Serena Williams Muscle Mass Shamed

By Lex June 08, 2015 @ 11:27 AM

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If you’re looking for the definition of numb nuts reporting, look to journalists using selective Twitter posts in lieu of research. Every time Serena Williams wins another title, some social media trolls will inevitably drop banana eating gorilla n-bombs on Twitter because even retards need a hobby. Confusing outlier ignoramuses with legitimate criticism is where reporters with important feelings lose their credibility.

There are sports and tennis enthusiasts who are concerned that having the muscle mass of LeBron James gives Serena an unfair advantage when grinding 120 pound Slavs beneath her size fourteen Herman Munsters. The self appointed ministers of good taste insist that commentary about Serena’s extraordinary physique are inherently tied to misogyny and racial myths. She’s standing right in front of me cleaning and jerking 450 and I’m not supposed to notice? I’m not seeing her color, I’m pissing my pants hoping I don’t remind her of the guy who sold her bogus Ukrainian muscle mass supplements once behind the GNC.

Serena Williams has twenty grand slam titles and a net worth circling about $140 million. Racism and misogyny aren’t that poweful. I’m sure she gets undue crap laid at her doorstep, but it’s easier to manage when you have staff to wipe it up. If Serena gets 9,000 positive messages and six racist twat burns and you report only the latter as proof of your postulate, you have failed as a journalist and a human being. I hope she crushes your house the next time she makes landfall.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Serena Williams Seems Unstoppable

By Lex December 15, 2014 @ 8:46 AM

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Serena Williams launched her own 5K charity run in Miami over the weekend. The event was considered a huge success even though nobody showed up except for the team of scientists the government pays to study Serena’s powerful haunches for military application. The race raised money for a gun violence charity in Florida which seeks to reduce gun violence in the state and replace it with more senior citizen phishing scams and dog racing. I’m not exactly sure what Serena is, but until China gets one, they can forever consider themselves also-rans for best country ever.

Photo Credit: FameFlynet, Splash

Serena Williams Models Lingerie

By Lex November 19, 2014 @ 9:26 AM

Serena Williams Models Lingerie
Apparently, there’s a line of women’s underwear made specifically for the ladies who can squat six plates. When my J.J. Watt framed princess undresses for me, I want to see a little sexy bit of commercial construction Spanex and carbon fiber joisted together to keep her delicate features from rupturing her seams. Beating off to Serena Williams doesn’t make you gay. God made you gay.

Photo Credit: Berlei Lingerie

Serena Williams Is Raw Power

By Lex September 15, 2014 @ 12:21 PM

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I’m pretty sure Serena Williams won the U.S. Open. Not watching tennis is like losing ten pounds, it makes your dick an inch bigger. Serena can military press the combined weight of the next twenty ATP ranked players, so you can just assume she took victory by merit or by stomping her potential opponents to death beneath her sized 22 Adamantium infused tarsals.

The team that builds the superstructure container around Serena that allows her to be road legal got her positioned comfortably in the prone position for a ride down to Florida for a little R&R. There were three 16’9″ overpasses along the way that had to be avoided, otherwise the journey was uneventful. Sometimes I stare at Serena’s unnaturally ginormous haunches and I curse the so-called scientists who created her from powerful muscles shorn from both the human and animal kingdoms. Could they not afford some kind of visual designer in the process? Robocop had more life like limb attachments.

Photo Credit: Splash

Serena and Venus Williams Are Spatting

By Matt September 12, 2014 @ 11:25 AM

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Spotty Page Six evidence suggests Venus Williams is angry with Serena because she has been partying and has friends. They have not been seen together in weeks, neither has mentioned one another on social media, and Serena has regularly skipped their traditional morning rock smashing sessions. Serena has also missed some press appearances because she was hung over after having one Mojito and also sprinting around in the sun for six hours. If Venus is really freezing out her sister for socializing, that’s pretty cold. If you have the discipline to build your body into a He Man worthy vein popping testosterone factory, you’ve earned the right to slam back some whiskey like a real man. Tennis victories become less of a thrill when your trophy case is a football-field sized hangar at JFK and your biceps require you to register with the local authorities as a tranny assassin. Everybody needs their kicks from somewhere. The three homeless men Serena keeps bound inside her kegel clenched vagina is no longer enough. Back off, Venus, or feel the wrath of Serena’s bench press.

Photo Credit: Instagram 

Serena Williams Might Be Doing Curls

By Lex September 02, 2014 @ 7:06 AM

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I was cool pretending Serena Williams was merely the big-boned sister. Maybe even the unusually strong girl in the Romanian circus. But this power of Greyskull muscle mass is getting out of control. Serena’s rocking the Road Warrior pythons. She and dad and sister can pull all the test results they want out of their ass, something’s amiss. I’d investigate, but you go snooping around the Island of Dr. Moreau, you come back half gnu.

Photo credit: AKM-GSI