Sherri Shepherd Won’t Visit Her Welfare Baby

By Lex September 26, 2014 @ 2:49 PM


Every social theory I have begins and ends with panelists on The View being alarmingly dumb women who rape the mortal souls of innocents just by their mere moronic existence. Their audience is worse. Sherri Shepherd dumped her non-working husband right before their surrogate baby was born this summer. According to Lamar Sally, who like most broke-ass unemployed men in their 40′s is to be considered incapable of lying, it was Sherri’s idea to have the baby in the first place. She also wrote the fat $30K check to the surrogate once everyone remembered that her real age was about seventy and her eggs were long since spoiled. A few months back she filed for divorce from Sally and disclaimed any relationship to the freshly born Lamar Jr.  Her attorneys sent letters to Lamar saying she wasn’t going to pay for the little third-party womb baby or even cover him on her healthcare. That seems kind of cold even if her husband was a mooching dick. I’m certain there are two sides to this story and after Sherri gets done baleening her way through the endless shrimp meal deal at Red Lobster, we’ll hear a very different story. I can’t wait not to care about it.

Photo credit: Getty Images

Sherri Shepherd Doesn’t Want Her Surrogate Baby Anymore

By Lex July 08, 2014 @ 9:11 AM


According to the recently not re-hired Sherri Shepherd, the surrogate baby she and her soon to be ex-husband have brewing in a rent-a-womb isn’t hers and she’s not paying for it. She claims Lamar Sally, the unemployed dude she calculated would make a great husband, duped her into making a beaker baby so he could get child support from her after a divorce. She says the egg half of the fetus isn’t even hers and she doesn’t want the baby. There is a small matter of the contract she signed with the surrogate saying she’d be the mommy once laboratory Simon was born. Lamar is trying to sue Sherri for divorce in California where surrogacy contracts and the screams of trees about to be chopped down are recognized as legitimate legal things. In a just world we’d skip the legal proceedings and send these two to the Island of Dumb Fucks where we air drop idiots and watch them slowly die of starvation and simple infections. Then we invent a lineage story for the kid who’s about to be born that doesn’t involve test tubes, greed, and desperately stupid people. Maybe a kindly rape story or something to do with alien planets imploding.

Photo credit: Splash News

Jenny McCarthy and Sherri Shepherd Un-Rehired

By Lex June 27, 2014 @ 11:48 AM


Sherri Shepherd won’t be coming back to The View. I know, I wish my office building window opened as well. Sherri’s people want to make it very clear that she wasn’t fired, she just wasn’t re-hired. Sort of how my last girlfriend didn’t break up with me, she just asked me not to come over anymore ever. This serves as a particularly large blow to people who take the time out of their busy mornings of folding a towel and cheating on their diets to listen to Sherri’s uneducated conjecture mixed seamlessly with USA Today factoids about the topics of the day. Also to everybody dying to know if Sherri’s lightly employed ex-husband will keep their baby gestating inside an unidentified third party. Now I need to read Bossip for another six months.

Jenny McCarthy, whose thoughtful lesbian reading glasses fooled nobody, announced on Twitter “If Sherri goes… I go too #sisters”. This may have been a more courageous stance had Jenny McCarthy also been fired, err, not re-hired. Still, the #sisters note does mean she’s now officially an auntie to Sherri’s throat baby. That means she’ll get to take the kid to see Annie, tuck into coffee shops for hot cocoa on cold New York days, and casually laugh about whooping cough and tuberculosis returning to our nation’s cities after many decades of viral retreat. Amid all the non rehirings, ABC announced that the show will be headed in an exciting new direction next season. That can only mean one thing — chatty fat Latinas!

Photo credit: ABC/The View

Sherri Shepherd’s Husband Wants Their Unborn Baby All To Himself

By Lex May 12, 2014 @ 6:02 PM

Those ladies on The View sure love dispensing advice. There’s Barbara Walters, four times divorced, slept with a married Senator for shits and giggles. Jenny McCarthy, who can’t remember going on any talk shows to stop moms from vaccinating their children. Whoopi Goldberg, also thrice divorced, colorful drug history. And, Sherri Shepherd, who’s latest husband wants a divorce, claiming fraud, and insisting he get sole custody of their child baking in some surrogate’s belly now for seven months. That’s quite a cocked up clan right there. I guess they resemble much of America who is at home watching their inane Pablum during the workday. Sherri’s husband Lamar Sally says maybe Sherri can come visit Lamar Jr. once he’s born, provided there’s supervision to make sure Sherri doesn’t start yapping about The Ukraine or other shit she talks about without real understanding. Sally also wants Shepherd to give him spousal support, since she’s inexplicably employed on national television while his paycheck from the failed sit-com he once staffed on eight years ago isn’t what it used to be.

If you’re part of The View family, you’re going to get praised by inside sources during your turn at the life crisis altar for something:

She is such a pro. She came to work all week and nobody knew that anything was going on.

When people praise you for your professionalism, that means they don’t really like you enough to commit to a real compliment. In fact, they’re leaning toward calling you an asshole. Hillary Clinton will be called an experienced pro a lot during her campaign. Bill Belichick is a consummate pro. Mariah Carey, a total pro. So is Sherri Shepherd. But cursed like her fellow View hosts to be able to give outrageously solid analysis on every topic but their own happiness. Aww.


By brendon December 04, 2007 @ 3:14 PM

This morning on "the View", during a discussion about Epicurus, (the Greek philosopher who was born in 341 BC and died in 270 BC) Sherri Shepherd – who was last seen saying she didn't know if the world was flat – says that nothing predates the Christians. She follows that up by saying nothing predates Jesus. And she may be onto something. Remember those cave drawings of Jesus on a dinosaur at the first Olympics? History and science, it's all coming together now!