. Selena was the lookout who noticed all the photographers taking angry Justin’s picture and probably foresaw that in two years time she’d be coming out of a convenience store only to be set upon by a fat woman with a subpoena. Prescient. And some nice looking legs too.

Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News