By Lex March 28, 2014 @ 4:37 PM
Fresh off a speech to the children of Oakland about sticking to your dreams and not drinking so much champagne with your Xanax to battle your molested child actor demons, Selena Gomez got served papers by a fat woman who was stalking her outside a convenience store. That sucks when you’re just trying to get your Slim Jim on and a multi-jowled agent for service of process slaps you with a subpoena. It’s believed the appearance order relates to one of the Justin Bieber little man rage on paparrazi cases pending. Probably the one back a couple years ago when Justin launched his purple mid-top at a photographer outside a mall where he was hanging with Selena at the time. Nobody believes that the paparazzo really got hurt, but a karate kicked purple shoe is still a heinous act that will probably run him about $200K if I had to put my guestimating beanie on. Selena Gomez was there at the scene urging Justin to restrain his gamma radiation rage. Selena was the lookout who noticed all the photographers taking angry Justin’s picture and probably foresaw that in two years time she’d be coming out of a convenience store only to be set upon by a fat woman with a subpoena. Prescient. And some nice looking legs too.
Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News
By Lex March 12, 2014 @ 1:27 PM
Selena Gomez didn’t need no rehab. Just look at her stomach. She’s all better. The drinking and drugs and being addicted to loving that evil walking scrote from Canada are secondary issues compared to getting her abs tight. If Adidas says she’s good enough to sell their shoes, then she’s healthy enough for me.
Photo Credit: Splash
By Travis March 11, 2014 @ 11:00 AM
Now that he’s done showing all the lawyers and Katie Courics out there that he doesn’t have time for their questions as he looks to further detriment his career, Justin Bieber is letting the rest of the world know that Selena Gomez is his one and only. While he’s since deleted the video, Justin posted this clip of him and Selena practicing a very sensual dance routine on Instagram, and these two just seem to be made for each other. In fact, if we could place them inside their own vault and sink it to the bottom of the ocean, they could live happily ever after with each other for the rest of their lives. Of course, the vault would probably break and open up as they descended through a school of starving sharks, and that would just be unfortunate. But at least they’d still be in love.
By Travis March 07, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
Whiny jail pisser and douchebag dad enabler Justin Bieber had to sit in a deposition in Miami yesterday for 4 ½ hours, relating not to the drag racing and alleged drunk driving incident but the time that he allegedly ordered his bodyguard to attack a photographer last June. The lawyer for the paparazzi seemed like he was trying to intentionally push Bieber’s buttons to make him act like a total shithead, as TMZ reported that it totally worked. After asking about his relationship with Selena Gomez several times and whether or not she was there when the photographer was attacked, Bieber and his lawyer stood up and walked out of the room while Canada’s Mighty Mouse shouted, “Don’t ask me about her!”
After they returned from a syzzurp session in the Bieb’s SUV, the singer acted like an even bigger hardass, arguing the difference between “Yeah” and “Yes” and by calling the opposing lawyer Katie Couric after he asked another question. The good news out of all of this is that the writers for Franklin and Bash have at least two episodes of fresh material for next season.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Travis February 21, 2014 @ 12:00 PM
Selena Gomez cut her Justin Bieber addiction rehab short so she could go promote a movie that nobody has heard of at Sundance, but yesterday she looked like she could really use a few more months of therapy. This girl is 21 years old, so she shouldn’t be moping around like a 45-year old divorcee over the pinkie-sized cock of her shirtless ex-boyfriend, who has more homoerotic moments with his boys than a professional wrestling show. But here she is wearing your single aunt’s pantsuit while drinking a large soda from Taco Bell, and looking like she’s another dick pic text message away from going full Taylor Swift on us. She needs to bounce back and forget about Justin already, and the best possible way to do that is by joining Michelle Rodriguez and Cara Delevingne for a night of heavy drinking. Just see where it goes and take plenty of pictures.
Photo Credits: WENN.com
By Jack February 18, 2014 @ 3:22 PM
Selena Gomez was caught imbibing the devil’s spirits once again. And, by caught, I mean she posted a selfie. This comes just two weeks after she cut her drinking, pills, and loser boyfriend rehab stint short in Arizona. After only a few days she left to go promote some shitty movie she’s in at Sundance. Apparently Selena was working off the exception in the A.A. handbook that allows for booze if it’s served with whipped cream and a cherry on top. I wonder how many dessert cocktails you have to slurp down before you forget that you gave up your virginity to Justin Bieber. I suppose it’s better to be fat and forgetful than look amazing and remember that little Canadian pecker taking your innocence.
(Photo Via Instagram)