Serena Williams Fudged

By Lex November 06, 2015 @ 7:07 AM


Serena Williams went on Facebook to humble brag that a thug stole her cellphone at a restaurant and she went mad dog through the establishment, took him down, and pummeled him into the cement. She posted an old picture of herself in a Supergirl costume and referred to the moment as her superhero persona taking over. I guess she ran out of space for a shout out to a regimen of undetectable yak testosterone.

Not thinking I reacted (hence the superwoman photo) I jumped up, weaved my way in and out of the cozy restaurant (leaping over a chair or two) and chased him down. He began to run but I was too fast. (Those sprints came in handy) I was upon him in a flash!

ABC news bought the surveillance tape from the Chinese restaurant in San Francisco and it kind of looks like an old gay dude horked her phone probably knowing she was Serena Williams and maybe he was a stalker fan. She caught up to him pretty easily, he made some bullshit excuse about grabbing the wrong phone, handed it back to her, and still made a nine-thirty showing of a Lars Von Trier movie around the corner

Everybody lauded Serena’s gutsy citizen’s arrest except for one wet blanket who reminded women that it’s probably not a good idea to chase after a strange man who steals your shit. It’s a good way to get hurt. Though she added the caveat that if you can bench 400 and squat six it’s go-time to beat an old queer’s ass.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Rowling Spots for Serena

By Lex July 13, 2015 @ 8:25 AM


Here’s a new pastime for nitwits. Cherry-pick a negative comment on Twitter, craft a response, then wait for the SEO title specialist at Yahoo or HuffPo or EW to label it once more, ‘The Perfect Comeback’.  How old do you have to be to remember real journalism?

J.K. Rowling was watching Wimbledon because she’s run out of things to do when not teasing nerds about cookie cutting out more Harry Potter books. What? This time there’s a giant spider lurking in the unfrequented squash courts?  Fuck me, I’ve pre-ordered ten copies. Rowling took to Twitter to exalt the Serena Williams’ win at Wimbledon:

What an athlete, what a role model, what a woman!

Some British dude on Twitter wrote back, completely unnecessarily, though I do understand the desire after Rowling couldn’t stop herself after great athlete and role model:

Ironic then that main reason for her success is that she is built like a man

J.K. Rowling horribly disregarded the first rule of Hogwarts: don’t feed the trolls. That actually might be the second rule after not letting Dumbledore into the boys water closet unsupervised. Rowling posted a picture of Serena Williams in a tight red dress as exhibit A of her case that Serena is all woman.

Yeah, my husband looks just like this in a dress. You’re an idiot

Epic retort? I don’t know. Why can’t I stop thinking about your husband resembling a pre-op Apollo Creed? Does he gladly accept the peggings or do you have to remind him who has the passwords to the Potter accounts? ‘You’re an idiot’ has savaged Cambridge debaters for eons. Well played, Hermione.

Rowling faces an uphill battle. Serena Williams has the physique of an NFL linebacker. I don’t think it’s nature-made. It’s objectively manly in its musculature and proportions. Rowlings is welcome to find other women matching the same physique to show that it’s within two standard deviations of the norm. Good luck since the GDR gave up the ghost on dominating Olympic women’s field events.

Photo credit: J.K. Rowlings on Twitter

Serena Williams Muscle Mass Shamed

By Lex June 08, 2015 @ 11:27 AM


If you’re looking for the definition of numb nuts reporting, look to journalists using selective Twitter posts in lieu of research. Every time Serena Williams wins another title, some social media trolls will inevitably drop banana eating gorilla n-bombs on Twitter because even retards need a hobby. Confusing outlier ignoramuses with legitimate criticism is where reporters with important feelings lose their credibility.

There are sports and tennis enthusiasts who are concerned that having the muscle mass of LeBron James gives Serena an unfair advantage when grinding 120 pound Slavs beneath her size fourteen Herman Munsters. The self appointed ministers of good taste insist that commentary about Serena’s extraordinary physique are inherently tied to misogyny and racial myths. She’s standing right in front of me cleaning and jerking 450 and I’m not supposed to notice? I’m not seeing her color, I’m pissing my pants hoping I don’t remind her of the guy who sold her bogus Ukrainian muscle mass supplements once behind the GNC.

Serena Williams has twenty grand slam titles and a net worth circling about $140 million. Racism and misogyny aren’t that poweful. I’m sure she gets undue crap laid at her doorstep, but it’s easier to manage when you have staff to wipe it up. If Serena gets 9,000 positive messages and six racist twat burns and you report only the latter as proof of your postulate, you have failed as a journalist and a human being. I hope she crushes your house the next time she makes landfall.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Serena Williams Seems Unstoppable

By Lex December 15, 2014 @ 8:46 AM

Serena Williams launched her own 5K charity run in Miami over the weekend. The event was considered a huge success even though nobody showed up except for the team of scientists the government pays to study Serena’s powerful haunches for military application. The race raised money for a gun violence charity in Florida which seeks to reduce gun violence in the state and replace it with more senior citizen phishing scams and dog racing. I’m not exactly sure what Serena is, but until China gets one, they can forever consider themselves also-rans for best country ever.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Splash

Serena Williams Models Lingerie

By Lex November 19, 2014 @ 9:26 AM

Serena Williams Models Lingerie
Apparently, there’s a line of women’s underwear made specifically for the ladies who can squat six plates. When my J.J. Watt framed princess undresses for me, I want to see a little sexy bit of commercial construction Spanex and carbon fiber joisted together to keep her delicate features from rupturing her seams. Beating off to Serena Williams doesn’t make you gay. God made you gay.

Photo Credit: Berlei Lingerie

Serena Williams Is Raw Power

By Lex September 15, 2014 @ 12:21 PM

I’m pretty sure Serena Williams won the U.S. Open. Not watching tennis is like losing ten pounds, it makes your dick an inch bigger. Serena can military press the combined weight of the next twenty ATP ranked players, so you can just assume she took victory by merit or by stomping her potential opponents to death beneath her sized 22 Adamantium infused tarsals.

The team that builds the superstructure container around Serena that allows her to be road legal got her positioned comfortably in the prone position for a ride down to Florida for a little R&R. There were three 16’9″ overpasses along the way that had to be avoided, otherwise the journey was uneventful. Sometimes I stare at Serena’s unnaturally ginormous haunches and I curse the so-called scientists who created her from powerful muscles shorn from both the human and animal kingdoms. Could they not afford some kind of visual designer in the process? Robocop had more life like limb attachments.

Photo Credit: Splash