Selena Gomez Just Couldn’t Resist The Swag

By Travis April 19, 2013 @ 11:00 AM

It could be a coincidence that Selena Gomez flew to Norway on the same day that her ex-boyfriend Justin Bieber was performing in concert, much like it could be a coincidence that Kate Upton’s tits jiggle every time someone points a camera at her. But there’s a pretty good chance that Selena is there because she’s back in the Bieber-banging business, and that’s sad because she was finally starting to look pretty hot in a “maybe this girl isn’t an idiot” kind of way.

Instead, TMZ reported that Selena has been torturing the Biebs, which sounds great at first until we realize that it’s only figurative and she’s just been giving him swaggy blue balls as punishment for being a douchebag and cheating on her. It’s also a good business move by Selena, though, whose own concert tour begins later this year in Canada, so there’s a good chance that she just needs him to sell tickets and hold her purse.

(Photo Credit: Getty)

Selena Gomez Wears Bindi, Pisses Off 800 Million Hindus

By Jack April 16, 2013 @ 3:11 PM

DSILF, (Disney Star I’d Like To Fuck), Selena Gomez managed to simultaneously sing her shitty song Come ‘n’ Get It and piss off one of the world’s oldest religions when she wore a Hindu bindi during her MTV Movie Awards performance. The singer, who is Latino, wore a red beaded bindi in the middle of her forehead as she gyrated to the crappy beats. The bindi is an ancient Hindu symbol that represents the third eye and is worn by hundreds of millions of Hindus. This is just another classic case of Hollywood grubbers appropriating someone else’s culture to look exotic and cool. Cosplay is cosplay and who doesn’t love a girl dressed up like Sailor Moon or a furry aardvark thing, But dressing up in the garb of another religion for style points is pretty lame.

Stick to your own faith, ladies. Just keep suckling at the teet of that golden calf until your teeth rot out of your empty skulls.

For Selena Gomez, Shame Abides

By Lex April 16, 2013 @ 11:56 AM

Selena Gomez With Bindi In Cutoffs In Beverly Hills
The pleasure of taking an angry self-indulged Canadian midget into your castle keep may only last for but a few seconds, but the shame face lingers on indefinitely. Look to the horizon, Selena. You’ll get past this.

Photo Credit: PCN

Kids Are Incredibly Stupid

By Travis March 25, 2013 @ 9:00 AM

To be fair to children in general, a better headline might be “Award Shows Are Incredibly Stupid”, but since the Kids Choice Awards took place in Los Angeles on Saturday, we’ll stick to making fun of the little morons for now. Hosted by actor Josh Duhamel, who got the job after finishing third in a Timothy Olyphant lookalike contest, this year’s Kids Choice Awards honored a number of people who were willing to show up, including Katy Perry’s breasts and One Direction.

But the big winner of the night was Kristen Stewart, who was named Favorite Movie Actress for her breathtaking performance as a girl who looks confused in Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part Thank God It’s Over.

Sandra Bullock and Neil Patrick Harris were likewise drenched in the green goo while presenting the award for favorite movie actress. Winner Kristen Stewart, recognized for her role in “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 2,” joined in by hugging Bullock, getting messy in the process. Stewart also won the prize for favorite female buttkicker for her role in “Snow White and the Huntsman.”

Other film winners included Johnny Depp, who attended but was not slimed, as favorite movie actor for “Dark Shadows.” Favorite movie went to “The Hunger Games,” with “Wreck-It Ralph” winning favorite animated movie. Favorite voice from an animated movie went to Adam Sandler for “Hotel Transylvania,” and Dwayne Johnson won favorite male buttkicker for “Journey 2: The Mysterious Island.” (L.A. Times)

Of course Johnny Depp didn’t get slimed. God forbid someone get some sticky goo on his bitchin’ leather bracelets. But it’s great that Depp’s performance in the PG-13 Dark Shadows was honored by children in 22 countries, as there wasn’t a middle school cafeteria that wasn’t buzzing over that movie last year. “Hey, did you see Dark Shadows,” the cool kids would ask, adding, “My bad, I forgot you were giving birth.”

(Photo Credits: Getty)

Selena Gomez Pulled a Rapper Train?

By Steve G. March 25, 2013 @ 7:00 AM

Last week Gucci Mane DROPPED Waka Flocka from his label – when he heard rumors that Waka had SMASHED actress Selena Gomez. And these rumors ain’t coming from just anybody. MediaTakeOut.com got its hands on TWEETS sent from BRICK SQUAD rapper/soldier Lil Skitzz. And according to Lil Skitzz not only did Waka SMASH . . . but he says that Brick SQUAD did a little CHOO CHOO with Justin’s ex.  - MediaTakeOut

Speechless. Absolutely speechless. I’m going to take this rumor with a big-ass grain of salt, but the internet has never steered me wrong before. Could it be? I’d like to say given the chance I’d jump on board the pound town express with my bro’s but I have the body of a young Chris Farley, am hesitantly confident I have a smaller penis than any of my friends, my ability to please a woman sexually is questionable at best, and I could deal with only one horribly unsatisfied person critiquing my technique at a time. Long story short, I couldn’t handle an audience. But, yeah, I’d drink a beer and watch.

Jesus, this story feels so dirty. Please let it be true.

Selena Kind Of Dissed Justin On Letterman Last Night

By Steve G. March 19, 2013 @ 12:07 PM

Selena Gomez was on Letterman last night. The conversation inevitably turned to her relationship with Justin Bieber. That’s where she released the Latin heat she’s been hiding all this time.

“No I’m single,” said Gomez. “I’m so good.”

As the crowd applauded the 20-year-old “Spring Breakers” star, the host continued with a recount of the last time Bieber was on his show.

“He said something, and I said something, and I made him cry.”" said Letterman.

Gomez laughed before saying, “well then, that makes two of us.”

After hearing this, Bieber leaped off his highchair and grabbed several crisp 100 dollar bills to wipe away his tears. He then grabbed his binky and his keys, and hopped into one of his 500,000 dollar cars and rode off to one of his three mansions to be alone with his thoughts. He must be so bummed, how will he ever find solace?

You don’t have to like the guy, but he’s worth about 19 times more than Gomez and that’s where true happiness comes from. Expensive things. I’d give anything to get paid what he does to be an untalented asshole. Hell, I pretty much do it for free here everyday. But first point to Selena  I guess.