Here’s a little hint for the ladies. If your boyfriend tells you who you can or can not hang out with or work with, it’s not because he values you, it’s because he owns you. Fuck, how about that for a little Oprah meets Dr. Phil meets that halfway house counselor you’ll be meeting with soon with a bloody lip explaining that she doesn’t understand, sometimes he just gets angry when you burn his toast. Shakira’s baby daddy, Gerard Pique, doesn’t let her get near men, even for her music video work. She even had to ask him permission to be slightly touching Rihanna in her latest music video. Shakira, who is apparently a teenage girl from a broken home, thinks this is super romantic awesome:
He’s very territorial, and since he no longer lets me do videos with men, well, I have to do them with women. It’s more than implied in our relationship that I can’t do videos like I used to. IT’s out of the question — which I like, by the way. I like that he protects his turf and he values me, in a way that the only person he would ever let graze my thigh would be Rihanna.
Many defenders of her soccer playing boyfriend say that Americanos just don’t understand the traditional Spanish world view on how a respectable wife who would never be allowed to dance with another man in public. Which might almost make sense if Gerard had actually bothered to marry Shakira, instead of just banging a bastard baby into her, which I guess is also Spanish traditional. C’mon, Shakira, you’re a 36-year old multimillionaire midget with a nice ass. You don’t need a dude who’s charting your response times to his texts. Come be with me. You can come home at 3am stinking of Old Spice and covered in man juice and I’ll just make you some lentil soup and ask you if you need an ice pack for your vag. Just buy me a Bentley and hump me on Sundays and I’m good.
Seeing a black chick and a midget get it on has been on my bucket list for just about forever. I’ve seen lots of diversity at the lesbian make-out rallies I attend hoping someday somebody there won’t look exactly like Camryn Manheim, but this is a new combo for me. Shakira and Rihanna are getting it on in support of whatever crappy song comes next. It’s the natural extension of these pop girls shaking their asses and being naked with tigers and the shit they’ve been doing to help you pay less attention to the music. Even girls are going to get randy when they’re naked with tigers. Shakira is from Colombia and Rihanna is from Barbados, so as always, you still have to go international to see hot lesbo shit on American TV.
Shakira arriving at LAX in a see-through shirt isn’t very newsworthy as much as it’s a reminder of how much us losers in coach suck at life. I’m assuming that if Shakira isn’t flying around on her own private jet, the wealthy singer is at least taking up all of first class on her own, so nobody but her and her entourage can experience her rose petal queefs. But this at least offers the possibility that some lucky asshole got to sit next to Shakira for a few hours, while the rest of us were busy fighting over an arm rest with 400 pounds of egg salad in a pair of old sweatpants.
Usher and Shakira will replace Christina Aguilera and Cee Lo Green for the fourth season of ‘the Voice’, though it’s said to be a temporary move so Aguilera can go on tour and Green can record a new album. But maybe it won’t be for one season. Maybe it will be permanent. Or maybe it won’t, look, why are you dragging me into this, I hate that stupid show.
News reports from Spain and Mexico say Shaikira was filmed having sex on a yacht with her boyfriend, soccer star Gerard Piqué, by someone who worked for her and is now using it to blackmail her. An agent in Barcelona who saw the tape says…
“The video lasts about 15 minutes….it’s filmed with a cell phone, which I guess, belonged to Shakira’s employee who was at the helm of the boat that night. The images are not steady and it’s out of focus.”
So it’s shaky, blurry, and probably dark. How do we even know it’s her? Even if he says her name it won’t prove anything. If you watched my sex tapes you’d think my girlfriend was having sex with Matt Bomer, because that’s the name she calls out, and I don’t correct her because that’s her problem, not mine.
Shakira gave a concert in Monterrey, Mexico, last week, and new video shows that while walking through the crowd and touching hands with her fans, one of them pulled a ring right off her damn finger. E! says…
Shakira quickly noticed that her bauble had been deftly and dastardly removed, but as the perp had already disappeared into the crowd—and she was already midsong—after glancing first at her suddenly ringless hand and then back at her fans, she took the thieving quite literally in stride and didn’t miss a beat, continuing her walk back to the stage.
There’s no word on whether the thief was caught.
My first reaction to this is that I’m glad it was in Mexico. Is it racist that, any time I see a video about an old lady getting punched or animals getting fucked or something like that, my immediate thought is, “please don’t be white, please don’t be white, please don’t be white…” I can’t be the only one who does that.