By Lex April 18, 2014 @ 5:06 PM
I think it’s great that women feel body positive or whatever term is in vogue in 2014 for women without model frames to hang out mostly naked and drink fruity cocktails and bitch about that whore Nancy at work and feel good about themselves. Why not feel positive about your body. Fuck what other people think. Go to Europe and you’ll see countless mounds of flab and furry naked badger like creatures rolling like barrels around the beaches worshipping the sun like it can somehow heal their hibernating woodland mammal features. You’ll see them rhythmically puffing cigarettes out of one or more of their chunked up orifices, allowing their lack of humility to serve as their one way Eurail ticket to the good life. So take to the beaches in your bikinis, women of all shapes and sizes, non polygons of various vertices and bubbling anatomical insulation. You’re all welcome at my sandy shore. Except for you, Serena, you scare the fuck out of me. You’ve got to go.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, Fameflynet
By Lex March 24, 2014 @ 4:32 PM
I’d go to war with Serena Williams. Literally. Give me 300 Serenas and I could take down Persia. That’s Iran today. Maybe Iraq too. I can never remember. Either way, 300 Serena battle droids with laser firing catgut rackets and I’ll topple the shit out of all the turban wearing mustached bad guys. The Serena battle droid knows no fear and will charge the net without apprehension for a volley slam. I’ll lead from behind mostly, because I don’t want to die like Leonidas. Also, I imagine 300 Serenas might smell a little lady gamey as they become heavily engaged in physical activity.
Photo Credit: INFphoto.com, Getty
By Lex September 09, 2013 @ 2:21 PM
Serena Williams dominated yet another tennis tournament, winning the U.S. Open then crushing her vanquished opponent’s thorax between her big toe and her little piggy that stayed home. Flush with adrenaline, Serena leapt from center court in Queens to Manahttan where she punched her fist through the Chrysler building as payback for the PT Cruiser. I’m not suggesting people need fear Serena Williams, but a statue to her Herculean accomplishments in your town’s center square might not be such a bad idea if you want to live.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex August 27, 2013 @ 12:31 PM
Fresh out of the Jaeger factory in Hong Kong island sector, Serena Williams looks pretty fucking ready to not only win the U.S. Open, but tear the heads off of her opponents, rampage through the stands at Flushing Meadows, and ultimately make her way atop the Empire State Building to be shot down by kids from unpronounceable Asian nations with smuggled BB guns stationed on the observation deck. I might be reading into it too much, but I just shit my pants looking at her quads.
Photo Credit: Getty, PCN
By Lex July 01, 2013 @ 6:22 PM
To fight monsters, we built monsters. Well, we didn’t. But the Germans did. Sabine Lisicki. She felled the beast in relatively easy fashion by tiring out the older Serena’s legs by moving her all over the court throughout. I don’t care that Serena can military press the mass of several small island nations. You got no legs, you go down. Following the match, Serena was loaded onto the back of a tractor-trailer and driven to an undisclosed location in the West of England. For their part, the jubilant Germans celebrated victory by killing their nation’s last remaining bagelmaker.
Photo Credit: Getty
By Lex June 20, 2013 @ 5:25 PM
You know what I bet. I bet when you’re the victim of a famous gang rape that grips the national media, you’re hoping and praying that your story can linger in the press for as long as humanly possible. Even better if a completely unrelated celebrity brings the case back into prominence for no good reason just when things are starting to die down.
You knew this shit was coming. After inserting herself into the Steubenville rape case and insinuating that the high school assault victim was at least somewhat on the hook for the incident, Serena Williams called the rape victim from her Wimbledon hotel to let her know she’s on her side. Really. I bet that felt good. For Serena.
The rape victim’s family attorney issued this immensely contrived message after the call with Serena:’
We are sure Serena has and will continue to use her God-given talents to advance women’s equality and send the message that rape is never acceptable under any circumstance. We are fans of Serena and will continue rooting for many more championships but more importantly watching her advance the cause of rape victims who are never to blame.
I’m left with the distinct impression that these people care for Serena and tennis about as much as She-Hulk cares for girls who get raped at high school parties. Not a whole lot.