By Lex September 09, 2013 @ 2:21 PM
Serena Williams dominated yet another tennis tournament, winning the U.S. Open then crushing her vanquished opponent’s thorax between her big toe and her little piggy that stayed home. Flush with adrenaline, Serena leapt from center court in Queens to Manahttan where she punched her fist through the Chrysler building as payback for the PT Cruiser. I’m not suggesting people need fear Serena Williams, but a statue to her Herculean accomplishments in your town’s center square might not be such a bad idea if you want to live.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex August 27, 2013 @ 12:31 PM
Fresh out of the Jaeger factory in Hong Kong island sector, Serena Williams looks pretty fucking ready to not only win the U.S. Open, but tear the heads off of her opponents, rampage through the stands at Flushing Meadows, and ultimately make her way atop the Empire State Building to be shot down by kids from unpronounceable Asian nations with smuggled BB guns stationed on the observation deck. I might be reading into it too much, but I just shit my pants looking at her quads.
Photo Credit: Getty, PCN
By Lex July 01, 2013 @ 6:22 PM
To fight monsters, we built monsters. Well, we didn’t. But the Germans did. Sabine Lisicki. She felled the beast in relatively easy fashion by tiring out the older Serena’s legs by moving her all over the court throughout. I don’t care that Serena can military press the mass of several small island nations. You got no legs, you go down. Following the match, Serena was loaded onto the back of a tractor-trailer and driven to an undisclosed location in the West of England. For their part, the jubilant Germans celebrated victory by killing their nation’s last remaining bagelmaker.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex June 20, 2013 @ 5:25 PM
You know what I bet. I bet when you’re the victim of a famous gang rape that grips the national media, you’re hoping and praying that your story can linger in the press for as long as humanly possible. Even better if a completely unrelated celebrity brings the case back into prominence for no good reason just when things are starting to die down.
You knew this shit was coming. After inserting herself into the Steubenville rape case and insinuating that the high school assault victim was at least somewhat on the hook for the incident, Serena Williams called the rape victim from her Wimbledon hotel to let her know she’s on her side. Really. I bet that felt good. For Serena.
The rape victim’s family attorney issued this immensely contrived message after the call with Serena:’
We are sure Serena has and will continue to use her God-given talents to advance women’s equality and send the message that rape is never acceptable under any circumstance. We are fans of Serena and will continue rooting for many more championships but more importantly watching her advance the cause of rape victims who are never to blame.
I’m left with the distinct impression that these people care for Serena and tennis about as much as She-Hulk cares for girls who get raped at high school parties. Not a whole lot.
By Lex June 19, 2013 @ 9:23 AM
For some inane reason, Serena Williams felt obliged in the midst of a sports interview to comment on the Steubenville rape case. Maybe being an Amazonian woman who can bench press three tractors makes you less sympathetic to the plight of weaker girls, but Serena blurted out some ‘real feelings’ that sort of seemed to blame the high school girl who was passed out and got raped by the football team. She even questioned the intact state of her hymen. That doesn’t seem like such a smart idea.
She’s 16, why was she that drunk where she doesn’t remember? It could have been much worse. She’s lucky. Obviously I don’t know, maybe she wasn’t a virgin, but she shouldn’t have put herself in that position, unless they slipped her something, then that’s different.”
She’ll probably clarify her comments now that they’re out, issue some apology, and she probably never meant it to come out like that in the first place. Still, any half-witted man knows when anything to do with sexual assault comes up you shake your head and say ‘that’s horrible’, and then shut your fucking mouth. There’s no upside to commenting.
By Lex June 17, 2013 @ 4:03 PM
If you’re picking sides for co-ed beach football, I’d trade up my first round pick to acquire Serena Williams. She’s built like an interior lineman but plays like a safety. That’s the kind of lovely gal you can build a franchise around. Also, take cover beneath her lats for shelter in the event of inclement weather.
Photo Credir: Bauer-Griffin, FameFlynet, INF